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Considering telling the rest of my family...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kal, Sep 3, 2016.

  1. Kal

    Kal
    Regular Member

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    A few people
    So, I'm out to 3 people...2 are friends and the other is one of my brothers. I'm considering coming out to my mum soon (and by proxy, my sister and possibly my younger brother although he won't understand what that means and it will be very confusing for him). I'll probably phrase it in a similar way to how I did with my brother but it's my mum, y'know? The centre of my world, the reason why I'm here. I only have one parent and the thought of this pushing her away or making her weird with me scares me. I know I'll have to tell her at some point because I'll be transitioning - the deep voice and stubble will likely give it away!

    I just wanted to tell the universe that this is gripping my heart in a way that makes me feel 10 years old again, like I've fucked up and have to admit it. Exposing myself emotionally is going to be so hard because this feels like the ultimate vulnerability. This is a woman that accepted me for being lesbian immediately, but holds some responsibility for me not accepting being transgender to myself for so many years. She's partly the reason why I bottled it up as a child and told myself it was wrong to think and want such things because of the look on her face and the disappointment in her voice when she pleaded with me to look more girly...when she bombarded me with irate questioning "why do you want to look like a BOY?". This somewhat small instances and happenings became so entrenched in my emotional response that I didn't wake up to the fact that I was male until I was 26 and didn't accept it until recently. Of course, there are other factors, like society and compassion. But I feel adrift in my own compassion, that my feelings are amplified and I have so much to feeling and express. But I show respect to people. For instance, today I was walking down the road and coming towards me was a man and woman, walking in shock and both crying. Their faces were red and their eyes were bloodshot. I instantly knew it was a pivotal moment for them; they were barely focussing on anything and walking quickly. I felt so strongly for them. I wished they would be okay and I lowered my eyes so they could have that moment without someone invading with their stare.

    Others on this planet don't afford me any sort of respect and I fear they never will. I dread being alone forever, I dread walking down the street in pain with no one by my side. I already hate their staring. People look at my quizzically, as if I'm a puzzle to figure out. Whether I'm buying something, letting someone past or minding my own business. I immerse myself in my solo hobbies because it exhausted me trying to find friends. I have a couple of friends, don't get me wrong. But I don't have a best frien or a group of friends. And that's the crux; I tell my family I'm trans and some of them shy away from me...and I'm left with nothing. Maybe a text here and there with a friend that lives the other end of the country and a stifled drink with the other that insists on asking for my opinion, only to keep making the same mistakes. I also have the added pressure of trying to leave this area, because when I transition, I will have a target on my back here. I try not to overly fantasise about being someone else, because when I come to I realise who I actually am. I get lost to the wormhole of someone's Instagram page and I find myself wishing I was him, emulating him and trying to learn more about his life for the key to all those happy smiles in his photos.

    All of that aside. I am excited to transition and realise who I am on the outside to match my inside. Until then, I make do with boxer shorts and weightlifting.
     
  2. randomconnorcon

    Full Member

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    I kept quiet about how I was feeling from my family because they reacted pretty much the same way when I wanted to do or wear something they consider only for boys. I only told everyone because I just couldn't hold it in any more. Thankfully, their reply was that they guessed I was transgender and were okay with it. My stepmum even said she wished she hadn't forced "girly" things on me and let me be happy because maybe I would have been honest earlier.

    I'm not saying the exact same thing will happen with the rest of your family and even my family still aren't practicing what they preached (they still use she pronouns and everything). But it's just good to have a bit of hope, a sort of "I'll find a way to be okay if they don't accept me but you never know" mentality because they might just need time.

    I hope coming out goes well for you when you're ready to do so.
     
    #2 randomconnorcon, Sep 3, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2016
  3. Kal

    Kal
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Bath
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hahahaha I was going to tell my mum today but she preferred to have an argument with me about the hurt feelings of her weirdo fiancé, all because he pissed me and I blanked him. So I left. BEST part ever is that neither my sister or mother asked me how I am or what's going on in my life for the whole time I was there - STANDARD. Good old me, good for favours and whatnot but never agreed with or given any sort of respect. I'll just manage on my own until such a time you need me to lift some boxes or look after someone, huh?

    Fucking pissed off. I so can't wait until I emigrate and start my life over. If they want to be a part of my life, they have to make some fucking effort with me and respect my feelings. Bunch of dicks.