Gender Help, Sexuality, and Bathroom Questions (Long)

Alright, so this is kind of going to be hard for me to talk about. And it’ll probably be long to since I thought I might as well get all of my questions out of the way in one thread. I’m not even sure where to start. And today hasn’t been that great either so my mood has taken a nosedive.

Alright, so the first question is the big one. My gender. I have read up on basically every one of them lately. I should start at the beginning though.
Ever since I was a kid, gender meant virtually nothing to me. I don’t remember particularly caring about being afab. However, I did like other things that were ‘boyish’. I hated dolls and wanted hot wheels and dirt bikes and boyish clothing and all that, but was always told I couldn’t because I was a girl. However, I never specifically thought that I wanted to be a boy because I had no distinct problem with being a female. I never really thought about it either. I would wear dresses but there were times where I hated anything ‘girly’ and rejected it with a passion. That was elementary though and once I hit middle school I went into female mode and basically tried a lot more to look pretty. At first I was the jeans and t shirt type but then after 8th grade and joining color guard my sophomore year I became much more comfortable in my own skin and was pretty girly.

I never really experienced any dysphoria before, and I know I don’t have to, but it was odd because I rather enjoyed being a girl. I liked being called pretty and dressing cute, especially when I joined color guard. I know, and I’ve said it before, that I believe that clothing has no gender. However, for me, clothing basically portrays your gender to the general public, so I tend to stick with that for simplicity.

Now, the whole confusion about my gender came up rather suddenly. I was playing a Pokemon rom and was going through the intro when it asked me the big question: the gender question. Of course, I like to portray myself as much as possible in games so I always choose female. However, this rom also gave the option of neither. I was pretty surprised and I liked the sprites more for that option than any of the other ones, so I chose that. Then I realized what that meant about pronouns and how others see you. I noticed at that moment that I really didn’t care. I didn’t care if I was female or male to anyone or myself. So I felt pretty happy with the character and then I started my own research about gender.

I was pleased to find terms such as neutrois and non binary. I thought that that was actually pretty accurate and quickly took to the they/them pronouns, but of course wouldn’t tell my parents. Then, after a while, I started to become more frustrated with how I looked. I wanted to look more androgynous. So I got more clothes that were some graphic tees and button ups and I cut my hair.

I went to my first week of school here (which is college basically) and noticed that despite that some people didn’t recognize me at first, everyone still knew I was a girl. For some reason, this bothered me. At that time, a couple weeks after the Pokemon thing, I was identifying as genderfluid. I even created another facebook where I could be myself without worry from my family--I even had a more masculine unisex name, different from my more feminine one.

So here it is, after all that annoying text and background. I’ve been getting more and more frustrated with people seeing me as female. My friend has lent me a binder she uses for cosplay, and I am in love with it. I use it every day except for weekends for 7 to 8 hours maybe. Despite everything, everyone still says ma'am even though I have short hair with a flat chest and even baggy boyfriend jeans and a t shirt. I guess it’s my facial shape. But it annoys me so much now. I want to correct them and say “you can’t just assume what I am!”

So now, I’ve been trying to use male or neutral pronouns and some of my closer friends even call me Mike or Mykie. I feel incredibly nervous when they do that sometimes though. It’s gotten to the point where I comfort myself in my mind and say ‘don’t worry! You really are a boy, just one with a different body!’ I really do picture myself as male, yet there are still times when I imagine myself in my mind and I’m still a girl, which also frustrates me.

I wear feminine clothes around my parents because they don’t seem to be very accepting and even get frustrated or angry with me. Just today we went shopping and my mom got angry with me for not liking any clothes in the girl’s section. I just feel plain wrong in them now and I hate looking at my closet because I feel like I’m not the same person when I wear a tank top or cute shirt. It’s like I’m cross dressing, which I wouldn’t really have a problem with, but I’d rather actually have a male body if I do that. I don’t know, it’s confusing.

My personality even changes on especially masculine days. I passed by a group of guys and I puffed out my chest a bit and attempted to pass a bit more as if I were saying “hey look! I’m one of you!” I feel so much more confident when I feel truly like a guy and that I pass, and I even had the courage to jokingly gyrate my hips in the elevator as a joke to my friend. I talk to people more, but now that I know everyone still sees a girl, I hate to talk. I know my voice is too feminine and lowering it just makes me more frustrated. Also, I hate my chest lately, and while I used to want a larger chest, now I want it gone. I look in the mirror and I see a boy now with breasts and it just looks what I call ‘copy and paste’ on me.

Oh, and ok, I just now tried ‘packing’. I… don’t really know how I feel. I don’t really have a problem with it, I feel just neutral. But also not that bad either. But I definitely need to find a safety pin.

There is one thing that has made me increasingly uncomfortable with my body over the years, and it is a very personal issue that I am not comfortable about talking about, but I basically don’t want anyone to see or feel my female body. So that’s a bit of a thing too, but I plan on seeing a therapist about it some day.

I think that that’s it for this question. I’ve been identifying now as either genderflux or demiboy. However, does this seem transgender? I’m not completely sure if I want male parts all the way, but still, what do you think?

Now, the next question. Does anyone else feel that their sexuality changes with their gender? I thought I was lesbian, but now, ever since I’ve imagined myself as a boy, I find much more interest in guys. I identify as pan now, but I feel that if I imagined myself as a girl again, I am back to only being interested in other girls. However as a male, I find interest in both, but mainly males. Just a thing I thought was odd.

Lastly, bathrooms. Alright, this is incredibly weird for me right now. I never had a problem with going to the women’s restroom. Never really thought about it. Now though, I often feel as though I’m sneaking into the restroom and that I don’t belong there. The intensity of this changes sometimes, but even then I still want to see what the boy’s restroom is like. It’s mostly curiosity I think, but I have felt this strong urge to go in despite the risks.

I’m not sure if I’m allowed to go in or not, but once when I almost went in, I felt incredibly nervous. Like my stomach churned. But I also feel unwelcome in the bathroom of my sex. I’ve never actually gone in, but I still want to at least try.

I heard my college is open to students going in the bathroom they identify with, but that was before the state put a law against people going in any bathroom. Does that affect what the college can do? And should I be nervous? I’m really worried about someone from my class seeing me and I don’t think I’m ready for anyone other than my close friends to know yet. I don’t even want to say anything to my counselor or my professors yet.

Overall, what do you think? I’m sorry this was so long, but I felt that I needed to ask this. I hate that I even thought of this in the first place since now I just feel confused and frustrated. Is this just a phase since I never even thought of being anything but cis? It’s only been about two months since I started my research, but already my feelings are strong. But I’m only sixteen. I don’t want this all to be a phase that I’ll regret later.

I wouldn’t say I regret being a girl either, per se, but I wouldn’t mind too terribly much to be transgender. Maybe it would explain why I always felt so much more connected to males or why I never felt comfortable or that I fit in the women’s department at the store. Meh.

Either way, thanks so much to anyone who read all this. Even more if anyone gives me any advice. It would mean a lot, and I would value anyone’s opinion. But please no one suggest a gender therapist. Unless I can find one I can simply email maybe without my parents knowing, I have no chance of seeing one until I move out.

Thank you! (*hug*)