So, I think I may be transmasculine, I was dfab and I'm 17 but I've always felt in my heart, as cliche as that sounds, that my assigned gender wasn't quite right and didn't match me at all. I remember when I was 13 and I got my period, I was devastated because I thought I had gotten lucky and skipped it, like just skipped the whole female puberty in general. That wasn't the case unfortunately. That was also around the time I cut off my hair and I also remember the first time I bought a shirt from the guys section, I was ecstatic to say the least! I guess everybody, especially my mom, just thought I was more of a tomboy, or something, or maybe it was some weird thing that I was going through because of the ongoing divorce. But let me tell you, I was definitely not sad when people used he/him pronouns for me, it made me feel good and like I was truly being myself. I got into my first serious relationship when I hit freshman year and I let my hair grow out and everything, I changed who I was entirely for this person, not the best experience. I regret conforming to what other people, mainly my family and this particular person, thought I should be, and I regret not being myself, but it's hard trying to question your gender when you go to a Lutheran school (think of us as less strict Catholics). Now that I'm 17, I'm getting these urges again, to cut off all of my hair and present like a guy and my mom definitely thinks it's a phase. I care about what she says a lot so it kind of hurts me, I have thought cycles that are just: what if it really is just a phase? It can't be because I've felt this way for a long time, even if I haven't always fully acknowledged it. Ok, but what if it's for attention because of you being a freaking teen and being how you are? That's ridiculous, that's my anxiety talking... Or is it? And it goes on and on. What if I end up transitioning and I decide that I want to detransition? What if my mom is right? But then I think about how much better I feel when I am presenting masculinely and how my anxiety actually goes down rather than if I try to embrace being a female. I'm in a lot of pain right now because in my present situation, it's hard to get all the necessary materials, I can't afford anything, not even a haircut at the moment and everything is confusing as heck... I need some help, advice, words of encouragement, anything!! Thank you for reading
And if you cut your hair short as a phase, is that bad? It doesn't sound like a phase though ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2016 at 12:56 AM ---------- You don't have to do everything at once. If you cut your hair, for example, and wear men's shirts, doesn't mean you have to transition. It's okey and normal to have doubts. Who doesn't have doubts about such major things?
I personally don't think it's a bad thing at all, because it's me, you know? I want to take things slow and just see what works for me. But apparently, I'm not "allowed" to do those things, so says my mom. And I think that it's mainly because it's senior year for me and I'm going to be graduating, so I plan on just hanging tight until I get to college, at least there I will have personal freedom, the freedom to experiment with who I am and what I need but I do know I needed this though, thank you!! (*hug*)
You're welcome Sorry it took me so long to reply. I had to actually think I hope you're still there. You could try convincing your parents that there is nothing bad about presenting more masculine. Nevertheless, the senior year is in fact difficult, and so is the first year of university and I wish you best of luck, patencie, and whatever you might need. You could start over with the small things nobody could point to, but are still quite important, like experimenting with mannerisms, voice, starting any kind of workout.... It gives a feeling of moving forward when you are otherwise stuck, and actually is a quite big field to experiment and feel more comfortable with yourself.
