So I've been on hormones for almost a year. MTF (basically). I've come out to my family (they left) and am 100% out. I've yet to get a legal name change but have been going by Taylor. When I came out to my mom she did a really good job convincing me I'm not trans, something just happened to me as a child. Or she blames it on my drug use (which is in the past). I cant completely ignore what she has said, I may have something broken inside me. Something may have happened when I was a kid that I cant remember. I have cut her out of my life completely but I cant completely brush off her words. Now I go by a different name from one I had for 24 years. Part of me is terrified I'll wake up one day and suddenly not be trans. No name truly seems to fit me anymore, my real name "Taylor" or my deadname. Taylor is the closest I can get, but theres still 24 years of my life telling me that is not my real name.
Here's the thing about what your mother said - Whether or not your gender dysphoria was created by something in your past is frankly irrelevant. If you're experiencing it, you're experiencing it and you deserve to do whatever you need to live your life and be as happy as possible.
This is the conclusion I've just today come to. I keep trying to figure out it it's real. Sometimes I am paranoid that not only am I not trans, but being trans isn't even a real thing and we're all deluded. But tonight I concluded that it doesn't even matter if it's real or not, all that matters is that I have dysphoria, I'm not happy, I want to transition, and I would be happier that way. That is real enough. No point driving myself crazy over whether it is just an idea I've gotten in my head or if there are actually biological reasons for the way I feel. Life is short and we need to do what will make us happy.
I... kinda had a total breakdown after posting that. Gave up on outside help for a while. I'm glad I made it back to read this. Its something which can be easy to forget.
