It feels like my body has been playing tug of war with itself. Some moments I've felt pretty much a dude, some moments I've felt entirely like a woman- and many a time I haven't known and simply wish I had no gender. When I've felt like a woman, it almost feels as though some external force has possessed my spirit that isn't controllable. It's an awful feeling- but since I haven't felt that way all the time, I'm not even sure transitioning would solve my problem. So what the heck can I do? How can I survive in this world?
I don't really have any advice since I'm in the same boat myself. I also alternate between feeling like a man, woman, or neutral. Sometimes I too get so confused as to what I'm feeling and doubt myself. One suggestion-- when I know I feel a certain way, I do my best to express myself as best I can to alleviate some of the pain (whether through clothes, mannerisms etc, although gender identity is not gender expression, it personally helps me). You could also ask people you trust to use different pronouns or names for you depending on how you're feeling if that would make you more comfortable. Good luck
If it helps at all, you're not alone. I don't feel like a woman, but I don't know for sure that I feel like a man either. Sometimes I go through these durations of time where I know I'm not a woman, but I want to feel pretty for a while. Other times I just wish I didn't have to deal with any feelings about my body at all. It seems like no matter what I do I won't be any closer to feeling at home in myself. Gender can be a big confusing mess, especially with society's binary views on the subject. Remember, you don't have to be either. It's ok to just be you. It isn't always easy, I know, but it is ok.
