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Confusion and Anxiety About My Gender Identity

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AndrewVSAndrea, Jul 31, 2016.

  1. AndrewVSAndrea

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    So, I had a kind of breakthrough a few months ago when I met some transgender people online, and I realized that perhaps dysphoria explains why I've felt like an alien amongst other people ever since puberty ended. I've always felt like "other" girls were judging me or like I was somehow only disguised as a girl and they could all see right through it. I've also always felt like boys look at me and think, "Whatever that thing is, it's not a real girl." So I identified myself as a feminine male and for a while I've been happy. Once I came to grips about my identity it felt like a weight was lifted, and the depression that had been plaguing me since I was 12 was suddenly easier.

    Recently though it's been eating at me. I don't seem to match a lot of the usual signs of dysphoria. The symptoms I do have are a sense of disconnection from my emotions, feeling like every day was just a pointless routine struggle, no purpose in life, feeling like I'm a complete alien amongst others, that sense of being a kind of "imposter" amongst others of the same gender I was assigned at birth, and feeling better when crossdressing.

    However, I'm also missing a few very "normal" signs of dysphoria, like early warning signs as a child, or a strong desire to be rid of my genitals. I'm also having a very difficult time adjusting to male pronouns. For the past several days I have not felt like a girl, but I've been very uncertain whether I actually feel like a boy or not. I also crossdressed again today, which brings me a sense of ease and satisfaction, but I still didn't feel quite like a boy this time.

    I guess my questions are: any advice on how I could maybe clear my head and sort things out? What does this all mean? Should I not look too deeply into these doubts?
     
  2. SystemGlitch

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    Not every trans person hates their genitals, so don't define yourself by that. There are also trans people who seemed like a cis child. Dysphoria is a lot more complicated than "check all these boxes" - it seems to me like you had social dysphoria more than body dysphoria, which is similar to me (though I do have a lot of dysphoria about my chest and lack-of-a-bulge when I'm in public).

    Adjusting to pronouns can be a shock to the system. For all your life you've had certain words used to refer to you, and it can feel a little surreal to have that change. I've seen other trans folk who say similar things, about how the pronouns are odd to them. Give it time to get used to them. :slight_smile: If they still don't feel right after two or so months of regular use, maybe have a go at using gender neutral pronouns instead.

    It's possible that you are more gender-neutral than transgender. However, some people do have this in-between period where things don't feel quite perfect - it's possible that you still know about your body, and its causing a hang up in accepting your male identity. I think it may pass in time, but if it doesn't, try seeing if gender-neutral expression and terms make you feel more comfortable and more like yourself.

    I hope this helps!
     
    #2 SystemGlitch, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
  3. Monsterita

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    Yep, every trans person's experience is unique, because everyone's brain and environment is different. The specific dysphoria you experience will be some combination of your specific neural tissue and your specific social circumstances. Not having strong physical dysphoria doesn't necessarily say anything about the strength of your gender identity, since your body map by itself doesn't directly produce your identity, which is probably based on other neural circuits entirely. Body dysphoria is almost certainly going to affect your gender identity, but your identity may arise from other factors as well. As no one has any control over their gender identity, regardless of how it arises, it's pointless to beat yourself up for having a unique brain and circumstances. Your gender identity, and the dysphoria you experience, are as uniquely your own as your face.

    I have always had a very strong female identity, but my own body dysphoria is fairly mild. Most of my gender dysphoria is social dysphoria. I have strong reservations about physically transitioning, not because I don't want a female body (it's pretty much the only thing I've ever wanted) but simply because I also have health OCD so I feel like everything that possibly could go wrong with my transition will go wrong. My mental issues interfere with my transition, but don't invalidate my identity.

    I've also only rarely crossdressed. Not because I don't want to wear gender-appropriate clothing, but simply because I have no opportunity or reason to atm. It's just not something I've ever felt a need to do. And female pronouns online still sort of weird me out. Not because I don't enjoy them, but because I feel like I don't deserve them because I'm such a bad example of womanhood.

    Despite all those contraindicators, my identity has always been very consistent and unambiguous to me. Being seen as a woman, and having a female body are pretty much the only things I have ever wanted and every day not having them is torture. So ... everyone's experience is unique.