I feel I want to transition but I can't come to terms if I am transgender. I want society to see me as male, I want to feel more manly, act manly. I do dress manly & i tend to act it. I am a lesbian and have been in a relationship for 2 years nearly and my partner will support me. My mum has tried to get it in my head I'm not mentally stable for anything yet & I also have autism. But I know I could like myself more looking manly and everyone seeing me as a man. But I'm also scared if I transition and I won't even be able to recognise myself completely or I end up becoming more unconfident. I'm not strongly bothered about my down below area but I'd like to get rid of my breasts. They were never big anyway so I don't pay attention to them and I bind too. But I don't want to transition and still not feel like a man because I know I was born female. I feel nothing can change that and maybe I should accept it so I try and bury it. But also the gender clinic in my area (Nottingham, UK) they have bad reviews, apparently they make you stand in front of them naked to see how bad your dysphoria is & they try to tell you your not manly enough or don't dress manly enough. And people don't get the support or help they need & also the waiting list can be up to 3 years. So I know it can give me time to think about everything if my GP refers me but if I do realise I could be trans they might put me down & I can't afford to go private. My head is confused & it could be years of waiting for nothing.
Hi KennedyM, a few words: You my love are the only person who can say who you are. It occurred to me while I was reading your post that you are seeming to let everybody from the clinic doctors, your mother, and your birth certificate decide that for you. Your gender is in YOUR head and how you want your body to be. Not other peoples.Nor does being born a girl define you for life. Only you Secondly...lol...I am fast learning that its ok to feel unsure...I myself feel unsure....and it is ok...its where you are now...and maybe you dont need a clearcut answer today. You complain about the time you have to wait...but wouldnt that be a good thing?...time to consider...?
I suppose, I know it gives me time to consider. I just don't want to be waiting 3 years to be told I'm not transgender because I tend to listen to others than understand and figure out who I really am.
I really doubt the GIC makes you expose yourself so try not to worry too much about that. The London GIC posted an FAQ document that dispels myths which I'm sure are Chinese whispers in the first place. You seem extremely high functioning and must be low on the spectrum? However, with autism, anxiety usually comes. My brother is autistic and suffers terribly with anxiety (he's quite high on the spectrum). Try and focus on the meaning of the word transition - it's in stages and can take as long as you want it to. It will not be easy, I've had to reconcile that in my head but it CAN be done. Heed your mum's advice because she will know you better than anyone, but measure where you are with things in your head. What do you feel ready for and perhaps put a plan on paper. It will take quite a while to be seen by the clinic anyway so you have plenty of time to work things through. Write your plan in stages, almost like a wish list and discuss it with your loved ones to see how they can support you. I love nothing more than a plan and in a way, knowing what's coming next might help with the autism? At the moment, you're in a place where a million and one thoughts are firing in your head and you're finding a lot of anguish in the fact that none of it has a difinitive answer. I'm certain every trans person goes through this. So, my advice would be: write the plan, continue talking to your loved ones about support and figure out what helps you calm your thoughts (sticking some aftershave on and parading round the lounge in your boxers or hitting the gym or buying some new men's clothes). Taking your mind off the anxious thoughts about the transition is important because your mind needs the time off to recharge and make sense of it all in its own way. You'll be fine mate, and just know that you are not alone in how you feel.
No worries. Everything you've written is completely valid and you aren't alone in how you're thinking and feeling. It's unchartered territory after all. In my head, I've done my worrying bit about how it all hangs together (for the most part!) and now I'm working out the stages of transition when the time comes. The in my head bit and real life is the big question isn't; how does to translate who I am in my head to the real world with minimal impact.
I spoke to a normal therapist today they want me to see the gender clinic and talk about it all with them. I'm the same it's like I can't say I'm a man until I actually see myself as one but it's all scary too because you need to show everyone you are a man. I feel it's exciting to transition I really want it just full of doubts and everyone else's views on it. I tend to not care what people think I just don't want to put myself in an even worse position.
