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Gender Identity: My Situation

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by enjeruciel, Sep 14, 2016.

  1. enjeruciel

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    I have some time before bed so I thought I'd try to get this off my chest since it's been weighing pretty heavily in my thoughts and on my conscious, to the point where it can sometimes be difficult to think of anything other than my identity and I feel that's unhealthy. I need a place to write out my thoughts and experiences, and potentially bounce these ideas/thoughts/feelings off of others. There are times where it's so exhausting, I'd rather not think about gender at all.

    To give you a brief backstory. I was assigned female at birth. I grew up a tomboy, though my interests were relatively unisex growing up, not particularly male or female dominant. From around the age of 14 I had occasional urges to crossdress in boy's apparel and take on the persona of a male. I felt more confident, more at ease and better able to be myself when presenting as male, though I never questioned these instances or really considered them to be anything out of the ordinary. They just happened sometimes, but when they happened they were accompanied with some kind of drastic physical change, such as a sudden haircut and color, and an overwhelming gender dysphoria and desire to be physically male.(I've always felt a strong curiosity and attraction to gay males as well. I remember reading as much young adult literature as I could find, and watching many a vague and curious indie movie (I thoroughly enjoyed indie movies in high school) about gay relationships as a teen, and often felt gay men were attractive in an entirely different way than straight men, but that world was and remains intangible, understandably so. I should mention I identify my sexual orientation as pansexual, based on a variety of experiences and attractions since my puberty and my teens, particularly with my strongest attraction being to effeminate androgyny in both men and women). Even now it's difficult to articulate.

    But eventually it would pass. Surely everyone wondered what they would be like if they were the opposite of their assigned gender, right? But I knew my curiosity and desire was something beyond the norm, even then, otherwise I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable in my own skin at times.

    Only recently I've begun to reflect on these seemingly random fluctuating periods of my life as being a consistent and valid part of my gender identity and for the past few months I considered myself to be gender fluid. But lately fluid doesn't quite seem right, because that underlying masculine identity, which really is more of an effeminate androgynous masculinity (at least to anyone on the outside), seems ever present, and I can only seem to interpret it as being my true identity. In other words, I feel as though I'm something of a closeted (due mostly to self reflection and exploration) transman whose effeminate tendencies do not lend me to be easily defined by the male gender role or norm.

    Essentially, I feel like a non-binary transman and have recently felt more comfortable with the term gender queer because I feel my gender falls in a spectrum between the binary genders male and female, though there is the desire to be physically the opposite gender of my assigned sex, though for me being trans isn't as clear as going from the assigned gender to the desired opposite gender, because while I desire a male form, I still enjoy highly effeminate clothing, makeup, etc. and other things associated with the female gender role/norm.

    Though transman or FtM feels most accurate in defining my overall gender identity, it seems to suggest an intention to transition, at least from what I understand up to this point, and transitioning intimidates me for various reasons largely because once transitioning begins, there are some aspects that are irreversible in terms of HRT such as facial and body hair growth when it comes to T, menstrual cycles ceasing, hair loss to name a few, coupled with the social stigma and potential loss of friends and family which creates anxiety in me, and the feeling of insufficient SRS that imho does not yet simulate functional male genitalia.

    I often wish my body could remain largely the same as it currently is, because for the most part I consider myself to be a relatively self confident, content and competent person, only wishing my body could have more masculine aspects such as more muscle definition and growth, straighter masculine shape instead of the curved or hourglass female shape, but minimal body hair and the softness of female skin, fullness of female head hair, but the lowered voice of a male, etc. This picking and choosing of male and female traits seems to me quite non-binary, yet I am often confused about my identity.

    I'm curious to know if there are others out there who relate to my confused state of gender identity and what their experiences have been.

    I apologize for the long post, but if you've made it through all of this, I sincerely thank you.
     
  2. Secrets5

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    Gender expression does not equal gender identity unless a) a child insists on playing/wearing things made for the opposite sex because they are of that gender b) a person of any age changes their gender expression with the purpose of being seen as their true gender identity.

    You can still be a transman and not medically transition. There are different types of guys: some want to have large muscles, whilst others don't. Some want beards, others don't. So whilst, due to hormones, you can't choose traits [although the examples I gave can be achieved by weights/not weights, not shaving/shaving] it is a normal thing for people to desire certain traits of being a certain gender and not others.

    Sexuality has nothing to do with gender identity.

    If we removed the social stigma of being trans, what would you identify as?
     
  3. BrookeVL

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    I have no advice to give, but I am basically going through same thing right now(just reverse the genders), so I know how you feel.
     
  4. enjeruciel

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    That's a refreshing outlook. In the confusion of all of this, it's nice to be validated. I understand sexuality and gender identity are two separate and unrelated entities. I suppose the reason I mentioned my sexual orientation was to show that my ideal in terms of physical attractiveness is also what I hope to reflect.

    It would be great if there was no social stigma, in that case I would be an effeminate (trans)man.

    ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2016 at 07:00 AM ----------

    Sometimes it's enough to know you're not alone :icon_bigg. Also I love the song lyrics in your signature. I relate to Lost Boy quite a bit, especially when it comes to the confusion of gender expression and identity.
     
  5. AmyBee

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    Not to hijack with my own autobiography, but I felt very similarly and experienced a lot of the same things you did and have a similar PoV about MtF transition/surgery from the opposite direction. So a lot of that resonates with me, too! Anyway, thanks for writing that and exploring it here! I just want to wish you all the best!
     
  6. BrookeVL

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  7. Synesthesia

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    I relate to quite a bit of what you said but with different ages - coincidentally - including your preferences in regards to men and women (though I'm mostly into guys.) :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: and I prefer slightly more androgynous than feminine presentation (most of the time anyway,) and not really into makeup (I think I'd wear it sometimes if I had a male body though.)

    One thing I wonder about though is do you feel you have a connection at all to the female identity? Like does the thought of losing that upset you at all? If not and you just want to be a guy you may just be a feminine transman with minimal/fluctuating physical dypshoria.

    Personally I identify with both genders so I go by bigender, it's basically at the same time, and often I'll feel a stronger connection with my male identity but the female part is still important to some degree always I think.

    So personally...

    Physically I do the same often with picking and choosing. I wish I could be taller a little more muscled but not too much. I like my leg hair probably wouldn't want too much more though, don't know whether I'd want a beard. I can sort of see myself with one as an old man but not right now and shaving every day? Yeah just don't know. Would want relatively long hair. I'd also like a more angular face but to still look relatively androgynous, smaller breasts. And I guess both sets of genitalia (which is not possible,) but I'm also undecided on that last one.

    I don't exactly dislike my body though I have mixed feelings about my breasts and don't really want surgery to remove them.. Things like having periods also doesn't really bother me, but I'm sometimes bothered by my genitals generally.

    Hm I think you should focus mostly on what you prefer to be perceived as, and how you want to live (based on an ideal world perhaps,) if that's solidly male then you're probably a transguy. Physical dysphoria can vary too.
     
    #7 Synesthesia, Sep 14, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2016
  8. enjeruciel

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    No worries, you're not hijacking at all (nice to see another person in Japan as well, also I'm a huge fan of the Gorillaz, since middle school, and Noodle is adorbs.) It's nice to know you feel the same about transitioning. Somehow I questioned it frequently and felt as though it made me less valid or less trans I suppose by feeling hesitant to transition.

    ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2016 at 08:42 PM ----------