Hi. I'm a very in the closet male in my mid 30s, and have never really had any kind of conversation with someone, even anonymously, about this. But I wanted to see if people had similar experiences etc. Recently, I've started crossdressing when I get the chance (basically, at times when I'm at home and my flatmate is not around). It just feels so much more relaxed and comfortable and I feel much less stressed about the problems I have admitting/acting on the fact I am gay (which I have never done) - like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. But despite that, a couple of times I've thrown out my clothes before later replacing them. I was just wondering if anyone had felt a similar way. Basically, I am just looking to understand myself a bit more as it's all very new and I'm trying to work through a lot of problems with myself and sexuality that are occupying more and more of my thoughts and really having a negative impact on my life. Hope that makes sense. All help much appreciated.
So you think the crossdressing is alleviating the anxiety of being gay? Do you mean like, if you were a woman then having sexual thoughts about a man wouldn't be a big deal? If the clothes make you feel more comfortable why do you throw them out only to replace them? Are you afraid that you will out yourself? Have you ever thought about going to see a therapist over these issues? If you're having trouble admitting you are gay that might be a good place to start.
Starting this conversation is a good first step. You have to have this conversation with yourself and at the same time with others. A therapist would be a good choice, too. Other than that, it seems like crossdressing is a great stress reliever for you. You should just enjoy it as much as possible.
That's a difficult one to answer and something I'm thinking a lot about. It doesn't feel quite as explicit as being in terms of the sexuality thing, more just that much of the time I feel very uncomfortable with what I am and my shoulders feel like they have much less weight on them when dressed and going about normal tasks. I'm Just trying to understand why. I am afraid of outing myself, although in this case the getting rid of clothes is more just the feeling that it is wrong to do it. I know it isn't wrong in my mind, but just want to destroy that side of myself sometimes. You are absolutely right about needing some therapy. Some people on here have been really helpful with advice and I am currently trying to build up to seeking some help. I am Ashamed to admit I keep having a bad time every time I try to set up an appointment or get in touch with any organization offering such therapy. Advice from people like yourself here had really been helping me, so thanks very much. It gives me things to think about. ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2016 at 02:09 PM ---------- It certainly does relieve stress and make me feel much more at ease. I certainly enjoy it! The therapy step is one I need to take, I just have to find a way to do it.
So you throw away the clothes because you think dressing in them is wrong? Do you mean morally wrong? Do you mean wrong for you personally? Why do you want to destroy that side of you if it makes you feel better? In terms of contacting a therapist I know that''s a big move. Just take your time with it. Not forever of course, but just move in baby steps. Find a couple of gender/sexuality specialized therapists. Later on read their websites. In a couple days pick a couple you think might work. A couple days after that call one up and talk to them. It's okay to feel afraid. I think we all feel that way. Just relax and be yourself.
When I get rid of them it's when I'm feeling most bad about myself. While I feel like I've accepted what I am, I find it impossible to tell anyone and have panic symptoms when I do. While I know that it's not morally wrong to crossdress or to be gay, it's like there's some small part of me that just won't allow me to be. I don't want to destroy that side of me, as it is basically me. I feel it's right for my personality and crossdressing just makes me feel far more at peace with myself. The rest of the time, my sexuality and problems with it are increasingly on my mind and it's becoming more and more of a problem dealing with the fact that I feel like I know what I am, but not being able to act on it in any way. I do feel therapy is the way and I'll try the approach you suggest. I've identified some therapists that do specialise. Right now, I'm just struggling to understand myself and to get over what feels like an unclimbable wall between where I am now and where I need to be. I feel like I know what I should be doing, I just can't seem to do it. Ashamed that I can't but I'm getting desperate because these things are occupying more and more of my thoughts, it's damaging things like sleep and just always on my mind. I guess that's maybe why I sometimes try to get rid of that side of myself and stop dressing and try not to be gay - just to make these problems stop and give myself some peace.
