So incase you haven't seen this thread: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/221374-so-much-anxiety-2.html (read the thread, it's got some important stuff.) I've recently been questioning my gender and experiencing dysphoria. I thought this was the first time, but looking back, I can remember times this has happened. It's become pretty clear I'm not ENTIRELY cis-gender, but I'm trying to figure out the extent of it Or maybe I am and this stuff is normal. Looking back, I've seen some signs that maybe point as far as being transgender. I always secretly wished I could wear women's clothes. I'm fine with guys clothes, I guess, but if gender wasn't a thing and I could pick, I'd probably wear more girl's stuff than guys. I did the thing where I put on mom's shoes, as a little kid. I always looked at girls with a mix of attraction and admiration. I think deep down, maybe wishing I could be them AND be with them at the same time. I know I used to play with my sister's toys(as well as mine), but I can vaguely remember a couple times trying to steal their clothes...I was young, so I can't remember if that happened exactly. Puberty hit. I hated that I grew body hair, and shaved it once I could buy my own razors and stuff. Been doing this on and off, since then(I get lazy sometimes, not that I like it, more I'm too lazy to get rid of it). I've always wished I would never grow body hair. Every time I shave or Nair, I hope it stops growing back. I remember thinking "Why can't I just be smooth like all the girls?" The only thing I never really shaved was my legs, because I was afraid everyone would make fun of me. I also remember being shocked and grossed out getting erections. I'm not sure that one ever felt right. I can't really point out a time I ever hated my genitals(before the other night, see thread), but I can sure remember feeling uncomfortable with them. Like they felt "wrong" somehow. That's how I feel about them right now, in fact. So, what can we make of this? If you need more info, just ask. There's a lot more in the thread I linked, but I didn't want to leave too much of a wall of text, so I left it out here.
So I'm not the most knowledgeable person on trans issues but I'll take a crack at it. A few of the things I read didn't necessarily scream trans to me at first when I read it. It's not uncommon for young boys to play with dolls when they're little, and there are guys that enjoy cross dressing but aren't trans. Body hair is a preference that didn't really scream trans to me either; some people just hate having body hair regardless of gender or sexuality. The part about your disgust with your genitals, to me, does come across as a strong indicator that you may be trans. Again, this isn't a subject I know a lot, if anything, about, but I figure it might be a good starting point to digest and compare to what other people on here might say about the matter. Whatever the outcome, good luck with your self discovery!!! Keep us updated
I kinda expected a few more replies, by now. lol I know the other things by them selves are not necessarily indicators. It's the genital stuff that is more so. It seems to range from general discomfort, to I want to get them removed hate. Erections are the part that causes the most negative feelings. Also, a big thing that happened around puberty. I developed a mild case of gynecomastia. This made me have the opposite reaction you might expect. "Yay, I get boobs!" They're not even an a cup, but I've always been fairly happy about them being there. Still am.
Hi CG I've been browsing this board lately with my own thoughts and questions. Like katchoo said, I'm proud of you for posting here too! I have some thoughts to respond to you but can't really write much at the moment, I'll be back soon.
Hi again. I just wanted to say, I think it's brave for you to start looking at these questions, and thinking on this side of your identity, who am I? I don't have the same feelings in all of the areas you mention, but your post resonates with me a lot. Mostly in terms of feeling that I'm not fully cis. But who am I? That's not really clear....As a young kid (3-10 ish?) I questioned things about whether I was in the right body and questioned whether I had the right body parts. And now, as well as through all my life, I struggle to put a finger on my gender. In my case I don't believe I'm trans but maybe something more along the lines of non binary or androgynous... What are your instincts telling you that you might be in terms of your gender identity? Do you think you'd feel more *you* in women's clothes? Have you tried shopping in the women's department at all? Maybe buying one or two pieces ...? I just for the first time last week deliberately crossed over to the men's department. It was in equal measures terrifying and liberating. I've worn men's clothes before...here and there, and have sort of found myself wandering into the men's section many times before, but for some reason this *deliberate* decision to go into that section and try those clothes on, felt different. What would be a good way for you to start thinking and exploring more about your gender?
Hey Jedi! I had no idea you questioned so much. My instincts are telling me that I'm probably trans.....but to be honest it's very confusing. I feel like I'm being sent mixed signals. On one hand "Come out, see a doctor, start hrt." The other "Dude, seriously, it's been a week. You could still end up being literally anything. Slow down. If you still feel like this in six months, then see doctor." I probably would feel more "me" in women's clothes. But it's not the clothes, so much as people's perception. I don't want to be seen as a guy in women's clothes, I want them to see me as a women. Maybe. I think? I'm fine with a lot of guys clothes, and would continue to wear quite a few of my current items, if I were to transition. It's much harder for guys to "cross shop" than for women. (Thanks society) Don't know that I'm ready for that yet. I thought about online, but I'm not really sure what sizes to get....
First welcome to the journey, it's a bit of a hilly road but a worthy one. now about cross shopping, love this phrasing BTW, im sure you have a 'sister', 'cousin', etc that has a 'birthday' coming up....:icon_wink and as for what sizes there are charts on line just google male to female size adjustments so similar. and check the return policy at the store. I use walmart a lot so I try things on at home and if they don't fit I just return for larger/smaller (usually larger size) or refund. the cost of wally world clothes isn't too bad so there is that and, really, no once cares that your buying a blouse or skirt. and if they do F* it, none of their business anyway. anyway if I can help hit me up (*hug*)
I mean, we ARE approaching Christmas.... Oddly enough, my cousin wears guys clothes and has short hair. If she came out as trans tomorrow, me and half the family would be like, "yep saw that coming." I still just think she's a butch lesbian though. At least the dysphoria has turned down a bit these last few days. It's kinda like a 2 now, still there and noticeable at times, but can be pushed back so as not to interfere with things like school work. The clothes will come eventually...
Let me simplify things. Do you "feel like a woman" or disconnected with your birth sex? Do you want to be perceived as female? Who cares about dysphoria towards genitals or not... that is not prerequisite for being transgender, merely a sign. The first two questions I asked are the most important to answer for yourself.
Yes, I do feel a level of disconnect with my birth sex. I always thought this was normal, to have that feeling to some degree. And yes. Part of me does wish to be perceived as female. The other part doesn't really care.
Reading a post in another thread made me realize something. I seem to always care whether or not pretty girls are gay or bi. I've been doing it for a long time, but it wasn't a conscious decision to think about it. I thought it was weird, but just curiosity getting the best of me. Looking at this now, I think it was because, deep down, I always thought of myself as a woman. I was just too clueless to actually realize it. So it would make some sense, gauging their level of interest. Though the way I feel right now, I think I'm okay presenting as a guy for a while longer. It's what I'm used to, and way simpler. At least for now. If I ever do find myself in a position where transitioning is an option, or I simply hit rock bottom and it's do or die, I'll revisit the idea and look into whether or not it's something I want/need to do.
I had no idea you question so much either To be honest I've been having trouble coming back to respond to your thread because your thread sparked even more thoughts and questions in me.... I may start my own thread soon. My own questions start from early early childhood and span my life but are now coming back to the surface really strongly. I think that by what you say in your last post you're going to sit with this feeling a bit before trying to analyse it too deeply. But I do think trying a little cross shopping might give you a bit of an opportunity to see how it makes you feel. I'm interested in reading more from you here, if more thoughts and feelings come up.
I suppose we could find a way to trade bodies!:lol: I'm reading an article in Cosmopolitan, where they're interviewing trans women about what the transition/surgery was like.....it's very interesting, and quite educational. I can't help but feel that it should scare me off, but it isn't. I just keep thinking "I wonder what I'd look like after a year or two of hormones? How big would my boobs get? They're already about an A cup(thanks gynecomastia/being a fat kid). I like the idea of finer hair and softer skin. My crotch feels uncomfortable now." I feel kinda pathetic, but like in a nerdy kinda funny way. I wish there was a way I could see what my body would look like, like in a virtual way, based on typical hormonal changes approximated onto my current body....just as a curiosity. I know there's no way to actually tell. A friend on here pointed out that my friends list is mostly gay/bi women. I never noticed it before. Said she kinda had me pegged as trans/non-binary. God, what would my family think? ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2016 at 11:42 PM ---------- And yeah, maybe I should cross shop. Maybe start with something that isn't overtly female, like a flannel shirt, just from the women's department. I doubt anyone would look at it long enough to know, but I'll know and maybe that's all that matters. ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2016 at 11:48 PM ---------- Also, I met a cute girl, who I asked out. We're going to setup a date after her phone gets back from the shop(not a BS story, I'm the one who brought it in, cause I work there), which should be tomorrow. I'm anxious about this. I want it bad, but I can't help but think maybe I'm being selfish stringing her along in all of this?
