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Dear Beautiful LGBT People

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Foxfeather, Sep 2, 2016.

  1. Foxfeather

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    Dear Beautiful LGBT People,

    I was born a girl. I don't think "gender fluid" is the right word because I clearly undergo dysphoria. And even though I don't mind the idea of falling in love with a man (I'm pan romantic), even though I accept that maybe sex with a man might feel good, I don't ever want to subject myself to submission to a man in the bedroom. And sex between men and women is often focused on penetration. I just can't do it. I'll feel like I got fucked and fucked over. So the best way to describe me right now is homosexual, homoromantic. I'm scared of what'll happen if I go through with living my life as a lesbian, but I need to be honest with myself.

    That said, maybe I haven't been honest with myself. I shaved my head before. It felt good, the way a cool breeze feels good on a hot day. It felt free.
    But when I looked in the mirror or when others looked at me, I felt ugly, ugly, ugly. Feeling is not the same thing as seeing. And humans are shallow creatures.

    Men told me to grow out my hair. Women told me to grow out my hair. Family told me to grow out my hair. I told myself to grow out my hair.

    My hair is longer and, frankly, beautiful. Last night I had a horrible bout of dysphoria, where I was considering cutting it all off again.

    I don't want to transition. I want to have been born male, with all the functioning parts. I want women to look at me and think, "This is someone who I can see myself with."

    But I'm a dyke in hiding. Or a man in hiding. Nothing feels right at any hair length, in any clothes. I don't want to present myself as male. I wish I were already seen as male.

    I've given up on thoughts of transitioning (though those were serious, they were never truly a question because it's personally a waste of money for non-functional parts). I still dream of loving a woman openly.

    Please, beautiful LGBT people. I hope that when you see me in my long hair and the red lipstick on my frowning lips, you won't mark me as straight and ignore me. I'm just as gay as you are, just as lost and unable to fit in anywhere as you are. I've made myself invisible to help keep my sanity and to ease my dysphoria, but behind the hair that I hide behind, I'm wounded and I'm hurt and I just need someone to understand the reasons why I'm doing this.

    Someday, I will marry a woman who will allow me to love her in bed as a man does. But I'll never undergo transition because even full manhood isn't a perfect representation of my masculine-feminine gender identity. Maybe she'll get me to open up. Maybe she'll get me to tell the truth to her.
     
  2. Hint

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    Oh wow, that sucks.
    You're worried that people will think they understand, and not actually understand, right? That they can go as far as not being intolerant of trans, and miss the fact that that's not exactly what you are/what you are dealing with?
    And, wait, wait, lemme guess: You're afraid to tell LGBT-friendly people of all people, because you're afraid they of all people won't understand correctly, afraid that even they who were supposed to understand, who specializd in this, still wouldn't have it right, right?
    Holy shit, that's a lot worse than what I have.


    I just identify gender-wise as a girl, and identify anatomically as having both male and female sexual 'parts' below the belt loop, despite having a male body-- and having been raised as a boy rather than a girl.
    Although, I do have a lot of non-gender-identity-related emotinal damage/issues, so that probably balances it out.


    I'm glad you're talking about this.
    My advice to you is to not just wait, that while it's important to be patient, you shouldn't wait around for the right person to come into your Life-- to understand you correctly-- just to take steps to try to better ensure that you are understood correctly, or that you can at least be a little bit more uncomfortable in dealing with the inside/outside gender/biology mismatch.


    Don't shave your head out of dysphoria.
    If you identify more as masculine, and want short hair for that, do it for being closer to what you identify as, not out of rage and frustration...


    Also, don't bother trying to correct people on 'pronouns' or whatever, because anyone who doesn't understand already, can never be one of those kinds of people you're looking for, that you need in your Life.
    Sorry to sound so negative, but the point is, only you can do you right, and in fact sometimes even you yourself can't get yourself right, so don't sweat it.
    As for the 'penetration' thing... no. You should not have to live in fear of ever being with a man just because of what the sexual portion of the relationship would probably involve getting into. From what you're describing, I can't tell whether you're afriad of vaginal penetration, as if the man you're doing will take it too rough and it'll have to be him dominating you just to be doing vaginal, or if you just aren't into that and don't want to have sex that way. Which is it? I'm sorry to not be understanding you well, but I don't see 'vaginal penetration' as inherently an act of domination over the one being penetrated. I see it more as 'giver versus reciever' or even more as 'penetrator versus receptor', but not as a D/S thing in the slightest. Hell, some women even describe it as 'enveloping versus being enveloped' and feel as if it makes them the 'dominating one' to be having a man penetrate them vaginally.
    It could be simply not being attracted or 'into' vaginal penetration, coupled with intense fears of being 'taken advantage of' if you ever do get into a sexual realtionship with a man.


    I actually have almost the exact opposite problem.
    I dread the thought, that, I will never get to experience being vaginally penetrated during sex-- that I will never feel vaginal intercourse correctly as a woman.


    You know, I read up on things like how the natural 'cum' fluid in a woman's vagina forms, and read up in other articles how SRS bottom surgery for MtF works (and how that has no such 'glands' or natural fluid production), and then I read up on how 'female ejaculation' works, and then I look up whether post-op trans women can experience and perform 'female ejaculation' (short answer: No), how women's vag'es can lift weights and guys' dicks can only just barely lift themselves, even how women's 'fluids' give them an acidid pH (about the same as wine, as I heard) whereas males' semen is basically pH neutral, same as water... forgive me for being focused on only one particular part of 'being a woman', but I'm not getting any pussy nor do I have one of my own, and they both hurt me pretty deep.
    You are blessed to have a vagina, and (I'm assuming) a healthy female figure, and I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat.
    If you don't identify as female at all, but instead male, then transition, dammit, at least those parts of FtM transitioning that would make things less uncomfortable/painful for you, and if you don't really identify as male but it's some other sort of issues instead, then, well, work on those instead.
    It just sounds as though you're well capable of finding & having a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship but are afraid to look for one, where as I have, again, pretty much the opposite problem; I want to experience what's out there, but I can't get to it.
     
  3. SystemGlitch

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    I'm very sorry that you feel you need to live in hiding. No one deserves that, but I can understand your reasoning behind it.

    Genderfluid people CAN experience dysphoria when they feel a shift to a different gender than their assigned gender. For example, an AMAB genderfluid person may not feel dysphoria when male, but may feel intense dysphoria when female. Another example, an AFAB genderfluid person may feel dysphoria all the time if they are fluid between androgyne and male. Judging from what you've said after this though, you don't come across as genderfluid - you seem more set on the idea that you are male. Are there other factors that affect how you feel about your gender that give you reason to believe you are genderfluid?

    If you aren't interested in sex with men, that is perfectly fine. There are plenty of people in the world who feel that way, and plenty of women who would be fine with accomodating your wishes of not being penetrated. If you do continue to live your life as a woman, I will say that being a lesbian, although more difficult than being straight, isn't the end of the line. Today's world is quite lenient on lesbian women, most of the time you will probably be read as close friends if you're out together. For some reason people find it easier to accept gay women than gay men, and I'm not entirely sure why this is... but you will definitely have life opportunities and a good life ahead of you, one that you can live happily with a female partner by your side.

    Just as a note, there are phalloplasty surgeries that will include a device in the penis that will allow you to get an erection - a pump in the testicles that inflates small balloons in the shaft, for example, is a popular one that can be discreetly used if your partner doesn't know your trans status. Another common one is a malleable rod inside the shaft that when bent causes the penis to act like a biological flacid penis and when straightened is very firm and won't go anywhere until you want it to. Most phalloplasty surgeries also allow for urination through the penis. Many people still have sensation in the shaft, though not necessarily all the way to the top, and can orgasm from stimulation to the shaft. About the only difference is that it doesn't ejaculate, which some cismen can't do either.

    Transitioning doesn't have to mean surgery, though. Transitioning can mean anything from accepting who you are in your own mind, disclosing who you are to close friends, changing your presentation, disclosing to all family and friends, changing your pronouns and name, hormones, surgery... you don't NEED to do all or even any of these steps, but the simple ones can help make you more comfortable and less lost in yourself. Not getting SRS or HRT doesn't make you less of a man. I am not planning on SRS in any way shape or form because the scarring bothers me and I have a fear of surgery - I am still a man. You can still socially transition and there are a lot of trans men who pass without much difficulty despite not medically transitioning. If you are absolutely sure you don't want to transition in any way, shape, or form, though, then that is your choice and people should respect it. Transitioning is a big step that not everyone is willing to take. Though also... you don't have to transition to being male. You can transition to being NB if that will be more comfortable for you. You'll still have access to hormones and surgeries if you want them, as well.

    It will never feel the same as being a cisman. It's sad, but it's true - a transman cannot know exactly what being a cisman feels like. But we can get pretty darn close. When I'm seen as male by society and by my friends, I forget that I'm trans. I only feel that I'm male, and I feel so happy in myself. If people reject you, then reject THEM - you don't need them in your life if they're going to be homophobic or transphobic. Surround yourself with the people who empower you and will love you for who you are rather than what they want you to be. I know transmen who live stealth and hardly ever think about their trans status. I know lesbian women who barely think twice about mentioning their latest crush when everyone else is talking about their straight crushes, and no one bats an eye because at the end of the day why should the gender of the person you love matter? Your quality of life can still be amazing regardless of if you're LGBT or not. If you can work yourself up to accepting yourself, can get the courage to take the step, then you will find people who love and accept you. You will always matter.

    I never assume someone is straight or cis. Nor would I ever ignore or otherwise "other" another person just because they are straight or cis. I think it's shallow and unhelpful. There are LGBT people who do, but again, they aren't worth your time. Just keep your chin up friend, you will always have a place with us and we can help you as much as you need.

    No, no, no, and no. Don't tell someone that dislikes and feels dysphoria about their body that they are "blessed". That's incredibly insensitive to do. I've had people tell me that, and it makes me feel guilty and shitty about the fact that I want to change what so many people would give anything to have. It isn't a "blessing" to have something that causes you discomfort. I realise that you were probably only trying to help, but that is something that cis people often say in order to invalidate trans peoples' desires to change their bodies or to make them feel guilty. Please think more carefully about what you say.

    Also, transitioning is a choice. If Foxfeather doesn't want to, they don't have to. There are a million reasons why someone won't transition, and insisting that transitioning is the only solution for a trans person is unhelpful. Transitioning isn't for everyone so please don't act like it is.
     
  4. Foxfeather

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    No, it's perfectly find if Hint thinks my nether parts are a blessing. Maybe what we ought to do, instead of switching parts, is switching hearts.

    And, yes, I'm actually quite fit. You might be disappointed at the size of my bosom, but I got all gears in the right place.

    I know, I know--sometimes we should just be thankful for being alive and human, but it gets hard when perspective gets out of whack. I really empathize with trans women because we're just always staring at each other like "I want that." In my eyes, you are real women, whether you pass or not.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2016 at 12:07 PM ----------


    I think, in the end, I don't really want to transition. I just can't imagine cutting up my body or altering it even if it doesn't fit right. The dysphoria's bad, but the idea of getting and paying for surge (when the results may not be what I want, as I like the fact that women are less likely to bald than men, haha) and undergoing that doesn't seem worth it.

    I'm transgender, but I don't want to be a transsexual. That's probably it.

    And I'm not always transgender. Sometimes I forget, for a moment, that gender exists, and I'm just me. That's the closest I feel to being all right with my body. Forgetting.
     
  5. flatlander48

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    We share some similarities although it is sort of the flip side. Not long ago I came to the realization that my gender identity is a combination of masculine and feminine elements. As I thought about how my life developed to this point, it occurred to me that the signs have always been there. Maybe that's why I fought so hard (subconsciously) to keep them suppressed. Without really doing anything, I was a sponge for all things feminine. When I was a kid, I knew about design elements in women's fashion; not only what they were and the appropriate terms, but also the effect they were intended to create. For example, a cowl neck line is loosely gathered material to form the neck line. What it is intended to do is disguise the fact that someone is fairly flat chested. It wasn't that I was trying to learn; it was that the information just stuck.

    My default for problem solving is by intuition and that probably sounds odd coming from someone with a degree in mechanical engineering. The way it works for me is that logic is used in support of intuition. Clearly I can do logic, but it isn't my default. I also navigate relationships largely by intuition. I've always been sensitive to other people and attuned to how a small gesture or an odd word or phrase is out of alignment with a given situation. I can't tell what is going on, but I do notice when something doesn't fit.

    Anyway, there are other things that I could mention, but the point is that my gender identity is this this mixture. To be 100% of one or the other wouldn't feel right. I have no real way of quantifying this, but if I had to put a number on it, I would say about 70% male and 30% female. To this point, that has felt essentially constant and without fluidity.

    So yes, I understand what you say and feel something quite similar.

    DeeAnn
     
  6. RainbowsFactory

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    Wow, your post almost made me cry. I am feeling so sad for you right now, and I wish that I could just give you a big warm hug so that everything would become as you wish! :slight_smile: Firstly, if you want to be in a relationship with women, then go for it! :grin: I am gay too and we only live once, so be yourself and be happy. :slight_smile:

    About the transitioning, unless you would like to transition, then you don't have to at all and it's perfectly fine! You can be any gender and only YOU can define your gender.

    Lots of love and I am sure that the future holds many wonders for you!
     
  7. Hint

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    Sorry, Foxfeather, but I'm going with SystemGlitch on this one. God, I'm an asshole. What I meant was more as in, it's 'a blessing' to have a vag in general, you know, 'a blessing' in and of itself... but as to for someone... not so much. Seriously, bad for you, good for me.
    And what I meant by the 'transition dammit' was moreso that you shouldn't cast that option immediatley out, not so much "just do it already", mostly because the way you were saying things sounded like more of an uncertaintly about whether you should transition, and not so much a definite stance against it.


    ..
    This the part where I feel what they said and what I had to say were basically the same, about that there may be other aspects of transitioning than just getting male 'parts' that may still appeal to you, might still be the right part of transitioning that it might still work for you.
    Except his is more fluidly worded despite a longer, more verbose length, going through far more examples and specifics with a high ratio of detail to number of words despite having a higher overall number of words... God dammit. Is my 'writing talent' really that bad?


    ..
    How come it's so easy for other people to never mess up and say the wrong thing(s), and so hard for me?
    What is everyone else doing that I'm not doing?
     
  8. Foxfeather

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    :astonished: Holy crap, all the non-liberals are gonna get PISSED OFF if we start using percentages to describe our gender identities.

    But god, the amount of flexibility this has . . . I love it. Right now, I'd say I'm feeling 100% androgynous, in the sense that I really feel neither male nor female--right in between and genderless. But that's bound to change in a few hours or days.

    ---------- Post added 5th Sep 2016 at 03:35 PM ----------


    Hey, hey, hey. It's only an offense if I took offense, right? It's all fine. I get what you mean. I understand trans women. You're feeling what I'm feeling, just switch out the word "vag" with "(!)".

    I absolutely take no offense and I understand. I guess it's nice to have a functioning body in the first place, even if I don't fit within the gender binary

    ---------- Post added 5th Sep 2016 at 03:40 PM ----------

    :astonished: You sound like you'd be a really cute-personality'd person in real life. No offense, but you type how some of my girlfriends (girl friends, with a space in between, as I have not yet dated women) speak to me about my gender ID and my sexuality. Meaning you embody the nice and nurturing aspects of humanity (not necessarily femininity).

    I don't want to transition. I just want a body that works right, and I'd rather have this body than some T-injected mockery of manhood--no offense meant to all the real men out there who go through this painful procedure, you guys are 2000% braver than me and I do admire your willingness to go so far to get that body you want.

    I just want the parts to work right and for women to look at me and be like "hey there :wink:" Being female, I'm not the biggest or the strongest or the fastest, but I try so hard to be more than the limits of my body. I wish someone would see that.
     
  9. flatlander48

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    As I said, I don't know of ay particular way of quantifying how I feel. It's basically a "more than this" but "less than that" sort of thought process. I think this is a key part of understanding who I am. Another aspect is the fact that my personality doesn't change as a function of presentation. And lastly, to this point I don't feel like I am fluid. To me gender fluid is another way of saying that something (whatever it is) happens to change ones perspective. In other words, how you think and act is a function of viewing your surroundings though the lens of the other gender (or without gender in your case).

    I believe it is helpful to think of this in terms of a journey. Periodically new information comes to us or we notice something in ourselves. The result is that we know more than we did, or at least we have other questions to consider. We are complicated creatures and that's just the way it is...

    DeeAnn
     
  10. SystemGlitch

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    I'm sorry that what I said affected you so much, I didn't mean for it to come across quite so harshly. Looking back my words were sterner than they should have been. I'm sorry that I upset you. It reminded me of something that a (at the time) friend of mine said to me - she told me in tears that I shouldn't transition because God gave me a functioning body, I was healthy and very fertile, and I was blessed to have these things when so many people don't. She was unable to have kids, so I tried to be understanding, but in the end all that happened was her insisting what I was doing was an attack on her personally and an affront to God. It ended our friendship and is a really sore spot for me now.

    To be fair, most people on this site don't post in a lot of detail. Most give a foundation and let the person research for themselves if they want to research further. I'm not great at that, I always feel like I'm leaving something out or being incomplete, and it bothers me cause I feel like it means I'm not being helpful. To be honest though, I think the majority probably aren't looking to read through reams and reams of text like most of my posts end up being. :lol: That's where shorter posts which give info but encourage further research are helpful, so don't count yourself out just because you don't ramble like I'm prone to.

    Everyone makes mistakes as well. I've done my fair share of mistakes, I've offended or hurt people without meaning to. But there isn't a point in dwelling on them. All that will happen is negative feelings, and negative feelings encourage negative actions. :frowning2: As long as someone recognises that they did make a mistake, then there is no reason for them to stay at that point or beat themselves up because it won't change what happened. The best thing to do is move on and build from it. (*hug*) After all, sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing is until you've said or done the wrong thing first.
     
  11. Anthemic

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    You seriously sound like the type of woman I go for. I want a woman who wants to look pretty, but wants to act like a man in a relationship. I even love penetration, but only from a woman. I thought I was weird! XD
     
    #11 Anthemic, Sep 6, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  12. Foxfeather

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    Whoo, honey, you're from Alabama? Isn't it hard for the LGBT community there?

    I'm from the east coast and we're getting more liberal here. Wish I could take you to dinner. Or something. (I'm just kidding. Please don't report me to the admins. But just know that there are girls like me looking for girls like you. And vice versa. You make me feel better.)