So first things first, my brain is a strange thing and I don't get it. So from a young age I wanted change, probably about the first to half way through the fifth grade. At that point I thought "this can't be normal, I am not a girl, why do I want to be one?" That thought made me kinda hide those thoughts, burry them. I hide them for years, so much so that I kinda forgot them. Fast forward about 10+years and I'm in the military now after the repeal of don't ask don't tell. I have a bi friend in the service, and I start to realize that I would be ok with being with him. But my brain wouldn't let me go through with it, any time I tried to initiate something I just couldn't go through with it. I wasn't sure why I couldn't do it until a year or so later when it kinda clicked. I couldn't do it due to the fact that I was a man. Part of that is probably because of my parents being so republican and religious and from a young age kinda giving me the idea that marriage is purely between a man and a woman. Despite knowing that it is socially acceptable now for anyone to get married to anyone I just can't do it. Now I realize that some will say that I just need to accept it, and that a relationship between a man and a man is a simple, and accepted thing nowadays. I know that, but that doesn't change the fact that my brain won't let me pursue a relationship with a man unless I am a woman. Others will say that I would be doing this for the wrong reasons, but those aren't the only reasons. I want to become a woman because I want to. I have lived my entire life as a man with my feminine desires hidden deep, so much so that I am ok with living as a man, however, that doesn't mean that I want to. I've kinda been jealous of women my entire life, the clothes, the hair, the really just everything, to include the not so nice aspects. While I know that I will never be able to experience some aspects of womanhood, and that does bum me out, I will get to experience the rest and I'm ok with that. I guess, more or less why I even wrote this out for is to just explain myself in the fullest extent to someone, despite not knowing anyone on here. It's amazing what the anonymity of the Internet does for socially awkward and shy people like me. If you made it this far, thank you. Even if you feel anger towards me because you feel that I don't belong and I'm invading your group, thank you and I love you and I wish I could give you a hug.
Why do you think you are having that conflict? You say your brain is telling you that you can't be with a man unless you are a woman. But isn't your brain telling you that you are female? Or do you question that?
I kind of relate to this, but not because of stigma against gay relationships. I've always known that I liked men, but I never experienced any desire to actually be in a relationship. After puberty hit (12 for me, ugh) my desire to do anything with a boy plummeted hard. I didn't want to hold hands, I didn't want to hug, I didn't want to even be told I was liked. It wasn't until I realised I was trans (began questioning at 14, began identifying as male at 15) that it changed. Once I started presenting as male, it made me happy to be told that someone felt attraction to me, and when I did get a boyfriend I liked to cuddle and kiss him. I've reflected on why this is a lot, and I believe the reason is because I feel like for me, personally, I don't think someone male could fully understand me if I were female. We weren't the same, so in my head that meant that you couldn't know the person COMPLETELY because they were different. I felt like only someone female could understand someone female in a more spiritual sense (which is why I was so confused that I didn't seem to understand my female friends but could understand my male friends), and I didn't see the point of being with someone who didn't understand me utterly and completely. Once I accepted myself as male, I felt like it made sense now, and my bias flipped. Now, though, after recognising my attraction to female and NB people I am open to the idea of a relationship with anyone as long as our personalities get along - I don't think I'd be able to be with someone super ultra feminine. :lol:
Well that's the thing, I'm getting both signals from my brain. Go through with it and become a woman, as well as you don't need to, you can stay a man. It's not much, but I have a few pairs of panties, and one time when my parents were out of town I wore one of my moms skirts and it all just feels so right. But the other half of my brain, while ok with the clothes, is saying you don't have to go all the way. I know the second half of my brain is just as correct as the first. I know I could stay a man, as much as I don't want to, I could.
You seem to separate your desires and your reality and create some sort of *SPLIT* between the two, hence you call it "The other side of your brain". Try meshing the two, slowly ease into it, find therapy, try new things and if the shoe fits the *SPLIT* should go away. Relationships are always tricky, however that should come after your mental well being. -gl!
Have you considered that you might be bigender? I think there is a tendency in terms of being trans that you have to transition if you don't feel 100% male, but you don't have to. It's not necessarily a requirement, or a prerequisite.
It is entirely possible that is the case and I just haven't explored that option. That being said I want to go through with all aspects of transitioning. Almost nothing in the world would make me happier than to go through with it.
Figure that I should follow up with some more information. I don't hate my entire body, but I also don't like my entire body. Parts I hate, some I'm ok with, and others I love. I hate being so hairy, it's disgusting, not attractive and ugly. My big man feet I hate, I will have to wear a size 12 in women's shoes...damn you hobbit feet. My male plumbing I dislike, gets in the way of things, makes things uncomfortable, as well as other things. I am also fat, I like food, so I have boobs, not very big, mmmmmmmmaybe, if I'm lucky, b cup...I LOVE them. I love having a pair of boobs, even if they are on the small side. I don't quite know if this might fall under dysphoria, I'm still a little new to the community as a whole and as such a lot of, if not most of the terminology is just gibberish to me. All I know is that I either just passing dislike or hate the masculine parts of my body, and I absolutely love the feminine party
