I've recently discovered I'm trans. I've made a previous thread called Transgender or Gender fluid, explaining my confusion. I've realized that I'm not Gender fluid, but I'm just a bit of a feminine guy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I could go into more detail as to why I feel I'm trans, but I'm just going to save the story because this is probably going to be long enough as it is. With realizing this fact about myself, it's been challenging. It's weird, but I'm kind of having a little bit of a hard time fully accepting it. Is that normal? When I first started seriously suspecting myself as trans, I kind of slipped into this self-imposed internal transphobia. Not towards anyone else of course, just toward myself. I started to get really depressed, I was anxious whenever I had to see my body in any way, I was spacing out and getting lost in thought longer and more frequently than before. I didn't really want to talk to anyone about it, which just made it worse. I couldn't understand what was going on, not exactly. I think what I was going through (and am still going through, just not as much), was fear. The fear of changing. I'm afraid of changing because two things. 1) Changing things to the disapproval of others (family, friends, etc.). 2) Changing things about myself permanently and regretting it. I've always been a perfectionist, people-pleaser I guess you could say. Ever since I was little, I always hated being in trouble in any way. Whenever I was, my family (whoever I was with at the time, I went back and forth between family members) would be "more disappointed than angry". As much of a cliche as that is, I hated it. I hate when people are disappointed in me. I just want to make everyone proud, and when I can't do that, I feel worthless. I feel like crumbling inside because I'm not good enough. So when I came out to them, just seeing their faces... It was crushing. I've read about T and definitely considered transitioning. But, I'm still scared... I always doubt myself. Although I know that the 'doubt' I have, is just fear. It just doesn't seem to matter to my brain >_<. When I really think about it, I think the word 'permanent' just scares me. It makes me fear not only change, but regret. I'm afraid if I transition, I'll regret it, even though I know I wouldn't. It just scares me, making a choice like this. I've never been good at making decisions anyway. I'm so terrified that I'll make the wrong choice! This is partly because of what people have gotten into my head, I know. My mom is my only parent, so I live with her. We're really close so, she was the first person I told how I thought I might be trans. She was (still is) skeptical. She thinks just because my family couldn't accept my neutrality before, I must have subconsciously thought that I had to take it further to prove my validity. Which, I know isn't true inside. But it still lingers in my mind whenever I think about transitioning or taking any steps towards being male at all. It always makes me think, "What if I'm not?", "What if mom's right?", "What if I am just doing this for attention, but don't realize it?!", "What if I make the wrong decision? I won't be able to fix it!". Even though I know I wouldn't regret transitioning at all, it still lingers in my mind. I (like many others) have a history of depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, and self harm. Whenever I think about this, seriously think about it, I feel like slipping back into those old habits. Now, I have a therapist, I'm ok. I wouldn't do something like that again cause I don't want it to get out of control. And I know it would. (If anyone else out there is discovering their self as well, please do not go down that road. Please seek help immediately.) So if anyone out there is going through the same things, or even has gone through these things in the past, please let me know what you did to get through it or what's happening now and how you're coping with it. It would really help to know that I'm not alone in this seemingly endless struggle, and to know what I can do to get through it. [And if you are going through something similar and need someone else, don't be afraid to message me. I'm not in the absolute best place to be giving advice since I kinda need some myself, but I will do my best to be here for anyone that needs it.]
Awesome that you figured everything out! I also thought I was Genderfluid for a while but turns out I'm just a boy who likes My Little Pony and some other things that are considered "girly" by society. I am going through the same thing as you. I WANT to do T because I don't think I'll regret it but something in the back of my mind is like, "You're too young! If you do it, you'll regret it!" And I still don't know if it's permanent or not and there's so much weird stuff about it and it can make really weird things happen...and I'm fine like this, why do I need to change? I'm not good for advice but I'd say do what makes you happy. If something permanent makes you scared, don't do it, if something permanent would make you happy, do it. But, no matter WHAT, make sure to research a lot before doing anything permanent.
Hey man, it's awesome that you're so self-aware and open about what you're going through. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm a trans guy too, and a lot of your story is pretty relatable to me. Trying to live up to people's expectations and having a hard time forgiving myself when I don't has also played a huge part in my experience. Although I'm not out to my family yet (except my sister), my closest friends know, call me by he/him pronouns and a masculine name, and are more than supportive. I wear a binder, keep my hair short, and dress as masculinely as I can get away with. So, my advice: Be social. I tended to distance myself from everyone when I was in the worst part of questioning, and isolating myself and letting the question of gender haunt me 24/7 was not beneficial to my mental state, and did not help me arrive at any conclusion about my gender identity. So, my first piece of advice - be social and live your life outside of gender. Find friends who support you, or even if they don't know, are fun enough to be around that you don't have to think about gender with them. Experiment as much as possible. Get a haircut if possible, try dressing more masculinely (even if it's just wearing a men's shirt or shoes), use a masculine-scented shampoo/body wash/whatever. Try binding with a sports bra or acquire a binder. Making impermanent changes that help you feel more masculine can alleviate dysphoria and give you insight about your gender. Find refuge online. Whenever I'm feeling dysphoric, watching YouTubers like Ty Turner, Chase Ross, Benton, etc. who make fantastic videos about trans issues can give you someone to relate to who is much farther along in their transition, if that's what you want to do. Posting on a forum like this one, interacting with other ftms, whatever - as long as you feel less alone. Express yourself. Hiding your identity and your pain takes a toll on everyone. Making art or music if that's your thing, or immersing yourself in sports, whatever you love doing, is a great way to escape. Make sure you have a creative/emotional outlet. That's all I can think of right now, but feel free to message me if you want to talk or need help. I'm not that far along myself, but I'm always open to conversation. Stay strong.
