Hesitation about HRT, not trans enough, social vs body dysphoria

What is a "real man", "real woman" or "a real trans person"? Really. There is no such thing. There is only particular people and what they feel good or bad about. For any reason. If you feel like transitioning will make you happier , that's all you need.

I know there is an ongoing narrative about dysphoria, about real trans people and so on... But it's your body and your life.

What about gender roles and social dysphoria do you mean in particular? I mean, if you want to talk about it, I'm here.

 

First of all, I think it's totally valid to question transitioning while doing it. A lot of us do it, even if some will rarely admit it.
Can you still be androgynous after taking T? Of course. A lot of the time the media will only think of small, skinny, white afab people as being capable of being androgynous, which is of course untrue. It's much more than that.
Transitioning takes time and while some changes come fast, you'll most likely have time to adjust to them. Chances are you'll have to wait months if not years for a beard to grow, if you'll be able to grow one at all.
About the voice thing, I can definitely still recognize myself, infact the way I hear myself speaking sounds about the same, even though my voice sounds different.

There is not just one universal transnarrative and I know we hear this all the time but sometimes it just takes a while to remember.

 

I think that gender dysphoria needs to receive less focus and people should focus on gender euphoria. Does being treated as male and having male pronouns and thinking of yourself as male make you happier than being treated as female/female pronouns/thinking of yourself as female? I think an element of gender dysphoria is usually present, but I know plenty of trans people (myself included) who are only dysphoric when other people are around. I don't mind my genitals much, and my chest only bothers me when it outs me. I also don't think facial hair is an absolute requirement... There are plenty of cismen who don't have or desire facial hair, so it stands to reason that some transmen won't want facial hair. Same for being "buff". I think these doubts are natural to have - if you were rushing into it without any hesitation, then I'd be slightly worried, but this is indeed a big step and I think that you're sensible to think it through. You do what's best for you, man, and if you want to wait a bit before your definite decision then there's no harm in that! I hope you can find yourself soon, good luck.

 

The one thing I'm telling myself immediately after having the doubts...what have I got to lose by transitioning?

I'll be no worse off. Things will change yes, but committing to transitioning to my rightful gender after the anguish and self hatred I have felt, surely that will ease some of the pain I feel now. If I'm not happy now, how worse off can I really be.

At the very least, I'll have a chest I won't be uncomfortable with. Take a step back, man, have a think about what life will be like with reduced dysphoria etc.

---------- Post added 31st Jul 2016 at 08:03 AM ----------

P.s. The closer I get to looking like Henry Cavill, the better Hence my chosen name.

 

I'm in sort of an opposite position from you. I'm bio male, but also don't exactly find myself identifying with "maleness" most of the time. I would present as feminine almost all the time if I could.

I also get what you are saying about body changes. You mentioned you don't hate your breasts, but you don't show them off either. Would you say you are "used to" your body? Would you really be okay with losing your breasts?

You mentioned being attracted to androgyny. Me too. Do you think transitioning would make you less androgynous? Are you okay with that? If surgery and hormones only change things a little is it worth it to you?

I'm asking these questions because they are some of the same things I have asked myself.

 

A few people on this very forum have told me that there's no threshold for being "trans enough", or that there's a defining feature that makes you a "real trans". If you feel what you feel, there's no two ways 'bout it. No one knows you more than yourself, and that's what I tell myself daily, just to keep my doubts at bay.

If you're considering T to be seen as a "real trans", then... Well, I can't really help you, as I'm stuck in the same, but opposite boat, I'm afraid :c. However, personally, I think that if you feel that you're ready to start T, and that it'll make you happier about yourself, then go for it

 

Lots of great responses! I was going to say something similar but everyone kind of covered all my points already! But anyway, I do think it's natural to question and consider every alternative. After a certain point there's no going back, so of course there's trepidation. Some people are absolutely certain of where they're going and some of us are not but the main thing is we're all going somewhere and we each have to do it our own way and at our own pace. And it's never wrong to get as much information and knowledge as you can about anything!

 

Thank you for posting this, Rickystarr. I have many of the same fears about coming out to my family and transitioning. I question if I'm actually trans, but then I think about how comfortable and relaxed I feel in men's clothing, and I smile when my online friends call me by my preferred name and pronouns. I guess for most people there's no way to be 100% sure that you're trans until you actually start the transitioning process and it's natural to have doubts about your identity.

 

It got deleted. Twice. TWICE!


UGH.

Long story short
Electric shavers saved my life
Hermit crabs hate leaving their old shell. It's safe a d secure and we don't know what new one will feel like.
Changing your voice to be boyish is easy. Like. It's not easy, it's natural. Normal. Simple.its the texture of a female voice that is harder to mimic.

Sigh. I'm still mad all my typing git deleted but. Anyway. Yea. I'm right there with you I think. I'm just reminding myself to mourn the things that saved me from bullying and embrace that they WERE useful for what they were and I DID build an interim identity around them.
I just need to move on because they are confusing and inaccurate. I am HAPPY with breasts, even if it's just a simple internal choice between breasts vs no breasts while walking around at home. C:

 

Dude my biggest fear is looking like my father. We don't talk.

 

I don't think you should worry about the facial hair since there is a slight expectation of men shaving their faces anyway, especially if you work. Also, most women I talk to do not like beards on men unless they are trimmed and tidy (and some dislike them completely).

As for your body, it may be that you have just gotten used to it.

 

Body stuff is largely superficial, only a few small key things actually matter for it in terms of importance, how you feel socially and how you carry yourself is the greater concern imo. I don't want to come across as rude or uncaring, but if your concerns lay largely in appearance and wanting to cherry pick body qualities then it is good for your to question or consider heavily.

Appearance can change very easily, be it naturally or by accident, in accidents or intent. There are disabled people who would kill to have a working body, or those with spina bifida that wished they were symmetrical and able.

At the end of the day your heart is your heart, the outside is just a fleshy shell that can lie to others, it's on us whether we lie to ourselves or not. God bless.

 

I think it's possible you can still be androgynous while on T. Something to remember is that changes and what you can expect when you start HRT are a mixed bag, especially since much of what you can expect often depend on what your genetics are like. Some people get a lot of body hair and deep voices, and some don't. So I would say to not go in with too many super high expectations to avoid potentially disappointing yourself. I went into starting T hoping I'd look rugged and that I'd experience changes fast and hard like those who I've been following for years, and that wasn't the case. But this isn't to say to not be hopeful, it's just something to keep in mind.

Not every trans guy or transmasculine person wants a deep voice or facial hair, and that's perfectly fine and a-okay. Another thing to remember with T is that it affects everyone differently. You could have a pretty deep voice (I've seen some guys have a baritone voice or even a bit deeper than that), small or minor changes, or somewhere in between. You kind of just get what the cards dealt you, so that's something to keep in mind too. In my eyes, if there are unavoidable changes that worry you, that's something to talk to your doctor about.

As for if you're applying standards to yourself or if you're non-binary to some extent, I feel like that's something you need to determine for yourself, since it's not our place to throw labels at you. For me, it's both simple and complicated as to why I've started identifying as non-binary; but much of it relies on me not putting a gender label on things like clothing, interests, and stuff like that--and being apathetic in general about the idea of gender despite identifying as male and wanting to be read as such. Being non-binary isn't a solitary set in stone thing, which is a big misconception. I'll include some links to sites you can check out if you're questioning if you're non-binary.

10 Myths About Non-Binary People It's Time to Unlearn

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer

Non-binary - Gender Wiki - Wikia

There's a lot of trans people who feel the same way. It's kind of a misconception that trans people hate their bodies with every fiber of their being. Some people are really dysphoric about themselves, and others aren't so much. Not every trans guy (or trans person in general) wants to transition medically for a number of reasons, and that's fine too. I can relate when it comes to bottom dysphoria, even though I'd love to have phallo at some point in the future.

As for the first thing you mentioned, is that the only thing that's making you doubt that you might be trans? There are trans people out there who experience more social dysphoria than the physical stuff. In my book, if you don't identify with the gender you were assigned at birth, then you fall on the trans spectrum somewhere. If this still worries you, give yourself time to think things over to see if there's anything else that's making you have doubts or worries.

I totally understand what you mean. For me, when I envy cis men, it's usually musicians who have impressive vocal ranges and are what I dream to reach eventually--but that's not to say there aren't trans guys who are musicians who aren't as good, since that's the exact opposite. There's a lot of trans guys who are like you and don't share the same envy over cis men, especially when it comes to hypermasculine dude bros--which I can relate to some degree. As for feeling like you should be envying cis guys more, I say to not force yourself to be someone you're not or take yourself out of your comfort zone.

Being trans can be a major pain in the ass sometimes, and coming to terms with my identity, especially when I was still in school and battling a lot of mental health issues, was stressful as hell. Having doubts is super common and normal, and in my experience, things got easier with time and melted away once I was in a safe space where I was with like minded people who took me seriously and knew they cared about me.

It can be really hard, especially if you beat yourself a lot (I totally relate to being your own worst enemy or biggest critic since I'm still like that), but it's sort of one of those things that you kind of need to ride out. I hope this helped in some way, even if my wording might be off.

 

Ignore them. I feel like that too. Like. Guilty.
There's a difference between losing a limb (prosthetic?) For instance and being treated like something you have grown to loath, day in and day out.
It's not just about our body, it's about how we are seen and the fact that we CAN get it fixed and deserve not to suffer.
People with those problems get as much help as they can to get their problems fixed. But we are feeling guilty for going and getting medicine for acne basically. Simple fix. Easy. It makes a WORLD of difference to how I see myself, but everyone else can write it off because they have the privilege of only having to be around it sometimes. They get the privilege of not worrying about your gender because you "look" female so they think they have a right to treat you like a woman.
If you can take cough medicine for the flu you should. If you can take T to avoid feeling awful you should.
We don't fit in the shell. What matters is not how it looks, they're right. What matters is how it fits.

So again. Ignore the fallacious and dismissive comment above.

 

Ouch,that was harsh. Unless you're trans, you don't know what the struggle is like, and it's pretty cold to dismiss someone's pain like that by also dragging disabled people under the bus. And what do you mean by "lie to ourselves"????