Let me start this off by saying I'm basically new to gender identity stuff so if I use terminology or just say anything that's offensive it's by accident. Throughout my life I've been exceptionally "weird". My biological sex is male, and throughout the years I've never really met a lot of the characteristics of a lot of other guys. I've always sucked at sports and never really had much interest in them, though in the last few years I've been casually following baseball and football (I also skateboard, but I'm not sure if that really counts). I always thought that the way a lot of other guys acted was douchey, and throughout middle and high school I got picked on a lot. I always seemed to be out of place, and in my early childhood I remember liking stereotypically feminine things. I've had fantasies about crossdressing as well, and the few times I've done it I've enjoyed it massively. But here's the thing. I've never had a problem with my biological sex. While I've fantasized about crossdressing (and enjoyed it when I've done it) for years, I've never had any interest in changing my biological sex (and this is something I've thought about a lot). If I had the choice to become a biological woman I don't think I would take it; I'm perfectly satisfied with my body. Lately I've been really stressing myself out over this. I've been dealing with anxiety problems for quite some time, and worrying about gender constantly has made life almost unbearable for the last few days. My biggest worry is that I'll end up being completely transgender and that I'll have to fully physically transition, dealing with all of the consequences. I know this isn't the case because I don't have a problem with my body, but my anxiety tends to put me in unrealistic situations. At least I think it's just my anxiety; I have hypochondriac tendencies and this whole situation reminds me of a period of time where I was convinced I was dying of a brain tumor. To make things even weirder, I've had sexual fetishes that could relate to this since I was a child. Throughout my life I've had fetishes for leather and latex, specifically women's clothing made out of these materials. Most of my crossdressing fantasies involve these fetishes, and basically every time I've crossdressed I've gotten sexual fulfillment out of it. My friends throughout my life have generally been a mix of male and female, but half of the time I've met my female friends through trying to get with them but failing utterly (I'm really awkward and probably have severe social anxiety), but I would stick around with them because I didn't have many friends. In elementary, middle, and early high school my closest friends were guys; In later high school I really only had one friend and she was an extremely masculine lesbian girl who I was really close with. I have a tendency to piss my friends off because I have problems with anger and I can do stupid shit when I'm pissed and that was the case with my male friends at the beginning of high school. Now I'm in the beginning of my second year of college. My friends this year are a mix of male and female. Last year I didn't have many friends, and most of the guys I talked to basically wrote me off as a basket case because of how awkward I am. I had a decent number of female friends, and I really wanted to make friends with other guys but I got really awkward around them. I honestly think I get intimidated when talking to guys because of how in high school I managed to piss off all my male friends, but I'm really not sure. I made a few male friends this year that I really enjoy hanging out with, but I'm always really anxious to text them because I'm afraid I'll say something weird and piss them off. Talking to girls is even weirder, because if there's one thing I do know it's that I'm into girls and I'm the most awkward person ever around girls I'm into (which is most girls I meet). I think I'm a bit stunted when it comes to sexuality and relationships because I've still never been in a real relationship, and I'm still a virgin. When it comes to talking to people I genuinely know, guys or girls, I don't think I have a preference. I just want someone who I can trust. Sometimes I wonder if the anxiety, isolation, and depression I've been dealing with since my teens is caused by gender problems, but there is another potential, probably likely cause. I was diagnosed with epilepsy after I had my first seizure at 14. It was around then that I started having problems with anxiety and depression, and holding down friendships became difficult. The medications that I got put on certainly didn't help, and in fact the first medication made the anxiety and the anger far worse. My neurologist says that the epilepsy itself can cause mood problems as it interferes with the brain chemistry, and I'm currently on Trileptal and Topamax to deal with the seizures. Over the summer I tried several mood stabilizers to deal with rage outbursts I was having, but none of them worked. I almost wonder, though, if my mental state is in part due to the extremely unhealthy lifestyle I live; All summer I basically did nothing but play Fallout and eat junk food. I also wonder sometimes if I have ADHD or Asperger's, given my lifelong difficulties with understanding people and dealing with authority figures and school. Finally, I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and I came to the realization that I've always perceived myself as more androgynous than anything else. Given this, and everything else I've said, does anyone have any suggestions of where to go next or even what I might be? I think I've been overthinking it a lot (Which I do with basically everything, given my anxiety), and it's been making me feel horrible these past few days. Sorry for how long everything was, and if anyone could even try to help that would be fantastic. Thanks!
What makes you think you're trans? From what you described, you've just labeled gender roles and stereotypes instead of any dysphoria or female psychology. The latter has more to do with being a woman. I'll give you an example: My Dad hates all things sports and finds them beyond stupid, but my Mom is a major sports fanatic. You always see her wearing Cubs or Blackhawks shirts and baseball caps. She always shouts at the TV when the cubs are on. I've never actually seen her wear a dress or a skirt in her life, she thinks It's pointless, although she does have long hair and is seen as an "attractive tomboy". Personally, as a woman myself, I'd never wear a skirt, dress, or makeup either, simply because It's not my style. So....with all this in mind, men too can wear skirts and dresses while still being men. It's just that It's socially frowned upon and kept in secrecy. Having a fetish for it isn't even uncommon either, I know a man who likes it as a fetish, but prefers male pronouns and all that. If someone was trans, it would be more that those are just the normal clothes they wear rather than completely sexualizing it. They could get an erection from the dress "rubbing against them" or just from not being used to it, but it would have meaning beyond being something sexual. I'm not saying "You're absolutely not trans" but you need to think about what's making you question your gender besides feminine sex roles, because that's not what determines your gender identity as It's base.
It's basically the fact that something just doesn't feel right, combined with the other stuff. I feel uncomfortable talking to other guys (which I'm not certain how much of this is related to past events and social anxiety), and I've heard that a number of trans people started off with sexual fantasies of crossdressing. My body is also very feminine in shape and in the past few years I've perceived myself as talking/walking/looking like a woman, which has caused me anxiety when hanging out with guys because I worry that I won't fit in. Still, though, I have never experienced any problems with my body. This is what confuses me the most. I half expect to start feeling dysphoric about my genitals or that I "should" dislike my body since I have all these other feminine traits, but even though I can remember countless situations from my childhood where I wanted to wear feminine clothing/play with feminine toys, I can't remember once hating or even disliking my male physical features. And then there's the fact that I've always viewed myself as androgynous, even though I never really realized it until recently. Gender is weird.
