Suppressed and Unimpressed

Alright so recently I’ve been questioning my gender identity, much more often that i would regularly allow myself to, and i thought i might as well get some advice while i’m still questioning.
I was born female and for the most part never experienced any greatly obvious dysphoria, unless you count my middle school years in which i reveled in going to the men’s restroom, binding with dollar-store bandages (before i was shut down by my family as well as my own insecurities on the matter, that is). Femininity had never been my strong point but at the same time many women lack feminine aspects but are still women, so i always just stuck with the gender i was assigned since i really had no reason to doubt it and didn’t have much other choice as was made very clear after my middle school years. So i let go of the notion that i could be anything but a girl, and sort of floated through life filled with self loathing of the body i held, blaming the media’s portrayal of beautiful women as well as the natural self hate that teenager seem to have and not the fact that my gender expression was not one of my choice. Eventually i became so tired and forgetful and depressed that i couldn’t remember why i felt the way i did or why i hated myself so much. Not that i made any of this obvious, i’m reckless and unhappy but know well enough that if i express this too obviously, people will perceive me as the wreck i am and not the bubbly person i try to be. I hate the notion of being seen in such a way, so i acted happy and let myself believe i was happy. As long as i was around other people, who gave me the drive to act as if everything was fine, things were perfect . And after a long enough time, this just became my life, jokes mixed in with sadness that i couldn’t even remember the source of anymore.
But one day a friend of mine started his own journey to self discovery that ended with him figuring out that he was demiboy. Suddenly all my knowledge on transitioning was useful after being dormant for so long. His unsupportive parents caused me unrelenting rage, which even surprised me at times . I suddenly had a new found love and passion towards this friend just because he didn’t identify as the gender he was born with. I was willing to die to make sure he could express himself how he wanted, i felt ready to kill when anyone told him he couldn’t. All i wanted was for him to be happy, which at the time i thought was just me being a good friend, me being the One True Ally™. But then it sort of hit me all at once, that i was sort of projecting myself onto him. I wanted him to live the life that i knew i couldn’t. After so long of ignoring my real problem it’s return ached with a vengeance. I had convinced myself that what i had gone through was just a phase, kids do that, they go through phases. Convinced myself that how i felt wasn’t real, that it couldn't be real for someone like me. I hadn’t felt like a real human being for a long time so it was easy to believe that nothing that pained me was worth the pain to begin with. Teenagers over react, especially the Girls, so i convinced myself that that’s what i was, another teenager over reacting to something meager that would mean nothing in the long run. But then my friend , someone who i knew in real life and wasn’t just a story i read online, suddenly realized himself. He knew he was a boy and wasn’t going to give it up. Just knowing that he existed justified everything i felt, his mere existence proved to me that maybe it isn’t all in my head. This has all happened so recently and so fast and it hurts so much more than if i had just let it be. Sometimes i hate my friend for reawakening this inside me , because i know that a hidden pain would always have been more dull that this stabbing, prevalent hell in my chest. But at the same time i would still give him my life for reminding me of who i am, because this at least gives me the chance to be myself once i am allowed to control my own life as opposed to ignoring my problem for years to come. I’m just not quite sure what to do at this point because as much as it hurts me to be what i am, some days i’m fine with being a girl. Some days i have no problem being happy with myself and my body and my obviously feminine shape, and those days are what still make me question if this pain is real even after everything that’s happened. I don’t know what i am, and as much as I’d like to call myself a boy, i know that there are days when i’m not, and i feel that i have no right to even question my gender because of it. For some reason i feel that the fact that i’m unsure is a testament to the fact that i shouldn’t have say in it. Sometimes i love being a girl but some days i’ll cry for hours wishing i were born different, or at the very least that everyone would stop calling me a girl. Sometimes she/her pronouns make me want to break down. So what can i make of this? I’m not all of either side, yet i know it isn’t an option to be that. I haven’t even figured myself out yet and i already know that i’d be a quiet joke at family gatherings, that my aunts would think me ungodly and teach my cousins to think the same, and it kind of hurts.
I’m not sure what to make of my situation nor how to handle it. I know that it’ll be hellish to live in this household being what i am (whatever i may be) and the only way i’ve gotten this far is through suppressing like there was no tomorrow, but now that it’s out i can’t control it any more. There are two constant dialogues in my head, one that wants to change and one that is still trying to keep things inside. In fact the only reason i started typing this is because out of nowhere the thought “I wish i were a boy” came into my head and the response which i instinctively shot back at myself was “No you don’t, shut up.”
I feel completely lost within myself and in my life , so much so that even my bubbly facade has started to fade. I don’t talk to my friends much anymore , and i’ll admit i’ll end up ignoring them and being down right rude , even more so now that since my appearances are scarce when i ever i show up my friends will announce excitedly “there SHE is”. On some days it’s fine but god knows it kills me on the days that it isn’t. I can’t even look the friend who brought me to my realizations in the eye anymore. I can’t bring myself to do it, how could i, he’s being himself at the very least to his close friends, when i’m not even strong enough to tell one person about this? I can’t help but feel a bit of shame in his presence. I would still give everything i have to make sure he is happy and able to be himself but now it has a bittersweet tint to it because my assistance to him is laced with the irony of my lack of self acceptance.
I’m just sort of a mess, and i’d like to see what input others might have on this situation.
If anyone has any advice to give or any similar experiences, i’d love to hear it.

 

ahhhhhh , thanks , friend. I'll look into that, this really helps ;w;