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Need to ask...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Xey, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. Xey

    Xey
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    Note: its a long post, but for good reason...

    I already made a post in this section but I left out a few key things... and as I will soon explain why... I have no one else really to go to... I have been questioning if I am "actually Transgender" like a lot... I try to be logical and think critically about things... but when it comes to emotions its like im being slaped with a brick... because let face it... emotions are rarely logical... and whenever I think I am sure about one thing another thing just makes me doubt all over again... and I never really get anywhere... and to be quite honest I think im getting depressed due to it... im desperate for answers and I just cant seem to find them... just always out of reach... now I will stop rambling and get to the point... For a decent amount of time now I have been thinking I might be transgender... and theres a lot of reasons why... but last time I went indepth it was a chore to read such a massive wall of text.. so Ill spare you the nitty gritty and cut it short "or try to"... growing up I never fit in with guys... specifics would take a book so in short ive never really "been like" the typical guy, and often got along better with girls... it was like I could talk to them better.. more in common.. and without the feeling of needing to proove myself.. theres more to it than that but im trying to keep it short... Growing up I did take interest in some boyish things... I like video games... I like action movies... ect... but I also like shiny objects and jewelry... and I can appreciate a cool looking dress... I prefer longer hair... ect... yet again I could go deeper but you get the point... But anyways despite having a other wise very masculine build I have some female features... I saw these mentioned on another site so they might mean nothing but: my hips have always seems larger than usual... my index finger is not longer then my ring finger "actually shorter on my right hand", I can double cross my legs easily and trust me im not flexable at all... now that all may mean nothing but... who knows... but I can talk all day about little things but Ill just get right to my point.. I do feel I was born with the wrong body... I feel angry and even sad that I had to be born like "this" in terms of guys as far as I hear im rather good looking but it just looks wrong to me... I do have a decent case of Dysphoria... and its only getting worse... I have a overwhelming... intense feeling that if I could just snap my fingers and change my body.. I would do it in a heartbeat... I often think of myself as female and it makes me happy... then I realise thats not me... and Im stuck in this mistake called a body... So basically I have Dysphoria... have always felt different from guys... and many other things... but here is why I am struggling... though I never fit in... and my mindsets and actions have always been a tad different... I never recollect saying when I was a very young kid: Im not a boy im a girl in a guys body, I didnt even know what being trans was... but given its taken a while to connect the dots... and though it seems to make sense... then I read experiences... people knowing for sure at a extremely young age exactly what was happening... and simply put that was never me.. I didnt have such a sudden realization... and it just depresses me more... makes me think im not trans im just crazy... how can it take so long to connect the dots if it should be way more obvious? and makes me wonder if I am just being stupid.. and even if I changed it makes me wonder how I could tell myself I am a girl if it took so long to figure out "I am 16 currently" , that perhaps im just crazy after all... but I feel so heavily now it must mean something... this isnt a passing: maybe im somewhat feminine... its more of: I dont know who I am right now... and its on my mind all day and it keeps me up at night... I feeling like its only going to get worse and worse and if I cant find an answer I fear something might snap... So anyone... everyone reading this... Thoughts? also When I said I have no one to turn to... I talked more on it in another post but lets just cut it short by saying my family is Christian and extremely Anti-LGBT.. so seeing a gender therapist would require coming out... and I honestly fear what they would do if I did... I as an Atheist see their hate and reasonings as immoral and nonsense... but any arguement with them would lead to questions and likely I would have dug my own grave so to speak.. basically to wrap it up I feel strongly That I am trans and feel I should be female but I am struggling to overcome my doubts.. and other than silently fighting myself in my head any answers here are the most I can hope for right now... if anyone wants more details I can happily go indepth... but in general... Advice?
     
    #1 Xey, Aug 30, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2016
  2. PrettyInPink23

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    I may not be the best person to give for advice as I have just recently...I guess accepted that I am trans. That and I am a bit older and will be starting a job so my situation, while somewhat similar, is still different enough. That being said however, from what you have said it somewhat seems that you are.
     
  3. SkyWinter

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    Can you just go to a "general therapist" and then go from there to a gender therapist? They can't reveal anything about you, so maybe you can hopscotch from one to the other?
     
  4. Xey

    Xey
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    My issue with my doubt is largely due to the fact I have OCD (Not clinically diagnosed but its obvious the symptoms match), and I occasionally see stories of people who are OCD thinking their transgender... but instead of accepting that as an answer and being like: Oh, nevermind... it just made my Anxiety worse... because their stories are also not matching mine... it wasnt a matter of seeing something and out of the blue thinking: ok im trans now, it was more of a lot of little things leading to me making a realization... plus though my OCD can be bad at times.. and I mean REALLY BAD... its never made me ''invent feelings'' if anything its more like once I get a feeling if theres a doubt it just keeps repeating and repeating and repeating and ect... like I have NEVER been able to just look at the facts and be done with something... my mind makes me be in this constant state of: Are you sure? you should re think that, revisit that topic for the 90th time now, ect... my point is I have never, even with my at times really bad OCD ever invented a feeling, its only ever made me doubt things.. ''aka OCD making me think I might not be trans instead of making me think I am'' and this adds to the anxiety... Even if OCD was having even a minor role in some sort of delusion I know for a fact that cant be it... as I know what OCD feels like and many of these thoughts I am getting just dont make sense to be caused all by OCD.. like a OCD person having their OCD trick them into thinking their trans often says they feel anxiety or fear of actually being the opposite gender, but with me the thought brings relief... and they mention they are fine with their bodies.. but I am not... to again not make a book for a reply what I am trying to get at is the OCD is more of holding me back rather than making me think this way... I am really good at distinguishing whats me thinking something and whats just OCD talking, but it doesnt mean the doubts go away... but putting that aside I could potentially use the OCD as an excuse to try to see a therapist ''even if its just a normal one''.. issue is knowing my family it would likely be a Christian Therapist.. and the last thing I need is some religious person telling me ''praying will fix it'' or even worse telling me I am crazy, But even with all that aside... the question I am really trying to ask is: is it possible to be transgender, but not to realize it until later in life? and does realizing it later than others invalidate the feeling?
     
    #4 Xey, Aug 31, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
  5. Zoe Izumi

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    I realized that I'm trans just last year, I'm 26 now. when you realize it doesn't invalidate how you feel. I felt like, "omg so much of my life makes more sense now!" but knowing from being little would only be subconciously for me. Like, deep down I knew(wished almost daily to be a girl) but I was clueless on the surface as bullying and fear caused me to repress my "girly" side and take that much longer to truly find who I really am.
     
  6. MulticoloredSox

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    It's absolutely possible and doesn't invalidate the feeling at all. I'm also round your age and I didn't put things together until I was around 14/15 and even then I was in denial and trying to hide my feelings for quite some time. I never really thought about my gender when I was a little kid and it's only looking back that I see a couple things that point in the direction of me being trans. I also had (and still do occasionally) have times when I doubt my feelings but I think it's a normal thing to doubt yourself when it comes figuring out your identity. I would suggest that you just try to listen to your gut feeling and focus on the person you would want to be in the next few years and see where that gets you :slight_smile:
     
  7. Xey

    Xey
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    I feel this puts things into perspective a little better for me... Though I still have a lot to sort out this makes a lot make sense... Its like deep down I know I want to be Female... just after living for so long as a dude... its like: I want to be a girl... It feels and sounds right... but even though theres so many reasons for it... I get other doubts like.. If I am trans is there such a thing as "not trans enough" would my deep feeling of thinking im supposed to be a girl make me really a girl or would I just be some "delusional guy"... I know gender is completely up to me... what I feel I really am and supposed to be... but if I transitioned I also think I would be tom-boyish... aka I still like games and movies and some other guy like stuff... besides I like simple stuff... so I would probably not obcess over makeup for example lol, but I would likely do a tad more than a t-shirt and shorts lol, but really the question Im trying to also address.. is there such a thing as "not trans enough"? that still liking "some" boyish things makes it not count? basically the real second question I want to ask: Can you be transgender leaning towards female... with several female interests and desires and thoughts.. but still have some "guy like" thoughts and likes here and there?
     
    #7 Xey, Aug 31, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016