Hey. So, I'm new to this site,. Nice to meet y'all. Bit of backstory: I'm 22, living with roommates, trans dude, and started testosterone about 9 months ago. Mostly male (and I "present" as male without being questioned (unless I get asked for ID)), but not superglued to the binary in terms of a lot of things. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and it's a big enough company that, for the first time since deciding to transition, the people I work with don't know me as much other than another cis dude. (My previous jobs didn't have HR departments, and I'm fortunate that my current job is chill with putting the more relevant name on my badge and all that). It's a new experience, and I'm definitely enjoying it, but there's also a lot of weird feelings about interacting with people. I don't want it to get out that I'm trans, because I like being invisible, and I'm not the friendly sort of person who can be out there showing that "_____ are people too!"... But I am generally a very bluntly honest person, and it feels like I have to erase my past and hide the experiences that have gotten me this far just to maintain a space where I can safely be myself. Most of the people I work with are Republicans (not that that's a problem in and of itself), and all of them are quite a bit older, which is a combination that is statistically unlikely to be chill about LGBT stuff. I get along great with them, it's just a tension when I find out I went to highschool with someone's kids and have to hope they don't look me up in the yearbook, and not being able to talk about most of my experiences that I would otherwise bring up in a particular conversation. Anyone else deal with anything similar and have advice?
Other than your transition, which parts of your past and your current life situation are awkward to talk openly about? (sorry for my ignorance here) Are there some specific workmates that feel close enough to already who you want to talk about your non-work-life with?
Yeah, I kind of do. I'm out to a pretty big number of people but not professionally or to some people that it's problematic with. I'm not shy about LGBTQIA issues and support and when they come up, I'm pretty vocal about my opinion there, but I'm not the person who brings them up. I want pretty much just to be left alone as far as my personal life goes. Anyway, I just don't talk about specifics to anyone at my job. I don't think it's anyone's business what we are or what we do in our own time. I don't even think it's anyone's business knowing any more about you than you're comfortable with when you're on the clock.
I'm on something like a work crew of 7-14 people, but there's four of us who kinda stick together and joke around. Everyone gets teased a lot about stuff (for me it's mostly age related, being 22 when everyone else on the crew is between 40 and 90). The most awkward moment was a conversation at lunch about circumcision, because two of us four weren't born in the US, so stuff was done differently. Luckily, I wasn't asked any questions in that regard, but 90% of the conversations are either about sex, or jokes involving male genitalia, which I have no experience with. (I've had sex with a few women over the years, but the nature of said sex was obviously different from most mens' experiences.) A few of the awkward things are that I'm living with two females and not having a relationship with either one, which led to the question of why I'm not living with my parents or in college. I'm not on speaking terms with my father, and he was abusive at a few points before he found out that I'm not a heterosexual female, and that's not stuff I really want all my coworkers to know about me during my second week on the job. They all seem to have friendly relationships with their kids, and most of them seem to have come to the conclusion that my father and I don't get along because I'm rebellious or something. I don't generally tell people I'm trans unless they previously knew me as a "female," if they're obviously confused about my gender and it would be mutually beneficial for them to know, if it's a situation where a potential problem can be avoided by disclosing gender complications in advance, or it somehow comes up in conversation. If someone were to ask me about it, I'd be honest unless I know that they might use it against me (for example, my previous employers were fairly anti-lgbt, so I pretty much just pointed out that calling me by my legal name rather than the name I introduce myself as was confusing to customers, and said that I have aspects of both genders despite being legally female. They didn't follow laws about paying minimum wage, overtime, or providing health insurance to full-time employees, so they wouldn't think twice about firing me for being trans). Mostly, I'd rather be defined by other things than trans, because it's an unusual enough characteristic that it seems to be all people see once they know.
All of that is perfectly understandable. I think most transfolk have that inner conflict of stealth vs. out and for the most part people are out in some places and not in others. Maybe you should join some sort of trans group so you'll have people you can be open with.
I can relate to nearly everything you've said. I moved away right after I started T and was able to live completely stealth and at first it felt like no one really knew me for who I was, but the feeling passed after I made a few close friends. They still don't know I'm trans, simply because I prefer it that way. I simply play along with most of the jokes if I feel like it and sometimes I simply stay quiet and remind myself that not every cis guy finds penis jokes funny. If it's just a job you will disregard in a few months anyway, I wouldn't come out, it would be too much work for me. Like Patrick suggested, finding people to talk with about trans stuff can be pretty cool. While I'm stealth in a lot of aspects, I have a few friends who know I'm trans and who support me, which has helped a lot.
Learning to respond to penis jokes can't be that hard.....wow I just read that again. I'm leaving it, to make a point: the most important response is laughter. Don't go out on a limb. In 30 years living as a male every day I've never been in a situation where I had to make a penis joke. Nor have I ever felt like sharing gory details of a sexual experience was necessary. Just chuckle, crack a smile, maybe shake your head. If you don't talk much about your personal life anyway then people will just assume you're religious or a slightly uptight professional type of person. Either way, nobody will question your maleness over it. One thing guys do expect from other guys is some pursuit of sex. If you're getting to know people at work you could create a online profile or something. It's good experience even if nothing comes of it and "I find a girl online to take out when I want to get laid, but avoid relationships" seems to satisfy their curiosity enough that you can dodge more specific questions.
