I don't know what to do. I'm at a complete loss as far as my identity goes. I know if I was born a cis-male, I would be perfectly content, but I'm not, and I know I don't want to be female, but I don't really want to be male either. Or, I guess, I don't want to become male. And it's like, okay, that doesn't sound too bad, you're just nonbinary, blah blah blah, and I know. I know I'm nonbinary. But I'm panicking because I hate my body, and I don't know what I want to do about it. My entire future past the age of twenty is completely black; when I try to imagine my life, I see nothing. I'm severely depressed and dealing with a load of other mental health issues as well, and I have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. (Thank goodness I'm not impulsive...) Help.
Hey Hey, Im kind of going through the same thing right now except I don't necessarily not want to be female. What is it that you don't like about your body? Im new to this so Im just trying to hear other peoples experiences. I know this is a scary time but try not to think about the future so much right now. I know its easier said than done, but you have to focus on how you are feeling now.
The only things I absolutely hate are my hips and chest, the size of my thighs, and that crap that my internal organs like to do once a month. Everything else is either neutral or eh, if I could magically change it I would, but otherwise I wouldn't really bother. My voice is somewhere between androgynous and distinctly male, and I have a relatively masculine face (bushy eyebrows of doom :u), so those are good, at least.
Yeah I feel the same way about my body sometimes and I wonder if I would be able to achieve an appearance I felt comfortable with through exercise, so I think I will give it a shot. Ive been looking around on the internet and have found a few different things about androgynous people and genderqueer people who experience body and gender dysphoria and that was a little helpful for me. There are even nonbinary people who get top surgery but do not transition. For me to hide my hips I wear T-Shirts that are a little larger and wear a sports bra to hide my chest. You can even try looking into purchasing a binder
What else is going on in your life other than gender issues? You mentioned feeling suicidal? Have you talked to anyone about that?
I've told my parents and I've seen nearly a dozen people about it and my other issues these past few years. Anxiety, severe derealization/depersonalization, OCD, possible ASD... the list goes on and on. I can't even remember all the others off the top of my head. Those are only the main ones.
First off, I'm sorry all that is happening. What do you think is causing all of these things? Is school going okay? Do you have any hobbies or things you like to do for fun?
I really have no idea why all this is happening. Bad genes, something about how I was raised, whatever. That's one of the things I'm trying to understand by going to counsellors and stuff. School is, to put it bluntly, terrible. I'm not even sure how I passed this year, or why. I've learned absolutely nothing and most of my grades were either incompletes or C-minuses, the lowest you can get where I live. Er, hobbies... I enjoy writing and drawing. I just desperately want to figure out how I feel about my gender and what I want to do about it, so I can at least have one less problem to deal with.
Okay, well you said you hate your body, but you don't really want to become male. Do you think the issue is just a physical health or cosmetic issue then? Are you very self conscious? When do these feelings happen?
I know I get incredibly sad and uncomfortable when others perceive me as female, so I don't think it's just a cosmetic thing. These feelings happen pretty frequently and have been nearly all I focus on for roughly the past year, when I first started noticing them.
Yeah. Same with my birth name. Only my current counsellor (who sadly was only filling in for someone else and I won't be seeing more of) and my friends online actually refer to me the way I'd like to be, so it's easy to become frustrated.
Wanting to BE male but not BECOME male isn't exactly uncommon for transguys (or transgirls but the other way around) fyi. That is actually probably the majority of us. Being trans is a pain in the ass, no one WANTS to be trans. We just want to be the gender our brain tells us we are. That is what makes us trans. If you are trans, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to transition physically, but if your physical dysphoria keeps up or gets worse maybe that should be something you really consider. How long have you been experiencing dysphoria? And I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. You're not alone though. We've all had these feelings, and a lot of us still have these feelings every day. This forum helps a lot.
Yep. Thank you for the explanation, Patrick! I'm sure I've felt some level of dysphoria before, but I only really started noticing it about a year ago... and ever since then, it just seems to be getting stronger. (Or maybe I'm imagining it? I don't know.) Both my physical and social dysphoria are relatively bad, but I feel like most days the social dysphoria is worse, like I might not mind a "female" body if people still consistently saw me as something other than a girl, although I realize this is probably pretty common in transfolk as well. ><
