Hey, I don't think anyone will reply because this will just go under between all those other posts and I really have no idea why the hell I am even writing this for but why not huh? I don't really know how to go on anymore and why not just giving up. I hate it, I really hate how all this questions about myself fu*k my mind up. And I just can't make them stop. If I would have the choice to go back in time when I began researching all this gender and identity stuff or just let it be, I would have stopped myself from doing it. 'Cause now the thoughts litteraly kill my mind. And Depressions are there again and aren't making things better. Yeah, I'm just so tired of it all. Clothes don't define your gender and that's one of the problems. It would be so much easier if they would. I like wearing mens' clothes. But so I'm no man. It doesn't kill me wearing womens' clothing, but I'm no woman then. I'm not feeling anything or everything at all? It seems like I'm nothing but not even that is what it is. Because it's like genderfluid in a way. More like role-fluid. I'm changing to the role I'm exspected to. What my surroundings want me to be, and automatically I'm that. Just like that. I'm not born anything like Trans or Cis-people. When I'm wearing womens' things I'm feeling a bit like female like "cute" and "beautiful" and when I'm in the next moment taking it off I'm feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. Then I'm putting on mens' stuff and I'm feeling a bit male like "strong" and "cool". My best friends right now are FtM so I'm being a FtM because it's easier communicating this way. And what can I say, it's fun. I feel what they feel, wish what they wish. Like body disphoria pops up and I want a binder and packer and stuff like that. Want to make progress like them. When I'm a woman I like make-up and I want to look beautiful like my female friends want to look like. I like high heels, the higher the better. I like my boobs and walking with my hips so even some of my friends get jealous and that feels great. I do what they like to see. But I'm not genderfluid because to be that I have to BE a man or woman or agender or whatever. But I'm not seeing myself as being something. I also could behave like a fu*king cat and feel all sassy and wanting to role myself on a bed and enjoy hunting a moving leaf down. It's so fu'cked up that all, I don't know if I should vomit or dying from laughter. So right now with my FtM friends I want a binder like them, want top surgery and a going to a therapist but nothing of those things are possible right now and not possible in a year from now because of my family. And I don't think I can make it to one year from now. That's just like a inner feeling that knows I will be dead until then. It's not even a bad or shocking feeling. It's just...like it is. Like "yeah, and that'll be the end. That's just normal. That's just how life works and my end is then. Just like that. And it's good and well this way." I'm cutting, too. But that helps and I'm not doing it for attention. It just helps getting myself cooling down again. Not feeling any emotion again. I hate me being emotional about anything for real. I'm always faking emotions but real ones are bad and annoying and just not what I can let uncontrolled moving my tongue or behaviour. Respect if anyone have read it to this. But I think it will stay unread and so I just wrote it off of my skin. Not like it really helps but was worth a try, I guess. And maybe someone will read it and have some idea or support or a similar feeling or anything...ah, I saying sh*t again. Not like anyone would really care. And I'm talking to myself again, ain't I? Have a nice day! X.K.
Hey! So I don't actually have any ideas to help you out and I haven't experienced a similar feeling but I can at least give my support! I understand that you are going through a tough time and i can relate to your initial point about wishing that you had never researched too much into it to begin with...Sometimes life can get overwhelming so maybe try not to think about it as much (as awful ,unhelpful and impossible advice as that sounds) as at the end of the day your gender/sexuality doesn't define who you are so maybe focus more on what does (like hobbies) to take your mind off it??? Ahh sorry I am terrible with advice but i just wanted you to know that you have been heard! Have a great day!
Hey, thank you. You don't know how much it means to me that you replied. And your advice is not that bad, I really should focus more on my (not existing) hobbies. I really don't have one. I had started Basketball when we moved and now there's no friend in my reach anymore and not even a sports ground around to go play there. So all I do is watching movies or being on the internet. And over long or short I'm stucking on the subject I don't want to think about anymore again. Only cutting gets my mind off but I don't want to start getting adicted to it if I'm doing it too often. I really wish I'd have never started researching it. Thank you so much for your kind words! And have a nice evening! X.K.
Maybe you're just a crossdresser. It sounds like you get excited by putting on an identity. Or maybe you are indeed nonbinary. Nothing wrong with it either way and you have every right to explore!
You said a lot about how you feel when you wear certain things or are around certain people. It sounds like you're just thinking about what they would want or what you think you should do. I did that for a very long time and it sucked. Maybe you need to sit down and really think about what you want. Both related to gender and not. What would you want to be like if no one was around to see you? What do you want to do with your life? I wish I could be more help but I hope you find yourself soon (*hug*)
Hey, dude, it's okay. Questioning is okay. Maybe you're cis, more likely you're not. Take all the time you need to figure it out. There's no rush. (*hug*)
Thank you all! Hm, I think "excited" is not the right word...It's more like I enjoy feeling like a boy/girl/nothing/all etc. like you like eating cake. You enjoy eating cake. But I wouldn't say you're excited about eating cake. I'm not that good in examples but do you know what I mean? I talk a lot about how I feel wearing things because when I sit down and think about it and try to imagine what my perfect body/identity would be like - there's nothing. That's why I thought I'm agender but that's not the case. It's not like I feel nothing, it's more like I lack something. Do you know this deep empty feeling like having a big hole inside of you? That's what it feels like. And it's not good feeling. So maybe I'm trying to fill this hole with any gender by wearing clothes or behave in any different way I could think of. But it seems like nothing can fill this hole. Maybe that's what drives me crazy? It really is no good feeling and thinking about this makes the hole even more uncomfortable. When I try to imagine myself, I'm not existing. There's nothing. Not even nothing. Okay, that sounds crazy but it's true. And a bit hard to describe. I'm not expecting much from life. But my parents raised me to don't have any wishes or dreams or something like that, so it's a bit hard for me to tell. I don't want anything. No, I want to live. I don't want to starve, to be thirsty, to be in uncomfortable heat or freezing. That's really all I want and expect from life. Every other thing comes and goes. And that doesn't matter. I'm good without it and it's okay if it's there. Doesn't matter. Does anyone has a idea what I should search for?
Your last comment makes me think you may be suffering from depression. Could be gender related or not. Are you seeing a therapist or do you have any ability to go to one? I think that could really help you out.
Yes, I do have depressionens. It's my second time and I'm out of free will back to them, you could say. I'm no strong person and I need the walls Depression build around me to keep up with my dad and all those fights and lies and insults. I've no chance to see a therapist because I'm underage. Also I just started a volunteer-year and if I see a therapist my workplace would be informed. I'm working with coma patients and I really like it there. But to be there you aren't allowed to have psychical problems. And if my dad finds out that I'm not that strong like I seem to be then I'm a dead man. Not dead but then he would have another point where he could try his psycho-plays and this time he would knew that it works out. To see a therapist here you need to get a permission from your parents if you're underage and because the health insurance pays for it and my dad manages all the finances in our family...yeah, you can imagine. I have no contact with my mother. I don't see a chance to get help. But maybe you have an idea?
