I'm a guy... but unfortunately I was born a girl.

I've always known I was a boy, I hated being called she/daughter/sister.
When I was younger, I was able to pass as androgynous which was enough at the time, but when puberty finally hit... that was no longer an option. I've always been slender but at 15 my chest began to develop... and what a development it was. Others began to find me attractive and I figured I might as well embrace the body I had, it was easy to pretend sometimes, others it wasn't.
I began cutting myself at 12, not just safety pin scratches but straight razor self mutilation. I have some wonderfully horrid scars.

I've always tried to suppress it, to blame it on mental illness. I'm bipolar, clinically depressed, and deal with major anxiety that have only gotten worse with age.

I have only ever been in relationships with men, though I've had the occasional fondness for particular women. I am almost completely attracted to men and I guess in a perfect world would be a gay man.

At 18 i had my son who is now five. I was married for a year to the father and have been in a few other long term relationships since then. But there's always been something wrong.

I hate my body. I hate that people look at me and see a woman. I hate looking in the mirror and not seeing the person I want to see.

I admitted this for the first time a couple months ago to a friend. Since then I've cut off my very long hair and started dressing more gender neutraly. But the more I let myself think about it, the more confused I feel.

I have a five year old that knows me as mom. I have a straight male fiance. I had resigned myself to never speak of how I really feel or act on it, but now I can't get it out of my head.

What do I do?

I don't feel like transitioning is an option for me... and I just want to go back to ignoring it. I make an attractive female and have an established life as a She... but I can't help but feel that it's been killing me slowly my entire life.

I guess that's all I have to say for now.

 

He does accept my leaning towards a more gender neutral appearance, I know he doesn't love it. He loves my female body and he loved my long hair... But he's wonderful and he loves me so much. I dob't know what he would do if i ever told him that i fully identify as male though. I feel like he'd be hurt.

---------- Post added 15th Aug 2016 at 01:14 AM ----------

And yes, Roxsie. I accept that.

 

Yes. I believe that we would always be best friends, he's said as much. I've always been pretty blunt about the fact that I want to be a guy... but everyone always thinks i'm joking. I'm very sarcastic and can be hard to have a serious conversation with (defence mechanism i guess) so even when i'm being serious people think I'm just being an asshole.

But that aside, we have a lot of deep conversations and that has been brought up, not as me saying I identify as male, but just as a hypothetical situation... and he told me he'd always love me but he wouldn't be attracted to me. Which is totally fair.

Really though, he'd be the easiest part of accepting how i feel. Although he would be very upet. Not because of who I am, but because we wouldn't be together.

 

That's one of my biggest problems, I turn everything serious into sarcasm. That's just my way of coping I guess... I am serious about it. It's real and I feel it everyday... I just don't know if it's worth actually acting on. My dad would never talk to me again... my family might try but they'd be so uncomfortable it wouldn't even be worth trying... and my son, how does mommy just stop being mommy? I don't know. I'm just so conflicted.