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TOCD or denial?? Help!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by brittvj16, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. brittvj16

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    I am 6 weeks post partum and was diagnosed with OCD (intrusive thoughts) about w week ago. I had harm OCD and then a few nights ago my boyfriend was showing me a video of a transgender girl who was 14 and I started getting thoughts like "what if I'm transgender" it has caused me so much anxiety. I have always been happy being a girl and doing girly things like getting my nails and hair done, makeup, wearing heels, etc and have always been comfortable with my lady parts. I have never before questioned my gender. Now these thoughts are giving me anxiety and j try to picture myself as a guy and it just seems weird but then again I feel confused. I know OCD can do that to you and make you believe the thoughts, as it did with my previous obsessive theme. But it just feels so real sometimes. I love my life and being a girl and j just want it to go back to the way it was without these thoughts :frowning2: is this my OCD or am I in denial?

    Btw: I have nothing against transgender people I just have never pictured it for myself and it would turn the life I love upside down.
     
  2. SystemGlitch

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    The fact that you feel comfortable with your body and "being a girl" along with no desire to be treated as or have the body of a boy suggests to me that you're not trans. If you haven't got dysphoria and don't experience any relief by seeing yourself as male, and moreso if imagining yourself as a man confuses you and doesn't make sense, it's likely that you don't have any mismatch between your gender identity and your assigned gender, meaning you're probably cis. Gender expression has nothing to do with gender identity, so the bit about you liking feminine things is irrelevant, though.

    Hope this helps. (*hug*)
     
  3. Anthemic

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    I think your OCD is convincing you that you want to be Transgender. OCD can do that. If you know you feel comfortable with the gender you are, then you are. I suffered with OCD like this for years. I never questioned my gender, but it would make me question other things, like reality. It's a pretty scary thing.

    I am now handling my OCD very well with Lexapro. The thoughts only partially exist. When they do come into my mind, it's extremely easy for me to push them away without a second thought.

    You just watched something, and your OCD put that thought into your head. I used to watch horror movies, and my OCD would make me think I wanted those things to happen. I used to have horrible panic attacks about it. But I realized that, if I'm really this upset about it, then I obviously don't want it to happen.
     
    #3 Anthemic, Aug 30, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2016
  4. brittvj16

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    Thank you.

    Would I have questioned my gender before if I really wanted to be a man? I'm sorry I'm just super confused by this. I have anxiety when j think about it but that isn't as bad as it was when I first had the thought. So now I'm scared that it really may be what I want. But then I picture myself as is and I have always been happy this way and never questioned it before. Ugh.
     
  5. SystemGlitch

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    You wouldn't necessarily have already questioned it, especially if you'd never really thought about trans people before. But there would more than likely have been a feeling of malease about being female, discomfort with the female parts of your body/being treated as female in society, and/or a feeling that you aren't really yourself. If you were a transman, those feelings would normally be disappated by presenting as male (or just in a less feminine way) or recognising yourself as male, which instead you said makes you uncomfortable. That rules out being FTM. And considering you're so comfortable with yourself as you are now and have no desire to change how you are now, I'd say that rules out other gender identities as well.

    If you have a therapist (preferably an LGBT friendly one, since you'd want honest opinions without bias) I'd discuss this with them. I'm pretty sure it's just the OCD talking, but they would be able to help you a lot more directly than we can. :slight_smile:
     
  6. brittvj16

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    I keep looking at pictures of myself trying to picture then as male and I just can't do it. I like the way I look as a female, I mean of course there are some insecurities but they are things like weight, etc. and when I type out That "I'm a guy" or type my name as a male name its just weird. Would all of these things "feel right" if it's what I wanted? Sorry for all the questions.
     
  7. Anthemic

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    It would definitely feel right if you were really male. Since it feels weird, then you are not trans*.
     
  8. SystemGlitch

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    Agreed with Anthemic. Normally it would feel "natural" or "correct", but you're uncomfortable with it, so that suggests you aren't male. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Chip

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    I agree with what everyone else has said. I see no indication you're trans, and what you're feeling is likely an aspect of the OCD.

    Also, for the record, using terms like "TOCD" or "HOCD" is disrespectful to people with real OCD. There's no form of OCD that is *just* obsession about whether one is trans or gay, and that label is an excuse by the religious right for people who can't accept themselves.
     
  10. brittvj16

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    I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you. As far as my psychiatrist is concerns I do have "real OCD" just in the obsessive form. I guess I should have worded it has OCD about being transgender.