Hello, I'm new to the forums but not new to gender. I've been discovering my gender path for about ten years now and I'm pretty satisfied with my current journey, but it's brought up some new questions that I've had a hard time figuring out. When I first came out as trans I came out as androgyne because I felt androgynous on the inside and though I knew I preferred to be seen as male I initially didn't want to transition hormonally/surgically. Skip forward several years after trying to pass as anything non-female and being unsuccessful, and I finally decided that I wanted to go on T in order to pass as male and also started going by he/him pronouns rather than they/them pronouns. Overall it feels right to me but there still feels like something's missing. Since I've transitioned, I've realized that I don't exactly feel like the majority of guys a lot of times. I feel slightly alienated by the 'type of guy' that I'm supposed to be, especially since the majority of them are really masculine and straight and I'm not. But even when I interact with queer men I still feel like there's some distance between us. When I was younger I thought that maybe my androgyny could be explained by the fact that I liked men, so I was more open/fluid in my femininity. But then I realized that I just felt androgynous because I felt both feminine and masculine on the inside, not because I was gay, necessarily. I had to piece apart my sexuality and my gender feelings. My body looks more 'right' to me in the mirror, but since transitioning I know for certain now that I don't want any surgeries. I'm actually fine with my body the way it is. I just wanted less curves/female fat distribution. He/him pronouns sometimes feel right to me now and sometimes they feel wrong. Getting 'sir'ed instead of 'ma'am'ed sometimes feels right to me and sometimes it feels wrong. I think most of the issue is that I don't always remember that I'm 'supposed' to be a guy or that I actually am a guy. And sometimes I just think of myself as other. I think if I'd been born MAAB I'd be living androgynously and doing anything along the gender spectrum that I wanted and that would feel most freeing. I probably wouldn't be as bothered by being gendered female then either, but I am especially bothered by it now because 1. I'm not and 2. I ALWAYS get gendered female and nothing else and it started getting frustrating. Like people weren't seeing the real me. So I guess my main questions are... is it possible to feel both androgynous and male at the same time? Sometimes one fluxes and I feel it more strongly than the other, but usually they coexist. I prefer male pronouns now but they/them ones don't bother me either. Being called gender neutral stuff also doesn't bother me though I prefer being called male things because it's more validating to me. Am I just an androgynous guy? Am I bigender between androgyne/male? Am I an androgyne who prefers living as male? I've never been able to figure it out. I seem to be in a place between the two extremes of being totally androgynous and being totally male.
It's definitely possible to feel two genders at once/switch between two genders. You could be bigender or genderfluid. However, part of the feelings of "sir is wrong" could be because you have grown up being called female words, and can be a bit of a shock to the system when that starts to change - kind of surreal for some people. It might be useful to adopt more purposefully adrogynous looks/names/pronouns and see how you feel with them when combined with your current male pronouns; if it doesn't feel right, then maybe switch back to purely male/purely NB and see how that feels in comparision. A lot of discovering your gender identity revolves around experimentation to find out what feels comfortable and natural for you. I hope this helps!
I think I might be bigender possibly. I've been reading about some experience from people who are static in their bigender identity and it sounds a lot like my experiences. Identifying as wholly androgyne just doesn't feel right and neither does identifying as wholly male. I keep doing a "I'm male but" thing where I feel that there's something more to it. And I can't explain why I still feel like androgynous is a big part of not just my traits or the way I present (because I don't even present that way a lot), but a part of my internal gender. I did some research to see if bigender could feel like two genders mixed together and apparently it can so I think that might be right. But I'm gonna try it out and see how it feels.
