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Does this mean anything?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Spot, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. Spot

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    This was going to be anonymous but I might as well be open about it :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I've been having some really...different thoughts lately. Different for me, anyway. I don't know if it means anything or not. I think not but I don't know for sure. I used to be very sure of myself, like I used to have bad dysphoria and I was really gender-conforming. Now, I've changed a lot and I hadn't even noticed. I mustn't have had severe dysphoria in a long time, only maybe once or twice this year but that was while identifying as male. But then, even that has changed. Only because I used to be really serious about getting SRS and HRT and insisting that passing was the most important thing in the world.

    I still want SRS and HRT now, well I'll most likely get it. It's just that now I've been thinking that gender and even sex is just stupid. It unnecessarily divides us and causes people to treat us differently IMO. I think that we'd just be better off if it didn't exist and we were all gender-neutral physically and mentally but since genders and sexes exist, I'm going to be one. Since I have knowledge of what gender is, if it never existed then I wouldn't have this problem. I've also been thinking that since I was raised female, I'm always going to be a bit female, which I actually think sucks because I think that if I were a cis male, my brain would be 100% male. I think it's more of a learned thing than biological...I don't know if anything I'm saying is even making sense right now :lol: I hope so.

    I've also got this weird desire now, it's like I want to wear dresses but only if I were a cis male :confused: I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable doing that as a trans male because people always say that it means you're a tomboy :dry: If I were a cis male, I wouldn't even care if people sometimes used female terms on me. If I knew them well enough and they weren't trying to be mean, then sure. And since I've been thinking about doing feminine things, I'm getting these...thoughts and they're not making me very comfortable. For example, I was looking at costumes online for a party and the ones I saw were only male and in my mind I thought, "But I'm a woman." And that really scares me because I'm undoing basically my entire life, the life where I insisted I was supposed to be a boy (well, in my mind I insisted) since I was like four/five years old :icon_sad: And then I can't remember the other time too much but I wanted to listen to Taylor Swift or something and my mind immediately connected that with being a girl. I'm pretty sure I also used my dead name in my mind, even though I haven't done that in probably around a year :/

    I still care about passing but sometimes it's nice to be treated as "normal" too. If I dress as a girl then people don't stare or laugh at me. And sometimes I just want to wear whatever and I don't worry about passing. Does any of this mean anything? Like, I don't know, would you still consider me to be FTM trans or should I look into other identities? Which wouldn't be fun because I'm really over questioning :tears: I couldn't actually turn into a tomboy, could I? I was suicidal over this for 3+ years so I don't understand how I could change now...
     
  2. BenFreeman

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    Questions to ask: If there was nobody else in the room...what would you be wearing?
    And how do you feel...when you are all alone...about your body?
    Is it different when there are other people around?
     
  3. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    My theory would have been that deep down you don't want to be trans you want to be a normal guy that has been born in a guys body like you should have been and doesn't have to care about passing or any of the many complications and pressures that come with being trans....but then i might be wrong

    Well..the questions suggested above are actually a good way to go about things i guess...
     
  4. Spot

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    I feel the same as I always have (disconnected, dysphoric but less severely) it's just that now I feel more...laidback about my gender identity. I don't know what that means and what's going to happen :/ I wonder if it's a normal part of accepting yourself as trans or if it means I'm genderqueer or if (though it's unlikely to me) I'm going to "turn into" a girl.

    I don't know what I'd wear, it'd be male clothes or loose-fitting female clothes...I don't wear tight clothing because then I can see my body shape too easily and it makes me dysphoric.
     
    #4 Spot, Sep 6, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  5. GayPugs

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    I think I may know what's going on.

    You are realizing that...


    it doesn't MATTER.

    I mean, your gender is important and it's a big part of knowing who you are but it still really just isn't something you have to think about all the time. I know that feeling, too, when you like something girly (for me, My Little Pony) and you feel like it invalidates you as a trans boy but if you were a cis boy then it would be ok. But, you are a cis boy. You were just born in a body that doesn't like you. A body that doesn't fit you. So, I say, be proud! Be proud to be a cis boy who likes Taylor Swift! =D Be proud to be whoever you are!
     
  6. August Silver

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    Ben's questions are good ones! I'd say the most important thing is what you want from your life. If you still want to transition and get significantly dysphoric about the feminine features of your body and about being referred to as a girl by others then I wouldn't worry. What you are labeled as only matters in relation to the medical and legal aspects of transitioning, as far as I know...? I agree that this man/woman thing makes things unnecessarily hard for everyone... Personally, my "unmanliness" in comparison to stereotypes was the main reason for years of denial and being in the closet. But I realised that if cis guys are, or at least should be, allowed to like some "traditionally" girly things (and women manly things) then why wouldn't trans guys be? Even cis guys get questioned about stuff like wearing makeup and dresses or wanting to do ballet instead of playing football or whatever... Trans guys even more, I'm sure. I'm terrified about this very thing when currently looking for a doctor that would refer me to a good hospital I know has a gender identity clinic that could finally give me a diagnosis so I can start HRT.