New Name and Pronoun Change [Online]? (Warning: Kinda long)

Generic Name · Sep 3, 2016

I'm aware that this topic has probably come up about 120398102983018 different times, but something happened and I'm not rly that sure on how to react to it, so I kinda just... didn't XD. Anyway, lemme explain some backstory before getting to the crux of it all, so you can sorta see where I'm coming from on this.

So, I've been wanting to start using the new name I picked (Melissa, because I adore it), and also try to switch to female pronouns. Thing is, I go by this name (and also Missy) online, but I don't in 'real life', because I'm no where near pass-worthy, and probably won't be for a very long time... Not to mention, I'm out to very few people, and only ones who are very close to me. Anyway, this means that the only thing that people can judge my gender on online is my voice. If someone met me, and I introduce myself as Melissa, WITHOUT telling them that I'm trans, and they hear my voice, people seem to always directly question my gender and ask "are you really a girl, because you don't SOUND like one", to which I don't really know how to respond. I hate explaining that I'm trans, because I end up getting asked a shit tonne of questions that I'd rather not answer, and it just gets all awkward.

Now, with that all being said, I've recently asked most of my closest online friends to start referring to me by my new name, and I also asked them if they can try to switch pronouns. When I ask, before I even let them respond, I say "only use my new name if you're comfortable with it", that gives them a choice to back out, because the last thing I want is to pressure them. So far, almost all have agreed with the change, and are trying to use female pronouns and my new name. Obviously they do 'slip up', and that's fine... But today was an exception.

I asked a pretty long time online friend to do this change as well today, and I also told him that other people that he knows is already doing this. Ofc, I gave him the option not to do it, because I'm just like that, but.... He refused like... immediately. He said he wouldn't ever call me Melissa, because "it'd be too weird". What do I even do in that situation? I don't want to be using my birth name anymore, how am I meant to get used to my new name if
a) I have to keep reminding people and
b) people may refuse to acknowledge the change.

So what would you do? How would you handle this? I need a little help and advice. They all know that I want to transition, and I've told them that name change and pronouns are pretty important to me, so should I even give them an option? Should I just say "I'm Melissa now, refer to me as she", and enforce it? If yes, how do I enforce it without being an asshole, and if not, what should I do?

P.S: Holy fucking shit, this was rambly as hell, sorry haha

P.P.S: There's a whole lot more to this story. Eg, another friend is willing, but they won't do it around other friends (if we're in a group) until I've visibly transitioned enough... How the fuck am I meant to do that? I can't just grow tits overnight, and I'm not even on hormones yet, and probably won't be for another year, so what the hell am I meant to do?

Tl;Dr: Should I force people to use a new name and pronouns, or not? if yes, how do I remind them if they slip up, and if no, then what are the alternatives?

Edit: Won't be able to reply 'til tomorrow. I need some sleep xD

bjanna · Sep 3, 2016

I'm not trans or nonbinary but one of my best friends is(nb), and I know how to be respectful with pronouns and what makes them uncomfortable. First off, I'm really proud of you for being brave enough to ask your friends to refer to you with the correct name and pronouns! And I'm glad that a majority of them are willing to make that change for you. When one of your friends makes a mistake with pronouns and they don't correct themselves, it's important that you tell them, because as they get used to it, they'll correct themselves and it won't be you who has to. You don't have to say something lengthy every time, if they say "he" you can just say "she" etc. and they'll know what you mean and because you said it out loud to them, they'll remember that mistake and will be more likely to remember in the future. I'm pretty good with pronouns, but every once in a while if I'm speaking quickly and not thinking, I'll use the incorrect pronouns, but I immediately notice and correct myself for them, to make them comfortable. And if they aren't willing to put in the effort to learn or even try, like your one friend, they aren't worth your time. I will say that your friend might not understand how much this name change and pronoun change means to you, so I think you might want to make that clear to them, and if they still say no, I would tell them a bit stricter that you want them to use this name and pronouns because it's respectful to you. I think you should let that other friend know as well the importance of using the pronouns and name, even around others, and don't let it slide because they're your friends. It's important to you, and if this person won't respect it no matter what you do, they aren't a friend worth your time, and the ones worth your time are the ones that respect you and make an effort with your name and pronouns. It's kind of rude that your friend won't because of your physical appearance, so I think you need to let them know that their comments make you uncomfortable and that because they're your friend they need to respect you.
You deserve respect and acknowledgment from everyone, don't give yourself less than you deserve.

Rickystarr · Sep 3, 2016

I had this same problem before recently and my fianceehad to explain it to me: if you want people to use your name and pronouns you have to be direct and don't give them a way out. If you give them the option, most people will take the easy way out. You have to be very clear about what you want and that it is disrespectful not to at least try to comply. Be polite but firm. And when you say you want to transition someday...you are already transitioning. This is one of your first steps and your friends should be trying to make it easier on you.

Lacybi · Sep 4, 2016

I agre with what the others have said but I also think that you should give him some time to think and maybe subtly try to teach him about how important names and pronouns are, especially to transgender people, and more importantly, to you. Maybe say to him how it's just like you have a new nickname if that makes him feel more comfortable.

Generic Name · Sep 4, 2016

bjanna said: ↑

I'm not trans or nonbinary but one of my best friends is(nb), and I know how to be respectful with pronouns and what makes them uncomfortable. First off, I'm really proud of you for being brave enough to ask your friends to refer to you with the correct name and pronouns! And I'm glad that a majority of them are willing to make that change for you. When one of your friends makes a mistake with pronouns and they don't correct themselves, it's important that you tell them, because as they get used to it, they'll correct themselves and it won't be you who has to. You don't have to say something lengthy every time, if they say "he" you can just say "she" etc. and they'll know what you mean and because you said it out loud to them, they'll remember that mistake and will be more likely to remember in the future. I'm pretty good with pronouns, but every once in a while if I'm speaking quickly and not thinking, I'll use the incorrect pronouns, but I immediately notice and correct myself for them, to make them comfortable. And if they aren't willing to put in the effort to learn or even try, like your one friend, they aren't worth your time. I will say that your friend might not understand how much this name change and pronoun change means to you, so I think you might want to make that clear to them, and if they still say no, I would tell them a bit stricter that you want them to use this name and pronouns because it's respectful to you. I think you should let that other friend know as well the importance of using the pronouns and name, even around others, and don't let it slide because they're your friends. It's important to you, and if this person won't respect it no matter what you do, they aren't a friend worth your time, and the ones worth your time are the ones that respect you and make an effort with your name and pronouns. It's kind of rude that your friend won't because of your physical appearance, so I think you need to let them know that their comments make you uncomfortable and that because they're your friend they need to respect you.
You deserve respect and acknowledgment from everyone, don't give yourself less than you deserve.
Click to expand...

Thank you . It's great that the majority are compliant to the change, and you're completely right about it being important. The problem I have is that I'm already pretty shy and try to avoid conflict (most of the time), so whenever I notice a mistake when referring to me in a group, I tend not to say anything and let it slide. But in any case, I shouldn't let that happen. I'll have a talk with that friend, an really try to explain the importance of this change, and if he still doesn't understand, or is just completely unwilling, then I guess I'll just have to distance myself from him.

Rickystarr said: ↑

I had this same problem before recently and my fianceehad to explain it to me: if you want people to use your name and pronouns you have to be direct and don't give them a way out. If you give them the option, most people will take the easy way out. You have to be very clear about what you want and that it is disrespectful not to at least try to comply. Be polite but firm. And when you say you want to transition someday...you are already transitioning. This is one of your first steps and your friends should be trying to make it easier on you.
Click to expand...

I only give an option to avoid conflict. Any time I try to be firm about something, I always feel like I'm overdoing it... But I guess I shouldn't. Next time I have to correct someone, I will be more firm about it. I'll stop giving the option to back out.

Lacybi said: ↑

I agre with what the others have said but I also think that you should give him some time to think and maybe subtly try to teach him about how important names and pronouns are, especially to transgender people, and more importantly, to you. Maybe say to him how it's just like you have a new nickname if that makes him feel more comfortable.
Click to expand...

He's had all of summer to think :/. I told him back in June that over the next few months, I'll be beginning my transition, and that things will start changing, including my name. When I talk to him next, I'll try to get him to understand my perspective, and if that don't work, then... Idk.

Thank you for your responses. I've learned that names and pronouns aren't something that people should have an option about. Cheers c:

New Name and Pronoun Change [Online]? (Warning: Kinda long)

Generic Name
Regular Member

bjanna
Regular Member

Rickystarr
Full Member

Lacybi
Regular Member

Generic Name
Regular Member

New Name and Pronoun Change [Online]? (Warning: Kinda long)

Thread Tools

Generic Name Regular Member

bjanna Regular Member

Rickystarr Full Member

Lacybi Regular Member

Generic Name Regular Member

Generic Name
Regular Member

bjanna
Regular Member

Rickystarr
Full Member

Lacybi
Regular Member

Generic Name
Regular Member