Okay here we go-- another one of these threads I am aware that no one can tell me my identity and that it's something I need to discover for myself. Regardless, I would appreciate any thoughts you have on what I write below. Honestly I think that just writing things down will help me make sense of it. Also I'm sorry if the formating is weird I'm writing on my phone, and also if this is confusing I am rather tired. When I was young, all of my friends were boys and I was basically one of them. Obviously, this doesn't neccessarily mean anything. I believe that I considered myself a tomboy despite not knowing exactly what the term meant. Around the age of 10 or 11, my body started to take a more "feminine" shape with my hips starting to grow outwards and chest beginning to grow as well. I was unhappy with this, and I can remember little me wanting to gain weight in order for my body to kind of "fill out"-- that is, to gain a body shape more like my bio male classmates. I also recall thinking that the extra weight would be "considered okay" by society since I was under the impression that weight was more accepted by society on men than on women. To me, this seems like I expected to be read as a man and was okay with that. The next years I was very unhappy with my body, particularly with my hips and thighs. I wore baggy clothes and hated anything that hugged my body too much. I started to feel pressure to be more feminine, and I started to make more female friends as the guys didn't seem to want me around as much. Then I joined a website and became aware of the LGBT community. I discovered that lesbians exsist, and it wasn't long before I identified as such. I felt like I belonged in the lesbian community. I realized recently that I sort of idealize lesbians and lesbian relationships since I read or know of many positive, healthy relationships and so many accepting and kind lesbians. I seem to expect that all of them are like that and I think that has a part with my hesitation to leave that community even though I'm not completely sure it fits. I feel that if I continue identifying as a lesbian that my life will turn out well-- that I'll find love and be successful. However, I'm not sure I'd really be happy if my significant other saw me as a woman, despite my desire to date a lesbian? This bizzare yearning to be in the lesbian community causes me to doubt the feeling that I want to be seen as a man, and makes me think I'm a butch lesbian or something. I've gotten a bit ahead of myself though. Okay, as soon as I accepted that I liked girls a while back, I had this period when I absolutely felt the need to be feminine, whether I wanted or not. Maybe I didn't want to fit in with the stereotype or something. Fortunately, that lasted only a month or so. That summer, I started questioning my gender (basically one year ago). I suddenly remembered my feelings from when I was 10 or 11, probably because I learned more about the trans community. I felt that I had been walking on the middle path of neutrality between being man or a woman (so on the spectrum between binary men and women I felt I was in the middle)--- on that note, I realize I may have been looking at gender expression at this point rather than identity. I wasn't happy with this, and felt that my mind was at a tug of war with itself, wanting to express more feminine and more masculine parts of me that I had hid deep inside in order to not be considered a 'girly girl' but also to be accepted by my society. This past year has been confusing and basically been dominated by my questioning. Around September last year I came across the term genderfluid (in this forum actually) and it seemed to fit. There were times that I felt like a man and others when I felt like a woman, and there were times I didn't really care. I know that this isn't about my gender expression-- sometimes I want to wear a dress or paint my nails and be seen as male. In fact, the idea that I might not be a cis woman allowed me to express myself more freely, including my femininity. There are times where I absolutely hate my breasts and hips and curves and feminine face and I hated my long hair because I felt I could see a man in the mirror more easily with short hair (thank goodness its been chopped off). But there are times when I actually like my body? Sometimes I wonder if its because I have distanced myself from it and like it because of my attraction to bio female bodies, but it also could be that I really do enjoy having this body sometimes. There are times when I am thrilled about identifying as a woman-- usually around topics about girl power and such. But there are also times when I want to be seen as a man and she/her pronouns bother me. Times that i get grouped in with the girls bother me, but i worry thats me being oversensitive since i am questioning. One time after I cut my hair short and I was wearing baggier clothes this person (in very bad lighting) called me a boy. I was thrilled (positively giddy), however this was partially overshadowed by fear since my father was with me and he hated my haircut because it "wasnt for girls" since it was "too short". I was panicked he would see to it that it would never be cut short again. I don't think I would be able to stand that. After all the nights I would stand in front of the mirror crying and wanting to yank it out... I do bind and pack at times and I am quite jealous of cis men and their bodies, but I can't shake the doubt that I wouldnt be completely happy if I was born bio male. So basically I'm a bit of a mess. I go from wondering if I'm a cis woman to nonbinary to trans man and doubt myself all the gosh darn time. I have considered and want to go to a gender therapist, but I dont think thats an option for a while knowing my parents. I think thats mostly it, if you made it this far thank you for reading and any insight would be helpful
Do you feel a need to identify as something specifically? This is something I'm struggling with myself, I was born a "she" but identify internally as male. But sometimes I think that maybe I'm both. Maybe some of us just don't need a title. We can just be us.
@RouxMunster thanks for replying! I actually hadn't considered that before. I do feel a need to identify some way, but that's mostly just so I can explain who I am to others easily. But in the end it doesn't really matter what people think.
I relate heavy to what your going through. I don't have a lot of advice myself but a little food for thought is to consider that gender expression & gender identity don't always have to match. At any rate you aren't alone in your feelings. (*hug*)
Hi CallingDuck, I totally agree with what the others above had said. I also think you nailed it on the head earlier when you said you maybe gender fluid. As far a "labels" go, that one is a pretty all-encompassing title that isn't too hard to live up to. I tried to explain to my wife that, part of being transgender is really internally searching for answers as to whom we are and why we are the way we are. Most cis gender people don't think like that in terms of gender. They just do what they do, or wear what they wear, and don't think twice about it. They may, from time to time, question their sexuality, but that isn't the same thing. They don't, for the most part, agonize over being perceived one way or the other or feeling one way or the other. The problem is, as you mentioned at the very beginning of your post, only you can figure out whom you are, and what gender you are. The best guide in that journey, I have found anyways, is a therapist that specializes in gender identity. I realize that living with your parents isn't going to make visiting that specific type of therapist very easily accomplished. So, in the meantime, this website is a wonderful place to express your feeling and ask some questions to others that maybe going through the same thing you are. Keeping in mind, we can advise you and describe for you our own personal experiences, but you may experience things completely different. So good luck!!! I hope that you find the answers to your questions soon!!!
I'm the same at times but I do feel like I would be happier if I transitioned in to a male. I'd be happy with my body completely as I don't really like that I have feminine parts on my body but then again I don't want to do something I regret down the line. I do want society to see me as a male and it's a horrible feeling when my voice, or body shape & face gives it away. I'd say your genderqueer but you can't be so sure about it, it takes time. You may never know. I'd say do what makes you happy in the end.
Thank you for all of your responses! I'll be thinking about them WindPaws: glad to hear I'm not alone! Hopefully we'll both figure things out eventually Onlyhuman33: thank you for your response, I needed to hear that. Fortunately I have a few friends I'll be able to talk to in addition to the members of this forum, once I get up the nerve KennedyM: I relate to what you wrote, if only some of the time. Best of luck!
