hey, First of all. I'm dutch. So my english isn't the best. i'm very confused about my gender etc. I'm born female. But ever since I was a little kid I felt more connected with the guys. I played with most 'boy toys' than 'girl toys'. My mom let me play with whatever I wanted. I never wanted to wear dresses and typical girl clothes since a very young age. My mom stopped trying after a while. And just let me wear whatever I wanted to wear. I'm very happy with that. I remember being in the shower at age 7/8 and, maybe it sound weird, but i thought my penis got cut off? But since was told I was a girl. I didn't really think much about it. And just continued being me. But then puberty started and I hated it. Growing boobs was the worst. Because I had to wear a bra and i hated that. So i didn't wore one for a few years even tho i actually had to. I hated Gym at school because I had to change with the girl. They would notice that I wasn't wearing a bra. So they kept telling me to finally wear one. So later I did. I always wanted to change somewhere in a corner so not everybody could see me. When I was 12, I had my first crush on a girl. And I hated it. So I just tried to forget about it. And kept continuing that. Everytime I had a crush on a girl. I just tried to forget about her and told no one. I lived in germany from age 10 til age 15 and was bullied most of the time. Mostly because I was different from the other girls. I wasn't wearing make up and just didn't like the stuff the girls were talking about. So people started rumors about me. I hanged out more with the guys. But my problem was that whenever I was close with a guy. He either got a crush on me or he got a girlfriend and his girlfriend didn't wanted us to hang out anymore. Because of the Bullying and me don't liking my body, I started harming my self and didn't eat that much. Sometimes I wouldn't eat for days or would throw up after a meal. When I was 15, almost 16, we moved back to the Netherlands. They were very accepting over there and I got friend. Which I couldn't believe at first. After a while I started eating a bit more. Well I didn't eat that much you actually have to. But it was more and better than I used to. But since I was underweight and wasn't used to eating 2 meals a day. I gained weight. i'm 18 now and my chest got bigger. So are my hips. And I hate it. I haven't go to a swimming pool since I was 11. I don't like people seeing my body. Touching my body is even worse. That's why I never really go to the doctor whenever have something. I have some problems with my leg/hip. Which is getting worse and sometimes I can't even walk on it. I know I have to go to the doctor, But I don't want to, because that means the doctor has to touch me and I have to put off my pants. The only body parts people are allowed to touch are my arms. Nothing else. I still hate shopping clothes because every time I look at the boys section and see so many clothes I would like to have. At the girls section I never liked anything. I always had arguments with my mom, whenever we were looking for clothes. Because I didn't wanted to try things on. Now I'm 18 and i'm out as a lesbian for some of my friends. Even tho I don't like the word lesbian. Because it sounds so feminine? But my mom asked me a few times if I wanted to be a boy. Since i'm embarrassed about it. I just laughed and said nah. But actually I just don't know. I know she will accept me. But I'm just really scared. i'm scared I'm going to regret things or that people will start bullying me again. I'm still going to school and it just seems weird if I go back to school with a new name and stuff. Because everyone knows me with the name I was born with. Also i'm just not sure. Because somehow I don't wanna be a very strong big man. But I wanna have a flat chest and I hate my hips. Also a deeper voice would be cool. But i don't know. I just really do not know what I want. Sometimes I think i'm just a masculine lesbian. But other times I'm sure I want to be a boy. Also i don't like the fact that if I go in transition, that I'm so late. And can't grow up with the other boys. Because the boys my age are man already. But I don't wanna be a man yet. I want to be a boy. I feel like I haven't lived my childhood and teenage years. And really want to redo those. But as a boy. But I can't. i'm just not sure what I'am and what I want. I just don't know. Anyone who could help me or give advice?
Mhm, you sound a lot like myself just vice versa. You sound like you could be trans, and it's not too late at all though I get what you mean. But, you should look at the future, would you be happier living as a male? If so, then I believe that is whats best for you. Because, it won't get any better going forward the other way around. I would try to seek out a gender therapist, they will be able to help you out a lot. Good luck!
From reading, it does sound like you may be trans. As Valkari said it may be worth seeing a gender therapist to work through how you feel. You say how you don't want to be a 'very strong big man', but that's ok - not every man is big and strong! You mentioned how sometimes you think you're a masculine lesbian, but other times you're sure you want to be a man. It's good that you are able to notice the swings back and forth in how you feel, if there are fluctuations. There is no pressure to decide either way - no hurry at all - and I would say to just take your time with it? I know it's horrible, the idea that you will have missed living your childhood and teenage years with your male body. You may have a lot of grief over this if you do transition once these times have passed. But on the plus side you will hopefully have a long fulfilling adult life in your male body if that is what you decide you want, so that is something to look forward to. As for going back to school and bullying... You are 18? Does that mean you will finish school soon? I know it feels horrible to live a lie and have to wait, but sometimes it can be worth waiting until finishing school to begin changes. I did not come out until I started at university, because I know that people at school would have been horrible, but everyone at university was so accepting and open-minded and supportive. I felt like sometimes I would burst when I was holding it in in school, but I am now happy that I waited, because it meant that coming out was something positive rather than tainted by bad reactions from horrible people around me. BUT equally if it is very distressing for you to hold this in do not hesitate to come out and make these transitions to using a new name and pronouns whilst at school. If it will make you happier within yourself, do it. After all, if people have a problem with it then they are not worth your time - they are horrible people. Do whatever makes you feel good, whether that be taking steps now or later. I hope everything goes well for you
You sound like you could be trans to me. 18 is definitely not too old to transition, in fact the majority of people under the age of 18 get told "you're too young for this decision!" so you're definitely not alone. I did the same as CamN15, I didn't tell people at school (except my counsellors, who were able to get me out of gym and other gender-segregated classes due to the effect on my mental health) and then when I started uni last year I went in as a man with my chosen name. I've never actually told people I'm trans, I prefer to be stealth - if I'm misgendered, I just tell them that I'm not a girl in a voice that suggests mistaking me for a girl is ridiculous. Has worked 99% of the time, I've only had a couple of people respond in a negative way but witty responses make them back off. I also relate with what you said about wishing you could have a male childhood. I don't think of myself as a man, really, I feel like I SHOULD be a lot younger. And trust me, you don't need to be super masculine in order to be trans. I'm definitely not, and I'm sure we're not the only ones. :lol:
