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Anybody else feel stuck in a rut?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kal, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. Kal

    Kal
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    I spend my days feeling angry all the time. My emotions are so near the surface and I hate to cry so often. I've made leaps and bounds by accepting who I am but my life is still so dull and pointless. I'm not making memories, I'm killing time and that fact is destroying my soul. People generally don't want me around or wish to speak to me in the day to day, and that makes me very sad. I used to put myself out there all the time, badgering people to hang out or do stuff and they simply never wanted to. So I've stopped for quite some time now. I spend my weekends alone and barely talking to anyone, my free time lifting weights and watching films and I feel like my 20s have been a waste.

    I so desperately want things to change and I'm trying, don't get me wrong, but I also have to safeguard certain aspects, such as having my own property - if I found myself without a place to live, I'm not sure where I'd go. I want to emigrate and get away from this country, to experience something else for a few years...but I can't do that until I've got certain things in order and to do that, I have to penny count and literally do nothing in the meantime.

    I'm a 100% certain that if I was born a male, I would not have this life and I would be surrounded by friends. People have always seen me as different and for a while in college, that was deemed cool but I've been an outcast for so many years. The part I hate the most is that I will look back at my life and regret a lot. I know it and I feel so completely stuck and burdened by being seen as a weirdo woman that dresses like a man that I'm starting to lose my grip on the light at the end of the tunnel. I've never been suicidal, even in my darkest days of depression but I can absolutely understand how people genuinely get to that point. I just hope my breaking point is a long way off because truthfully? I don't know how much longer I can continue being this unhappy.
     
  2. Goldensun

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    Hi Kal, I've got no idea what it must be like to be in the situation you describe. Being an everyday gay guy has been hard enough at times. So I can only imagine that being trans is even harder.
    But I know what it feels like to be stuck in a rut and I know what it feels like to be lonely and isolated. And it sounds like you're in a space which is going to be very hard for you to get out of. Have you got a good therapist? Because it sounds like you probably need one, and probably one with experience in working with trans people.
    Take care.
     
  3. luke564

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    I found this tough to read, my situation isn't the same - but I've often felt like I'm wasting / or have wasted my 20's - and that's a painful feeling, so I can relate on that.

    I feel like I'm not really living the life I want to, but I don't know how to make the change - I imagine myself as a totally different person, sexuality, attitude, hobbies and interests - even clothing and everything, and can't change who I am at this stage, but I feel like If had grown up in different surroundings I might have naturally fallen into these things - but I've been raised in a way where everyone knows me as someone different, I guess someone in denial - its painful :/
     
  4. denouement

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    I definitely feel you. I've been isolated and feeling like there's no point to anything, just dead in the water... and then I've been more and more frustrated and upset at.... I don't even know, this whole thing. I don't know if I want to scream or cry or both.

    It sounds like you're normally more outgoing than me; I've never really been one to hang out with people, I tend to just stay at home anyway. I don't know that I'd ever have been surrounded by friends or so on. And I'd still have to deal with being gay and all that. But yeah, it seems that I'd be in a preferable situation if I were cis.
    Everyone around me seems to be having a fun time and making the most of things and I'm just.... here. Trying to make it through the semester somehow without totally burning out. I should be trying to line up something for when I graduate but, I can't even think that far right now.

    I'm just chilling with some loud music right now, it's kind of helping I guess. Hang in there man.
     
  5. Kal

    Kal
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    Thanks for responding all. It's hard to not let your heart break when you've got so little to do in this world. If your mind and time is occupied by family and friends, you tend to think there's more in this life that the bog standard job you have. I'm trying to see the bigger picture, but I've recently had a setback in the referral to GIC, as my doctor didn't complete the form like he should have done originally so I'll be 2 months at a disadvantage as a result.
     
  6. jaska

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    I get all of what you're saying,cos tbh, I'm stuck in the mud as well. I could type out a whole book about it, but my mind is just dead right now and I don't know if it'll ever live again. i don't know what to do, I can't die, I can't live, I'm just drifting somewhere in the middle, alone and in pain.
     
  7. Kal

    Kal
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    The night is always darkest before the dawn. That's what I try to tell myself. Going to ask for different anti depressants from my idiot doctor...the ones they out me on made me feel sick for weeks which doesn't help when trying to bulk up.
     
  8. Jellal

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    I thought I was feeling kind of stuck, but not unhappy to that extent. I hate feeling sad and I'm really sorry that you're feeling that way as much as you are.

    I think we've all got fears of regrets ... but, you do have less to regret than some. There are some people who go their whole lives lying to themselves and denying what they really feel. So from that perspective you've done yourself a big favor already. Of course it's not the end of the battle. There'll always be more barricades, more doubts, more fears. Y'know, because suffering is part of life? But there are always people willing to help and there are always friends out there. And people willing to offer friendship. When I'm feeling down I think about the friends I have now and they never fail to help lift my mood. Just thinking about them does that. And talking to them and being with them, that's even better!

    I'm sure you already know that you're not truly alone, but myself, I like reminders.
     
  9. Savant

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    I have felt exactly like this, though I'm still in my teens. This has been going on for me for a while, although with reversed genders. I am still exploring my identity, and I feel like all of this would just go away if I was a girl.