So I've been depressed for at least three months now. Sleeping all day, no appetite, crying spells, drinking a lot, picking fights, never wanting to leave the house. Sounds like depression, but idk because I've never been diagnosed with depression and it doesn't run in my family and it's just not something I experience on the regular. I'm pretty sure it was all caused by trans stuff because it was always on my mind, that's mostly why I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to eat partly because of dysphoria related body issues, was sleeping a lot because I didn't want to deal with my feelings, picking fights almost exclusively because of my gender frustration, etc. But for the last week or so I haven't been depressed I don't think. Or at least not the way I was. And my dysphoria has likewise become less pervasive, or perhaps because my dysphoria has lessened I am less depressed. I mean I still have all those problems I had before I guess besides the fact that I am generally not picking a lot of fights, but it is not palpable like it was before. And I don't think about being trans 24 hours a day like I did when I was first questioning. It is now background noise. This is a little confusing because one of the main symptoms of my dysphoria was depression and now that it is more or less gone, I feel a little better overall. Yet I still want to transition but it doesn't feel as tragic or urgent as before. Is this relatable at all? Should I just be depressed all the time if I am trans? Perhaps I am just getting used to the idea and I've finally finished my mourning phase? I mean, things are looking up for me. I should be able to get on T soon, I'm out to twelve people, no one has reacted badly and even my fiancee is really coming around to the whole thing. Maybe I was just depressed because I was afraid and felt alone? Thoughts?
This is a complicated topic. To start, no I don't think you should be depressed all the time if you are trans. Your depression might have some roots in being trans, but depression isn't something tied in a 1:1 ratio with being trans. For example, if someone you cared about died you would be depressed, but your depression in that case would be overwhelmingly about the loss of a loved one. You probably wouldn't focus much on being trans or be thinking about depression in relation to being trans as much as you might otherwise during that time. Furthermore, you would eventually with proper support heal from that loss. Maybe not to 100% of where you were before, but I don't think you would reasonably claim that all future intense depression was due to that event. You would have gone through a mourning phase. Now you mentioned that you went through a mourning phase. What were you mourning? Mourning is usually associated with accepting that something bad or tragic has happened to you. In other words you don't mourn eating a delicious pizza, or winning the lottery. You mourn after death. After loss. So what did you lose?
I guess I was mourning the fact that I will ever have a normal life. Transitioning in the future is something that I have considered (albeit VERY briefly and in a detached sort of ha-ha manner) for many years, and decided each time that no, I couldn't do that. It is morally wrong. I'm afraid of surgery. I wouldn't want to be "one of those" people. I'm fine the way I am. I am just masculine that doesn't mean I'm male. I wouldn't be able to tell anyone. I'll just have to keep that hidden very deep to where even I can't find it. And sometimes I still think that stuff. But I can't hold back anymore so I guess in a way I was also mourning my loss of self control. The dam finally burst. And I was mourning the fact that my four year relationship will probably end because of this. Stuff like that. But like I said, I'm more or less over it. I'm looking to the future. It must be those five stages of grief: I was in denial for about five years. I then became angry at people who misgendered me even though I couldn't admit to why it angered me, even to myself, and I bottled that anger up deep inside. I bargained with myself that if the world was different maybe I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe if I learned to deal with my feelings I could be happy. For the last three months or so I've been depressed because of the mourning thing I mentioned. Maybe I am finally moving on to acceptance.
I went through sonething very similar, but I don't know what I should say. I went a different path though. I have seriously no idea what kind of creature I am, but I went through a normal transgender griefing, and solved some denial issues, came to terms with all that, threw away girly clothes, cut my hair, left everything I knew before to begin a new life, and... Ain't transitioning anywhere. ---------- Post added 4th Aug 2016 at 06:01 AM ---------- Glad you're feeling better
Chemically speaking, you could be having a better time of it than you have been. There are a number of causes for depression (mine for instance is because of family history). It could very well be that your brain is done tormenting you with the various changes you'll go through as a result of transitioning and you've reached an acceptance. When I go through particularly bad patches (as I have done lately) I have to go back on anti depressants for a while. My brain just ends up making more problems than solutions and I get anxious in situations I'd already worked out years ago. You've probably white knuckled it through your depression, self medicating with drink and you've come out the other side. I wouldn't want to suggest this is a course of action every time. Worth assessing your lifestyle, diet, exercise, friendships, work etc and seeing if there are any changes you could make there to be a bit more in control of your reactions. I don't drink, clean diet and workout 6 days a week. If I didn't make those changes 5 years ago, id be a mess right now.
In addition to what @Kal said, seeing a therapist who knows about trans issues might be helpful as well. I did something like that and it helped a lot.
I am actually in gender therapy now. I think I have the opposite problem. Gender is all she wants to talk about and acts like t will fix everything.
What is a "normal life"? What does that mean? How do you mourn losing self control? That sounds like someone is controlling your life for you. Like, if someone had a gun to your head and was keeping you as a prisoner. You might mourn losing "self control". But how does it apply to what you said?
