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MTF "feeling" like a boy?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by TobaccoFlower, Jul 28, 2016.

  1. TobaccoFlower

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    I've been having a hard time, I guess, recently. I don't know if I'm in that phase where I've just gotten on hormones and the dysphoria spikes a bit because I'm impatient or putting too much pressure on myself or something but I keep finding myself just resigning to men's restrooms and crying when I'm misgendered in public, or going places in guy mode.
    Seeing my face in the mirror sucks more and I just can't SEE myself as a woman.

    This would all start to lead me to thinking maybe I'm more fluid in my gender, because I sometimes just don't FEEL like dealing with being feminine, like, I guess an example would be how I act at home. Some days I have my regular voice and I sound VERY female and I slways use that voice on the phone but when it's just me and my partner and the kids I just sorta fall into a "meh" voice where I'm higher than my natural range, but I'm not really feminine at all. I don't like hearing this voice but it just feels more normal. More me I guess? I typically have always had a firm grasp on what is ME and it's distressing to feel like some things that AREN'T girly or even gender neutral could be part of who I am, like transitioning is stupid.

    I feel like I'm dragging up the "not trans enough" debate and slinging it at my own ego, but I just don't FEEL happy when I'm like this. I'm not glowing and warm. I'm quiet and moody. I'm still excited about the changes I'm having from the hormones. I'm eager to experience all that and do AWAY with my male body, but I guess I'm scared about feeling this way while being read entirely as female (after some more time on hormones)?

    Can anyone maybe help me interpret this? I don't have a word for it and it sucks feeling like I BELONG in the women's restroom but I don't feel like I have a right to be there, since I am not always all female, metaphorically (and literally) speaking.
     
  2. Rickystarr

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    That just sounds like dysphoria to me. I wouldn't feel bad about dropping the voice at home. I imagine that's a lot of effort to keep up 24/7. That would be like me wearing a binder 24/7. And you can like whatever you want. Feminism!
     
  3. Creativemind

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    I think the issue is that voice training is a lot of work for trans women. Occasionally, it makes sense you would get lazy about it. That is a lot of straining to have to put up with.

    Also, don't worry about feeling masculine or gender neutral. Femininity is not a part of womanhood really. I know a lot of women into non-feminine things, especially in the feminist community when you get tired of gender roles being forced down your throat.
     
  4. SHACH

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    Most things about me are boyish or androgynous. Still a girl. Don't give a fuck. I imagine this is a hard place to get to as a trans person though, since you feel pressure to run away from any traces of masculinity in fear of not passing or not being seen as "trans enough" as you mentioned (tbh being hyper feminine is just quite unrealistic in terms of most modern women and plenty of women have their own higher more pleasing voice for the public and their deep man voice for when they're tired - so letting yourself be natural is probably gonna seem more authentic anyway). I hope you can get to a place where you don't worry about being a bit of a lazy tomboy at times haha. It actually took me a while to really embrace how much that is a fundamental part of me and that I have no need to try and be a better girl. You'll get there.
     
  5. TobaccoFlower

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    SCHACH - yeah I suppose the outside perspective of seeing that I am probably subscribing to too much pressure to run from who everyone expected me to be.

    Loli21 & Rickystarr(Patrick?)- ACTUALLY? I don't find my voice to be much of a strain. My voice is a large source of dysphoria for me so I've kinda worked those muscles out PRETTY well. I can go from pre-pubescent female voice to a Morgan Freeman and feel almost nothing. (I've also played with my voice a LOT my entire life, so I can mimic people really easily...) That being said, I suppose being tired DOES have an affect, so I suppose laziness is probably a larger factor than I realize.
    It's still easy, though, it'd be more like wearing an underwire bra 24/7. You get used to it, it's just not like... natural.

    I suppose it's when that line between genders started wobbling it messed with my head. I'm scared that my identity is somehow in flux or that somehow the awkwardness and fears associated with passing mean something about who I am. Like I'm never going to be accepted or accept that I am a woman if I am somehow not always feeling up to the weirdness (newness?) of affirmation and the fear of being told I'm somehow not allowed to be called/considered a girl.
     
  6. Glowing Eyes

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    I feel like this too and it used to make me doubt myself. I often go back and forth on whether or not to transition (I still have a lot of time but still) 'cause I feel like I wouldn't belong as a girl 'cause I'm AMAB and I'd feel like a faker (even though I know I'm a girl inside).
     
  7. TobaccoFlower

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    Like you'd love to have been afab, but you can't justify transition to yourself?
    Im like that. I can assure you that transition has been great. I just have a hard time... Not feeling like this. It's still worth it. Just scary like I could be totally wrong.
     
  8. Glowing Eyes

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    Basically. I just feel like I'll never be a "real" girl.
     
  9. Kasey

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    What is a "real girl" anyways?

    Dunno about you all but the bio females I am friends with burp and fart and get drunk and well...

    Anatomy aside we are all the same. It's just depending on your plumbing society judges you on if you are a "real person".

    Remember, real men don't cry, but they know how to fix cars, and love John Wayne movies. Fact.

    Women wear pink, are born with a sewing pin in their hand and an apron on and scream at the sight of a mouse.

    Ok reality check. How many men or women actually fall in that category? Well for someone male bodied,I sure don't fit those stereotypes. Nor as a woman with the exception of liking pink, do I fall into any of those other stereotypes.

    Be who you are. No one else can be for you.
     
    #9 Kasey, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  10. Glowing Eyes

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    O I put real in quotations 'cause of that. I didn't mean stereotypes.
     
  11. Kasey

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    No I get what you are saying. I'm putting it in perspective so you don't judge yourself based on others.
     
  12. AmyBee

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    One way I was able to accept myself as a trans woman was realizing few if any of the cisgender women I was friends with were "stereotypical." More directly it came as a result of dating a girl who was basically EXACTLY the same as me except she actually had a vagina. Before then I'd always been able to rely on all the ways I didn't conform to received notions of how women behaved... including this inability to process being sexually attracted to other women as something women also did... to convince myself I wasn't really trans and that I could "fix" myself and have it all go away.
     
  13. Glowing Eyes

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    O alright.
    Thanks for clarifying :slight_smile:.
     
  14. TobaccoFlower

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    I guess my crisis was existential in nature. If the only thing I have that tells me I'm a woman is my gut what is keeping me from being wrong? Y'know? But I suppose it's also partly seeing myself physically and not wrapping my head around my identity yet. Mirrors are awful.
     
  15. Jiramanau

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    First things first, you need some **hugs**!
    Now. Your ahead of me in the transition process, but what your describing is exactly what I go through now and I am afraid of having to still deal with in the future. The advice I'm following right now is to remind myself while I'm feeling "not trans enough" that it is my minds way of making sure that this difficult option of transition is the right choice. People always doubt hard choices and choosing to transition is the hardest one and takes alot of commitment. The self doubt is the mechanism that makes sure we weigh important decisions carefully, it's why a persistent gut feeling is almost always accurate. To get through it you have to start by recognizing it as normal, saying to yourself "ah, the machine is doing that annoyong self-test now", and then go with it. Go over the reasons you are doing this, what brought you to this path and how does it make you happy? Like the killers' song "bling" says: "how do you know that you're right if you're not nervous anymore?" Doubt is good, crazy people don't doubt.

    I hope you feel better!
    ~Victoria~

    ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2016 at 04:31 AM ----------

    PS I feel like I should point out that most genetic females don't feel feminine all the time and view things like shaving and makeup as a burden. Many women also have "masculine moments" or moods especially at home with the partner and kids. I've heard girly girls burp and say "oh dude, that was a good one".
    I live with my partner, my bff of 8 years and his girlfriend who we where both friends with before they hooked up. Her and I complain about shaving and waxing, and often compare how hairy our legs are. And she is a tomboy who loves trucks and horses and always talks in a meh voice, but can also be feminine when she wants to be. So if anything I'd say your a perfectly normal female
     
    #15 Jiramanau, Jul 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2016
  16. Thessa Blossom

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    TobaccoFlower, you perfectly described my current feelings.
    I haven't posted in quite a while because of the stress of divorcing my wife and I assume that this stress is contributing to my feelings too.

    My wife is a tomboy and quite masculine looking (e.g. jawline) and I have to thank her that she showed me (not intentionally) that woman don't need to be feminine to be a woman. This helped a lot during my questioning phase and the final decision to transition.
     
  17. TobaccoFlower

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    I guess it's totally normal then? I guess o was just getting depressed and I have been too hyper vigilant surrounding my appearance. At least now I'm at the phase in hrt where my breast buds are beginning their localized sore phase. So. That helps remind me I'm so much happier, as my gut tells me, with these cute little things growing on my chest(lol).

    Depression doesn't really help dysphoria does it? :frowning2:

    Thessa Blossom: I really hope you are doing better. It's nice to see you back here! I went on hiatus too but just for school and children.