Hello. So I'm very confused about who and what I am. I'm a guy, and for most of my life I've been happy enough with that, kinda. More on that later. But for as long as I remember I've been into more feminine things. I've preferred having long hair to short (though bald now because yay, male pattern baldness), I like wearing nail varnish, and when I was younger I'd wear my mother's earrings after piercing my ear myself (I remember tearing one one once, a lovely dangly thing I liked in one ear, think Bajoran) when she shouted at me to get that thing out of my ear, "you're a boy, take that thing out" etc, and I remember I was so... I dunno, offended? Let down, I guess.. that I just tore the thing right out. I've always enjoyed wearing makeup when it was "for a laugh," and.. every time I've passed a clothes shop I've admired the clothes and every time I see a nice pair of ladies' boots I feel this strange pull. I've always been more "feminine," nurturing, traditional qualities like that. Never been competitive, always preferred to talk things out, etc. Lately I've been really hating toxic masculinity and starting to dislike being a man. Lately I've been spending more time with trans people, and recently went to a steampunk event where crossdressing and so on wasn't even an issue, I danced with a man in a dress and nobody looked twice, it was strangely liberating, like "that could be me, I could just be a woman here and nobody would care." I dunno if it's being awakened by the steampunk thing or my growing dislike of masculinity and the crap surrounding what it means to be a man (because I've never been ANY of it) but it's getting to a point where it's starting to bother me that I don't know how to apply makeup and I'm too used to having a beard to present as female convincingly. I've been bi since I played around at 14 or 15, but I lean far more to the straight side of things. I doubt that's relevant but since I'm sharing other personal things with strangers.. xD I think the moment came as well just before the steampunk thing, where my mother pulled out this gorgeous purple bridesmaids dresses, offering to make me a jacket out of one, and I said no, they're too beautiful to mess up. She suggested I try one on for a laugh, and I did, and despite my brother disgustedly saying it was weird and mum having a good chuckle, it felt perfectly fine. It was my first time wearing a dress. I told her then that I've always wanted to, and she took it surprisingly in stride. I've not spoken to her about it further, like mentioning my predilection for earrings and stuff in my youth (which have since gone away, my ears and eyebrow have healed now coz I did martial arts for 20odd years so couldn't have any such decorations) but I think I'll bring it up and get my ears re-pierced sometime. I enjoy blending masculin and feminine, having a beard but otherwise dressing and looking feminine appeals to me. It's mostly the fear of being stabbed and the expense that stops me Is there like... any way to encourage some clarity? Any questions to ask myself to see whether it's just transvestitism or .. how would I know if I was trans? I mean I don't think I am, but I'm extremely confused in my identity as a human and sexually, I was abused in my teens and 20s and it's thrown me way off, most things I outright denied for a long time as a symptom of being messed up by that. I'm just very confused and it's starting to make me teary and depressed. I guess I just wanted to rant about it and pour it all out somewhere where I knew I'd be safe to do so. Nobody has to respond to this, but I'd appreciate shared experiences or suggestions for how to work things out more concretely. Thanks for reading.
Gender expression does not equal gender identity unless a) a child insists on playing/wearing things made for the opposite sex because they are of that gender b) a person of any age changes their gender expression with the purpose of being seen as their true gender identity. Within yourself [so despite stereotypes], is there something wrong about being male? And something right about being female?
I don't know. I don't remember ever feeling right in my own body. That said I don't think I've ever felt specifically that I should have been a woman. I don't think I'm trans, when I think about it I just feel like this kinda neutral mass that happens to be a shape. I don't really feel like a man, I don't recoil from my masculine name. I don't feel like my body's the wrong one. I think I'm just a traumatised transvestite that's never been allowed to express himself, that's left it so late to explore these things he doesn't know what he's feeling for sure anymore.
Is it reasonable to suggest, then, that perhaps you don't feel right in your body because you've never been allowed to express yourself the way you want to? So if you were "socially allowed" to have the traditionally "female role" and expression, would you be comfortable as a guy?
It's very possible. I remember when I was 5 Santa insisted I take the bag of marbles instead of the purse and I was really upset, and it still makes me angry I think that's a reasonable assertion, yeah, if I could just do the "feminine" things without fear, it'd be ok. It's not just about dressing up, is I think why I'm confused. Like I enjoy talking about guys with female friends (my mother and I fight over John Barrowman a lot xD) and being "one of the girls," regardless what I'm wearing. Feels easier than being around guys. Maybe I'm just a feminine guy who likes prettier clothes, and it's no more complicated than that? I dunno why it's so difficult to work out for sure.
I've heard of women who like being seen as "one of the guys" and they are still women, so it's possible the other way around. It's probably difficult because 50 odd years ago there was absolutely no choice: women had to be feminine, men had to be masculine. Now there's a choice for all genders about gender expression I guess it becomes less predictable and a bit more confusing for some as they might think gender identity and gender expression are the same [when the only reason it was before was due to society pressure] when it's not [apart from the two reasons I mentioned in my first post].
