As of recently I have been experiencing what i believe to be Gender Dysphoria and have been having obsessive thoughts over whether I am trans or not because of this dysphoria (I am working with a therapist and she believes I have OCD). I started dressing like a tom boy about 5 years ago and consider myself to be Androgynous and there was never a time in which I experienced dysphoria until I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend; to sum up a long story, there were major intimacy issues in our relationship (she would deny my sexual advances and almost never advanced me sexually) which lead me to believe she wanted to be with a guy (she said she was bi but that wasn't and shouldn't be a problem, the lack of sex was). I can remember becoming jealous of the guys around me because thats what I felt she wanted, and I felt inadequate. I didn't ever have the thought "wow I wish I could grow a penis" but felt my lady parts and appearance were inadequate and that if I had one these relationship problems would be fixed. I consider myself an attractive human but started to feel really ugly, but didn't know just what I didn't like about myself. I would get so frustrated looking in the mirror but couldn't pinpoint why but now I can see it was probably due to the relationship. Once the relationship ended (4 year ordeal) those feelings went away but recently have come back and were triggered by a dream I had about being a man (which I didn't necessarily hate but it scared me). I have a history of having obsessive thoughts (from the time I was just a kid), and I literally cant stop thinking about this. I have always been more on the tomboy side, even when I was little but went through a girly phase and became more tomboy after coming out. I don't really feel like a man, but I also don't really feel like a woman (there are times I go through when I feel womanly). I don't hate my boobs but would be okay without them. Ive never had any issues with my vagina or periods etc. I think my main problem is my hips (I wish they looked more androgynous, not so much manly). So you can see these feelings are very neutral. I cant really pinpoint what is going on here. I think I may be stuck in between? I don't necessarily have a problem with pronouns either, sometimes I don't like it when someone calls me pretty but usually it doesn't bother me. At this point I sort of feel like an alien- I have a serious history of anxiety and I am completely on edge when these thoughts run through my mind (which is a lot because I am obsessing over them constantly, looking for reassurance). I am pretty much freaking out over this and trying to remain calm and feel really unconnected with myself and the world right now. Anyways, Im just looking for some input and to see if maybe someone is also experiencing this.
It's difficult to say, really. I mean, I knew I was trans for a while before I had this one particular relationship but in the aftermath of it I was finally able to tell myself, "Okay, you are trans" and accept it and embrace it rather than try to deny it or explain it away. I actually learned a lot from that partner where things really clicked. So that's kind of similar. I really think speaking to an experienced therapist would help you explore and work through these feelings. You might be gender fluid or somewhere along the trans spectrum but it wouldn't necessarily mean you have to transition physically. Yeah, that might eventually be an option but right now you should keep talking this out and exploring it to see if it's leading in that direction or not. The initial stages can be really confusing and self-doubting. It's a positive step that you're bringing it up here to get feedback. The main thing is finding a space within gender that makes you feel comfortable, that fits you and not to try to fit yourself to it. A lot of people here have really helpful experiences, too. I think you'll get a LOT of great feedback that will help you. Also just know it's natural to feel kind of freaked out when start realizing you have these feelings. You're not doing anything wrong and you don't owe anyone but yourself anything. You're just on the journey to finding out who you are. It may be just a result of that relationship and dealing with the feelings of loss and inadequacy losing someone like that almost always brings. But it could be more. I hope you can find a way to enjoy exploring this. Wherever it brings you it can be a very self-actualizing adventure.
Thank you so much for your reply and input. I am just struggling to figure out who I am right now and it scares the shit out of me. There are days when I like how I look and others when I feel frustrated because I don't like my appearance and cant pinpoint just what it is i don't like and the issues with my appearance kind of sent me down a path of "well why don't you like your appearance? Maybe you are trans or not androgynous looking enough? or Maybe you are just self conscious in general etc." not sure if that makes sense but yeah. Im seeing a therapist currently for OCD related issues but Im assuming I should probably try a Gender Therapist?
