Identifying as a boy but feeling like a girl sometimes. Help?

AndrewVSAndrea · Jul 31, 2016

So I'm a pre-everything FtM, and I'm feeling really scared and experiencing a lot of confusion and doubt. I first identified myself as an effeminate boy about a month ago, but once or twice I've found myself feeling like a girl. Those moments are painful and scary, (like someone's trying to force my brain back into an old shell that no longer fits right) and they fill me with self-doubt and worry, but they pass and then I feel better again.

But I started dating someone about a week ago, (this is my first romantic encounter since I came to identify myself as a boy) and I've noticed that when I'm with him I feel like a girl again and I get very uncomfortable. He calls me by my male name, uses male pronouns, and fully supports me in my efforts to transition, but whenever I'm around him I start to feel like I'm becoming the girl I used to think I was. So while I adore him because we get along so well and he's so kind to me, I hate the way I feel when I'm around him.

This raises a few questions for me.

1. Why is this happening at all?

2. Does it have to do with estrogen or hormones? (I've noticed I get very giggly around him, and I haven't begun taking testosterone yet or anything like that)

3. Is it because I don't yet know how to "be romantic" as a boy, so I'm still behaving as a girl because it's all I know?

4. Will it be like this with every relationship?

5. What should I do about this?

SystemGlitch · Jul 31, 2016

I can't answer some of those questions, I'm sorry, but I wanted to reassure you by saying that I'm also a feminine transman. Around my male partners, I always slip back into a stereotypically female role, but I still feel like a man when I do so and my partners respect that. Around female partners I tend to act more masculine, but still pretty damn feminine. I've never had a NB partner so can't give any experience from that front. It's just the way my mind is hardwired to show romance, I want to be taken care of. Doesn't mean I'm a girl! :icon_wink I know a few cismen (in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships) who act like me as well.

I'd say that not knowing how to "be a boy" in romantic situations could have something to do with it. If it's how you've grown up and what you've known/done in the past, it makes sense that being in that situation again causes you to act like that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being feminine, but if it makes you uncomfortable and you want to change it, try talking to your partner or a counsellor about it. Or, you could try being more conscious of how you respond and how you act, maybe try seeing how your partner reacts to things (if he's a stereotypical male) and then mimicking that sort of behaviour to see how it feels. Something else that might be happening is your partner subconsciously treating you as female if he knows you are AFAB, which would have an effect on how you're acting as well.

I'd recommend trying not to fixate on the "feeling like a girl" thoughts that happen sometimes, those doubts are fairly normal during the first steps of discovering that you're trans or gender-non-conforming.

Synesthesia · Jul 31, 2016

I feel more feminine around guys I'm strongly attracted to as well, usually (note: I'm bigender though.) Or while talking to them.. Lots of potential reasons I guess. For starters you might just associate those emotions mentally with being 'female' when I think about it a lot of guys percieve romantic feelings as being 'feminine' too.

Identifying as a boy but feeling like a girl sometimes. Help?

AndrewVSAndrea
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Synesthesia
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Identifying as a boy but feeling like a girl sometimes. Help?

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