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parent of 13 year old -- need advice

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ohmcgee, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. ohmcgee

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    Hi, I'm new here and I apologize for the wall of text I'm about to post, but I felt like I should give all the background info if I'm going to ask for advice. I'm bisexual myself, but I'm actually here to ask for advice on my thirteen year old. She hasn't asked to change pronouns as of yet, so I will still be referring to her as a girl, using she, etc. Also, I am aware no one can tell me what my child identifies as except for her, but I am here hoping to find a little insight or maybe connect with someone who has gone through the same thing.

    Here's our story:

    She's never been a girly girl. As a child she loved My Little Pony, dinosaurs, the movie Cars and The Last Unicorn. She'd get fiesty when the drive thru person at McDonald's would say she wanted a "boy toy" because she wanted the Power Ranger and not the barbie. She told them once "I'm a GIRL." I've always believed in gender neutral toys, tv programming, etc, so she basically played with and did a mix of things, but she was never the "stereotypical" girl child, playing with dolls or barbies, playing house and pretending to be the mommy, etc. Her favorite toys (that we still have actually) was a huge pink My Little Pony castle and a big plastic fold up batcave lol. Oh, and the ninja turtle van. The pony's would go riding around in that. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Most of her life she's worn shirts from the boy's section and girls jeans because the boy's section just always had the kind of cool tees she liked, though there were exceptions of course. For a very short period she insisted on only wearing "shirts that fit" from the girls section, but that lasted less than a year. Her interests have been: dinosaurs, video games (minecraft, Animal Jam, Wizard 101, Pokemon) and drawing. Draws all the time. When she was 7, I believe, she was designing her own video game and she said you could choose to be "a girl or a boy or a non-gender person." Which I thought was a pretty big thought for a seven year old. She's constantly drawing and making up her own characters and I can never tell what gender they are because she draws them all very androgynously. Also for most of her elementary life she hung out with the boys. That's who she sat with at lunch, played with at p.e, etc. But she did have a handful of girl friends. She pretty much just liked everybody but I think related to the boys better. Oh, and she was in two (really, really lowkey) beauty pageants that her school put on each year. She totally hated getting her hair and makeup done, but it was her choice to be in the pageant, I'm no pageant mom lol. She liked trying on the sparkly dresses.

    She's never told us she was a boy, felt more like a boy than a girl, or gotten mad that anyone referred to her as a girl. She's worn dresses and skirts by her own choice, though for the most part she just puts on whatever is in the closet. She doesn't really give a crap about clothes/fashion at all. So anyway! She's always just been My Kid. We never even referred to her a tomboy really because she's not about roughhousing or playing outside/getting dirty, etc. She more fits in with the nerd/geek crowd if you know what I mean.

    SO. Okay. Then puberty happened. I didn't realize it until NOW, but that's when she developed what -- I laughed about then -- as an unnatural attachment to her hoodie. She's wear it in 90 degree heat. She'd wear it to sleep it. I realize now it was because she'd hit puberty and started getting boobs. The boys she had always hung around with started treating her differently, making rude comments that made her SUPER uncomfortable. That was fifth grade. Her boobs didn't STOP growing, unfortunately. She's a thirteen year old with 38c's, man. She's miserable. :frowning2:

    Like I said, I think the dysphoria started in fifth grade although I'm not even sure she was aware why she was wearing her hoodie all the time. Either way, she didn't come to me about her discomfort until about sixth months ago. She just randomly asked me if I cared if she wore two sports bras. I was kind of like ??? because I'd totally never heard of doing that and we live in Florida and I just told her it would be super uncomfortable. Then I noticed her getting really upset if the neck of her "girl" shirts was too low. Then she came to me asking if I could get her a binder. That's when I really started looking into things. After that it just really snowballed. During one crying fit about how much she hates her boobs and wants to get rid of them she says, "I just want to be a guy. I just want to be transgender."

    She has days where she spends hours on my bed with me crying about how uncomfortable her chest makes her, asking if she can shower in a sports bra, wearing huge baggy shirts and hoodies, and days where she doesn't seem to be bothered, wears some of her fitted "girl" shirts and seems okay. I've taken her shopping for clothes specifically out of the boy's/mens section. She wears boxers instead of women's underwear now. But she doesn't want a short (boy) haircut. She did get it cut, but it's just about chin length. Also she freaked about a month or two ago that her legs were too hairy and begged me to let her shave them. Now she doesn't want to shave them anymore. Also she has pretty severe anxiety, social and otherwise. Sixth grade she went to a special STEMM school and she absolutely loved the kids there, did NOT want to leave, but the stress of the coursework and one of the teachers stressed her out so much she began self-harming, so I had to remove her. We actually homeschool now.

    SO. If you were amazing enough to read that entire wall of text basically what I'm asking is, has anyone else had a teenager girl go through this? I honestly, HONESTLY have no problem with having a transgender child. However, I'm not sure that's totally what's going on. Or -- I don't feel that she necessarily feels that she is a male in a female body. I definitely believe she is outside the gender binary. But I also think as a teenager going through puberty she is seeing things in black and white and thinks that becoming a boy will make her life better. Ever since puberty hit she has felt like she has to decide Everything! Right! Now! In a matter of weeks she decided she was atheist, gay, and asexual. A few months later is when the gender stuff started happening. (Now she tells me, in HER words: "Oh, I'm not gay. That was just a phase.) So I don't know. I am currently searching diligently for a gender therapist (that I can afford), but we live in a super rural southern area, so I'm not coming up with much. In the mean time, does anyone have any thoughts/experience on this/advice?

    Also! I just don't know what to do about her dysphoria with her breasts. I've tried googling but it's generally "my daughter hates her SMALL boobs." Not the other way around. Or if it is, there is nothing offered as a solution. We've tried layering. We've tried sports bras and camisoles. Right now she's wearing a sports bra with a looser sports bra over that and a tight cami over that with a large-ish t-shirt on top. It just doesn't do much to hide 38c's. I'm worried about binders because of the health risks and the tissue damage and he fact that she's only thirteen, but I also don't want her to be miserable in her own body. Are binders okay for thirteen years old?

    Gosh that's a lot of words. Bless you if you made it this far. (&&&)
     
  2. Althidon

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    Wow. That's a tough situation.

    Many transgender men/boys don't realize who they are until puberty or even later. I was 19 before I knew I was transgender. Prior to that, I was just very unhappy with my body and my self but I didn't know why. I went through many of the same things as your child and then some - self harm, eating disorders, depression, suicide attempts. I'm glad you're there to support whatever your child is going through; being alone while feeling that way is horrible. I think if I'd been able to talk to my parents about how I felt, I wouldn't have ended up hurting myself as much.

    As far as the haircut/leg shaving/clothing thing goes - it sounds like your child is still figuring things out. Many trans people wait until they know exactly what they want before they approach family members about it. I'd say it shows a high level of trust between you and your child that you are having these conversations this early.
     
  3. SystemGlitch

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    It seems to be that your child might be bigender or non-binary. They definitely seem genderqueer in some sense. While they might be a feminine transman, it doesn't really come across that way to me.

    Puberty is the time when kids begin to question themselves the most, and try to really discover what they want from the world. Schools really like to stress "now you need to really decide what you want to do in life because you need to start preparing now!!" A lot of kids feel like they become an "adult" the moment they pass 11 or 12 years old (including me), so now they feel they have to make decisions and decide their life. And then with all the changes happening to themselves and hormones going haywire, it's a confusing time all around. Even being homeschooled, I think the idea of "oh god I'm getting to the start of the rest of my life" is still there. That's probably the cause of their need to do everything asap.

    The best advice I can give is to walk with them through all the questioning and let them know that you want to help them as best you can, while not trying to take over. Maybe also provide them with some LGBT reading materials? If they're seeing things in the "black and white" that society likes to think gender is, something that can educate them on non-binary identities might help a lot. You could also see if you can contact PFLAG, they are society specifically for parents and friends of LGBT people and should be able to provide you some help!

    Regarding binders; I believe I've read before that it isn't a good idea until the breasts are fully developed, but upon searching for that source I can't seem to find it... If you do decide to buy them a binder, do not get one from ebay as they are usually poorly made and can cause lasting rib damage from merely an hour of wear. You should get one from a well-accredited place, such as Underworks or gc2b.

    I began questioning just before my 14th birthday, and began identifying as a transman just after my 15th birthday. That year was confusing and full of opression from my parents, and even after changing my name and appearance nearly a year ago they still do not support me as they should (barely use my name, point-blank refuse to use pronouns) so you have no idea how appreciative I am that you are supportive of your child. We need more parents like you.
     
  4. ohmcgee

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    Thanks so much everyone for the replies. I'm sitting here crying because I've been worried that I'm not being supportive enough, so it's really nice to hear. And crying for you all, because I wish your families had been more supportive.

    Thanks @Althidon for the recommendation. Will totally check it out!

    @SystemGlitch is there is any specific gender identity reading material you would recommend for a barely-teen?
     
  5. SystemGlitch

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    I'm really glad we've been able to help! :slight_smile:

    Unfortunately the resources that my teacher gave me seem to have been taken down, I can't find it. I did find this video though: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlYtj0sf6ec as well as this article (though I don't know your child's comprehension level or if you want them to consider transitioning right now, so it may be best to read it yourself first): Transitioning While Non-Binary
     
  6. Matto_Corvo

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    I know most people are saying your child sounds non-binary but they sound straight up trans-male to me. Maybe because my own story is fairly similar.

    Especially the the part where they wish they are transgender. I use to say that all the time. I thought that I couldn't be trans male because I like guys still, and be cause I didn't' feel like a boy stuck in a girl's body.

    When Your Violin Is Supposed To Be A Cello: My Story Of Transition | Ravishly

    This article always helped me to better explain how I felt about myself.

    But non-binary or binary it is cool that are you willing to be so supportive and seek out advice.

    You should look up Dara Hoffman-Fox on Youtube. They are a gender therapist who answers a lot of transgender questions. You might find it helpful.
     
  7. mobytheshark

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    Hello. I'm new here, and not a parent, but can offer a bit of my perspective as a 22 year old trans dude.

    First off, it seems that you're very perceptive and supportive about what's going on with your kid, and they'll definitely realize what an awesome parent you're being.

    Your kid not putting your suspicions about their gender identity might be less about a lack of trust than not wanting to put something into words that they might not be sure about yet. In my case, my mom had suspected that I was trans long before I even considered the concept, and we didn't have any sort of discussion about it until I was 21. (I told her that I needed to talk to her about something, she asked if I wanted to be a boy, and I busted out crying because I was so surprised). I jokingly said that if she'd brought that up when I was younger, things would have been a lot easier, but (despite not knowing what the word "transgender" meant until the age of 18) I'm glad that she left me space to figure it out on my own.

    A bit of personal advice would be to not worry too much about gender categories and which your kid fits into. Being pressured into picking a box to conform to (most of the time in a nonpressuring way, but stressful for the person trying to figure out who they are) can sometimes make things more difficult to figure out, or cause one to rush to decisions. Dialogue is good though, and it seems like y'all are close in that regard.

    Good luck.
     
  8. Rickystarr

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    They might be trans, might not. They might just be having a hard time with puberty which can happen to anyone, just most notably transkids. For what it's worth I think you're doing everything right so far and being more supportive than most. Just leave the lines of communication open and they'll figure it out.
     
  9. I AM MEOW

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    Layering sports bras is a lot less comfortable than a binder. Also a good oversized button down shirt over a t shirt works great to hide boobs. If you roll up the sleeves or get a short sleeved one it's great for summer. You might could see if your kid is interested in that since it's summer.
     
  10. LeticiaTheLesbo

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    Communication will be key in this time. Make sure that she knows you are always there to talk to. I would say maybe even bringing up these topics of gender with her. Introduce her to other genders maybe. Communicate. Educate yourself on these topics. And we here at EC are always here for you and your daughter. :slight_smile: Good luck!
     
  11. mvp 447

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    I don't have a situation like this thankfully, it must be very tough, but if possible, see a professional therapist. If she's getting a lot of anxiety/depression b/c of this, which is normal, treat that too.
     
  12. BenFreeman

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    Can you tell your child that you will love her and support her no matter what ...and that you will be there for her? let her know that its ok to feel confused and that its ok to express those feelings...
    I believe that if YOU (not a therapist) give this child your unconditional acceptance and love no matter what, (s)he will centre herself and find her own answers and her own clarity in time. Whatever (s)he tells you...let her know its ok. its not important what the root of this is....its not important for YOU to figure her out....what is important is that you create an environment in which (s)he feels safe to figure it out for herself. Love her...and give her time.