Over the past month and a half since I came out as genderfluid it has become obvious that my brain is a total pro when it comes to denying and erasing my being trans, whether it's outright "You're cis" statements or conveniently forgetting things which point to being trans, grabbing on to anything which can be used to create an alternative explanation, or even plain old straight out denial. When I came out, I felt free. Since then doubts have started surfacing and now, having just suffered a bout of dysphoria and certainty I'm a girl, I'm starting to wonder when the times I don't feel female are just a cover-up to stop me realising that I'm male to female binary trans. How do I tell the difference between "real" male identify and "fake" male identity?
This is worded a bit oddly so I don't quite know how to answer. Gender expression can change and is fluid, but are you happy with your body? If you introspect too much you can end up in a vortex of 'this' and 'that'.
I used to identify as genderfluid and now identify as a binary trans guy, so I think I understand the issue you're having. It can be hard to tell whether you are genuinely feeling male or if your feelings of being male are because of denial about being binary trans or mistaking lower dysphoria for feeling male. For me, I realized that the days I "felt female", I was actually just having less dysphoria and either mistaking lower dysphoria for being female or wanting to return to the gender I was used to (and having little enough dysphoria that I could make myself "be a girl" without being uncomfortable about it). For me, I figured it out because after I got used to being trans, I started realizing that there weren't any days I would be uncomfortable being male, even if there were days I had lower dysphoria and/or would be okay being female. I never really wanted to be female. At best, I was okay with it.
