Hi all, Male at birth. The concept of gender fluidity is definitely bizarre. One moment I've felt like a normal guy, another I think I've felt like a girl. Sometimes I have asked myself: 'Am I a boy or a girl?' Then, sometimes I think, 'well how can I even consider myself to be a girl?' How would I think that? Why would I think that? I actually feel legitimately disgusted. If I were to hypothetically be gender fluid, can't I do anything to stop it? However...I can't ignore the evidence on the wall for something that has gone on. I have numerous photographs of myself dressing and posing like a girl, and I have almost always imagined myself to be a girl every time I masturbate. It's really disturbing. I just want to be a normal guy....sorta. Any advice? Anything I can do? I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to even tell family members.
You just want to be a normal guy? Sorta? In what way do you mean that? First things first don't be afraid to do some soul-searching and being honest with yourself. Writing out your thoughts and desires (even the 'icky' stuff) where nobody will read it might help you better understand the answers to the question I asked you just now.
To be honest, I often don't know how I feel. :/. Most of the time I wish I can just wake up one day without a penis, but still being able to survive/function happily. However, I don't want a vagina either. It's a truly horrible feeling. I suppose I have sometimes felt like a woman. Even though my mind tries to deny that feeling in every which way, I cannot ignore the evidence of myself dressing up. :/ What should I do?
It sounds like you are afraid. Why is your mind denying that you have felt like a woman? ---------- Post added 9th Sep 2016 at 12:43 PM ---------- Just missed the edit post cut-off, but maybe I should give an example from my own experience: For me a major hurdle was fear that I wasn't bigenderfluid and was actually binary trans. There's nothing wrong with being binary trans, but the implications of discovering I was terrified me, and the result was that I ran away from even questioning it. Ironically, that made it harder for me to accept I am fluid. In the end I looked at the evidence that I had and I saw myself feeling and being convincingly boy and convincingly girl, and I had two and a half months' worth of graphs providing clear evidence of my shifts directly from one to the other and existing in intermediate states. I couldn't deny the feelings and experiences I had had, and in the face of all of that, being binary trans did not cut it. It hasn't solved all of my niggles with my gender, but the relief I felt meant I could give myself permission, so to speak, to accept my fluidity and feel comfortable talking about it. I can prove it. I am fluid. The evidence is overwhelming. Are you also afraid of being binary trans?
Yeah, I suppose I am afraid of being a binary trans. I'm highly afraid that I'd need surgery in order to be happy, but then on the other hand I vastly don't even want surgery. I'm even more afraid that I'll be miserable no matter what I do.. I hope I can find a way to be happy. I suppose in theory I would have an honest diary of when I feel male and when I feel female, but I never really even focus on gender issues when I'm in 'male' mode...I just prefer to peacefully live my life. Unfortunately, I know that I've honestly experienced femme mode at least once a day (usually when masturbating it has striken the most)..though I hate to admit it. I can't remember the last time I masturbated when I didn't picture myself as a girl. Again, a huge part of me wants to deny that this has happened.
Sorry to bump this- I've just been super freaking miserable. Why? Because I haven't been able to even hold a job. It's definitely a terrible experience though. Right now I'm in my room, dressed as a woman. Even wishing I was a woman. But I don't want to have to have a sex change. That idea is absolutely terrifying. What the heck can I do? I'm in therapy now, but there are so many other issues to focus on that it's hard to confront this as well. :/
