I am 20y/o Bio Female. I am confused about my gender, I have been for about two years now but only recently it has started to frustrate and make me feel sad. I have a form of Autism too, I don't know if this affects it? But ever since I was young and in school I have always felt different from other girls. I loved to play with boys and I loved playing football even though I wasn't very good at it, I also used to be a tomboy and Only wore girls clothes when my parents wanted me too like for special occasions etc. I'd say it never occurred to me about my gender when I was young. I was young I didn't care I never really noticed myself. Growing up I was bullied and I never had much friends. I always tried to fit in, to not be left out. I was called names such as "rugby head" this is because I have a longish face. My mum and I agreed to cut my hair short. I was happy with how it looked but kids would call me a boy and I hated it so I grew my hair back out again to where it was hitting my shoulders, I didn't liked how I looked with long hair so I cut it again. I then moved school due to being bullied a lot. At first I tried to make an impression, I tried to act girly, dress girly and be a bitch so people wouldn't bully me, this then begin to feel it wasn't me, so I stopped wearing make-up and dressed normally for me this was guy clothes. I was studying sport and I played sport with the lads at my new school, they saw me as a "lad" to them and I was ok with it. I also realised my sexuality then & later on I came out to my parents. When I was in my final year at school I dressed more Guyish & I didn't care what people thought. There were times where I would sit and think what it would be like being a guy. I finally loved myself in guys clothes that it started questioning gender but I thought nothing by it. I didn't like wearing dresses and too girly clothes but didn't mind make up. I would watch movies and I would relate me to the guy and pretend I'm the guy. I would even listen to music and pretend im a man in a music video, I even play as boy characters in video games and still do all that. I'm now 20, I've worn boxes for about 4 years and I would and never will wear underwear. I never wear bras, I did wear sports bra but I have recently bought a binder because I hate that I have boobs, I hate people looking at me seeing that my chest in popping out so I had to flatten it. I also have a partner who I have been with for nearly two years and I think I strongly felt more manly than I ever have since I got with her. In sex I have to be dominant, I don't want to be in a submissive position because it makes me feel feminine so she chose to let me be in full control and she's happy with that, we also bought a strap on dildo for me to use and I love how it makes me feel like a man but I hate it at the same time because I wish it was real I wish I could feel going inside her. Which brings me back to why I hate my body but there is something that tells me in a woman. I look in the mirror and I see a mixture of male and female due to my facial features but I hate looking down and seeing my body as it reminds me I'm not a guy. I used to go to the gym and I had gained a lot of muscle and I use to tense in the mirror and I loved it but I still felt it wasn't enough. Recently I told my parents I could be trans and they was ok with it (I think) both on 50/50 maybe because I told them "I could be" and they will try to convince me otherwise but I feel scared about my thoughts. I feel I would do transition but I'm scared of the impact. I'm scared of how society will see me. I feel I can't say I'm a guy now without looking in the mirror after transitioning and believe what I'm seeing if that makes sense? But I can't say I'm a girl either it doesn't feel right. I am thinking of telling my GP (doctor) & that maybe I can see a gender therapist but I want to know everyone's thoughts on this? Could I be trans? What could I do to look deeper in to it?.
I think seeing a gender therapist sounds like a good idea. Since you're questioning, a therapist can help you process your thoughts and make suggestions on how to move forward.
I get where you're coming from. Kids can be cruel and they pick up on things that adults don't. I was called "he she" for a year or so until it wore thin, despite having long hair and not being masculine much at that point. Fast forward to my age now of 27 almost 28 and I'm definitely trans. Only just come to terms with it. The transitioning part is both exciting and daunting. I haven't even told my family. Only one person knows and he's 5 hours away. Every time I talk to my mum I imagine saying it and what her reaction would be. But I plan on telling my brother first as he's likely to be more chilled about it. But physically transitioning? Scares the hell out of me. I want to but there's no way I could do it pre T. Not at work. That's going to be a huge mountain to climb. But at some stage I'm going to have to. After mentioning my gender questioning to 3 doctors and 2 therapists, I decided to ask to be referred to the Gender Identity Clinic. That was done on 9 August so now it's the waiting game. You read as trans to me. There's nothing in what you've written that points to anything other than that. But, I don't know you and there could be more to it. The sex thing, tick in the box on the basis of how it makes you FEEL - I'm exactly the same and nowadays I struggle to become aroused unless imagining I have a penis performing penetrative sex (which can be quite distracting when having to actively think of that in the moment). Muscle and masculinity, again tick in the box from my perspective. I'm a bodybuilder myself and love nothing more than sticking on a pair of boxers and looking at myself in the mirror at how big I am (I mentally scrub out the chest region so I don't focus on it). Telling yourself over and over again "I'm a man, I'm a bloke, I'm a guy" sounds foreign in your female voice. But hearing yourself refer to yourself as "she" because people don't know and you're not out yet kills you a little inside. Even your name feels a bit off now. Maybe discovering the forgotten piece of female clothing lurking in the bottom drawer. I don't wear bras now. I tape my nipples when wearing thicker clothing or KT tape when wearing thin. And tees with designs on the chest. It's all part and parcel of the issue at hand, what gender am I. But I see everything above and more as clear indicators that I am clearly not happy with being female and I need to try everything possible to discover my true self. This is just how I see things and my opinion only. There may be differences in your beliefs and experiences. But you sound trans and not too dissimilar from me to be fair.
