In my attempts to understand whether I'm trans or not I've often doubted myself. It's hard to say "I'm female inside" when the mirror is saying something different. There have been a couple of times recently though while dressing up I've looked in the mirror and I glance up at the bra I'm wearing and for a moment I think I have breasts. It's my eyes playing tricks on me, but for a split second I think my body has changed and I really have breasts. This is usually followed by a strange tangle of emotions. Excitement. Relief. But still there is a certain amount of confusion. In that moment I feel correct, but it fades as reality sets in and just as quickly as I thought "My body has changed." I think "Yeah, nice try. You're still a guy. In a dress. Weirdo." This makes me wonder something. How can we know what we haven't experienced? Is the reason so many trans people are perpetually doubting themselves is that they've never been what their brain is saying they are? Is it like someone who is born without an arm and is just used to it, but then sees themselves with two arms in the mirror and for a moment their brain goes "Yeah, that's right." Is this the source of so much trans confusion?
I felt a phantom chest, didn't like male parts, couldn't live with testosterone in my body or male parts, felt debilitated and had to switch. At most I wonder about the 'what if life', but I'm trans and I believe it's biological and ingrained. Changing things was corrective, felt as such since young (5 or so atleast) and not based on expression. I cannot say for others but each day since puberty I felt like I was dying and while I tried to live my life to the grave I could not for the body did not want to last as it did not feel right for the run.
