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Theory about friendlessness

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kal, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. Kal

    Kal
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    Here's something I've struggled with for all of my twenties. I don't have any friends. Sure, I've got the odd colleague that I may have a chat about non-work stuff, one person in the area that I talk to on the off chance but not really sure if we actually are friends and another person that lives 5 hours away and I see once every 2 years.

    I spend most of my weekends by myself. Doing chores, going to the gym, watching telly and maybe the odd shopping trip to a neighbouring city. But I don't speak to anyone or have conversation. Once a month I see my family and even then I'm mostly used as a childminder, rather than someone to spend time with. I talk to myself quite a bit and get through boxsets. If I didn't work out as much as I do I wouldn't really have a hobby.

    I'm not a horrible person, or at least I don't think I am. I try and strike up friendships at work with people by asking them about their lives or helping them with work stuff. But I tend to be ignored when people go and grab a coffee and people talk over me when in a group discussion. I live and work in a town that ultimately doesn't make me very happy and I feel so stuck here it's unbelievable. I own my house and have a job; great. But for the life of me I can't seem to find a job in the area I want to live. I want to stay in the south and not have to move up north or live in London.

    Here's my theory about what I'm still friendless after 8 years of trying pretty hard - I held more stock in relationships in my late teens and early twenties and assumed that friendships were easier to come by and therefore, needed less work. And just when I thought I'd finally found a friendship group after the ending of a relationship, it came to a grinding halt because the main person interested in keeping me a part of that group decided she didn't want association with me. No reason, just cut ties for quite a while. I've tried igniting old friendships and once or twice I've been invited to do things (well, I say things and by that I really mean that they didn't have any money so we sat in my lounge for a couple of hours). They still bump into me now and say we "need to do something soon" and despite me asking, it never happens. Guess it eases their conscience to think that they've tried. I believe that because I am so so different to people in this place, I present differently and have different morals and drivers that they cannot relate to it and I stop being a draw. Male friends would be the preference but they don't seem to want to hang out and the females don't see me as female (all those they hang out with have long hair, make up, husband etc etc) and so I stick out. Human preference dictates right?

    And all this is well and good...I get it and have done for a while now. I'm without friends, a true best friend and confidant. I don't go on holiday because I have no one to go with, although now it's got to the point that I'm going to go on my own. And the linkage to gender is this: I'm going through possibly the toughest challenge of my life, starting the journey of changing my gender and I have no one in the day to day for support, care or love. I have no friendship group rallying around me, listening and helping. Or even taking my mind off it. I would love to have a friend that rocked up at my place to take me for food or bowling or whatever, just to keep me occupied and to have a laugh. It makes me really sad to see people that have this and I feel like the odd one out. A freak for not having any friends.

    And to be honest, I've got so tired of asking people to hang out and then being blown off (by different people, ALL THE TIME) that I don't try anymore. I don't ask because it made me really upset when they'd text to cancel a few hours before. I'm 2 years away from 30 and I have no friends. The only people in my life that care to respond are on this forum.
     
  2. Secrets5

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    I found it easier to have friends later in life, due to realising [even though it's difficult me to realise it in practise] that not everyone is going to react the same way. When I was 5 I had a best friend [since birth] but I went into hospital for a month. When I came out, he told me he wouldn't play with me since he made some new friends, and did not indicate for me to join their group. So for the next thirteen years I assumed everyone would be the same, and was hesitant about talking with people. I had only one friend during high school, [but after colledge we have kind of stopped talking]. When I went into hospital during high school, for about two weeks every three months, no one would contact me beyond 'nm' [nothing much] when I asked them what was going on, only to find loads had actually happened. But now I'm 18 and not going into hospital as much, so maybe that's it, but I am now asking one friend to do things outside of LGBT meetings, so it's gotten easier. She didn't have any friends during high school beyond those from primary either. I'm not sure why we get on, looking back our conversations are kind of awkward, but I like talking with her.

    Anyway, after my rant I found some possibly helpful advice for you. Perhaps find people in a similar situation to you, and so they'll understand you more so less likely to push you away as they have been in that situation. Talk about the situation if it's becoming difficult, but for the most part do other things - even such as going to a movie if you're not sure about how much of a conversation you've got yet - you can talk about the movie after and perhaps lead onto other conversations. If you need to leave the group or person for a bit, try to keep in contact with them as much as possible, so you're not losing contact. Pehaps write a list of things you want out of a friendship, and then write what other people might want. Try to find some middle ground and then go searching for people like that. You say "The only people in my life that care to respond are on this forum" - if it's specific about LGBT why they're replying and that helps you branch out into other topics of interest, perhaps find LGBT people in real life you can talk with.

    Hope this helps.
     
    #2 Secrets5, Aug 12, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2016
  3. SkyWinter

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    I'm in a similar boat. No friends.

    Here's what I'll say. It's better to be alone than to have fake friends. Obviously any sane person would prefer friends to no friends, but if you prefer fake friends to being alone, then there is a problem.

    Also, I'm going to challenge something you said. This sentence "I would love to have a friend that rocked up at my place to take me for food or bowling or whatever, just to keep me occupied" bothers me. Friends aren't tools. Friends shouldn't be there to "just keep you occupied". That's not a healthy relationship. That's just you using another person.

    Now maybe that's not what you were going for in that sentence, and please tell me if that's not what you meant. If it is what you meant, then you might want to think about that. A relationship with anyone is a two way street and most people forget that. That's why most relationships are so fake. Because people are just sort of using each other and not really connecting to each other in a meaningful way.
     
  4. Kal

    Kal
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    Challenge all you like, I stand by what I wrote. You've misunderstood the context; occupied from the gender transition troubles, as I would for anyone else. There's no selfishness in that, purely I would expect a good friend to think to do. Not a fickle and disingenuous want. The person that I said I wasn't sure if we were actually friends? She got battered by her girlfriend so I invited her for dinner and to stay at mine...to keep her occupied.

    Odd.

    ---------- Post added 12th Aug 2016 at 10:59 PM ----------

    Maybe. There is a trans support group in my area but they're extremely visible and bang the drum. I'll take a look outside of my area to find a group that has little to do with the community I live in (very delicate situation and everyone knows everyone in this town).
     
  5. SkyWinter

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    "Challenge all you like, I stand by what I wrote. You've misunderstood the context; occupied from the gender transition troubles, as I would for anyone else. There's no selfishness in that, purely I would expect a good friend to think to do. Not a fickle and disingenuous want. The person that I said I wasn't sure if we were actually friends? She got battered by her girlfriend so I invited her for dinner and to stay at mine...to keep her occupied. "

    And how did that work out? You "kept her occupied" and here you are complaining that you have no friends. Friendships aren't built off what you can do for each other.
     
  6. Kal

    Kal
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    The negative connotation you read into the word "occupied" interests me greatly. Occupation from feeling pain, dwelling on hateful treatment and self loathing. This is not a terrible act. I occupy time, space and a beating heart. Your assessment is a perception based on preferences, which in turn is borne of experiences. Friendships are built off respect and love; for love, I would want to complement happiness. For love, I would want to matter. For love, I would want to distract someone from their anguish and torment. For love...I would occupy.

    Endlessly explaining semantics, compassion and other things all too complex for the pages of this forum holds no bearing on the purpose of the thread itself. You tried to give a smart response and unfortunately I fear you've gone round in circles and not offered anything tangible for consideration.

    A tad short sighted on your part, a quip that alluded to a presumed selfish need and expectation resulted in very little. Be mindful of your wording in future, because it may just expose a great lack of knowledge and understanding.
     
  7. Poppy43

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    Can you join some groups or classes? things that interest you?. I need to do this myself as I've had to move on from certain friends in my life. They dont have to be mind blowing, just things to get you out of the house. If your wanting male friends then lots of men are interested in sports, if you were into climbing/kayaking and outdoorsey stuff you would meet plenty of guys.
    Also plenty of people dont have friends at certain times in their lives, people come and go out of your life.