Starting T (maybe) Wednesday

This is a long ass fucking essay that no one needs to read. It is just cathartic for me to get some worries off my chest and talk about what I'm going through right now.

So I don't know if I'll actually get my first T shot Wednesday. Prolly not, but I've heard different stories. I'm going to planned parenthood to get HRT through informed consent. Wednesday I am definitely doing bloodwork but I've heard some people say they've gotten their shot on the first appointment. It doesn't really matter either way to me. I could've posted this on one of the existing threads but I thought this was significant for me to post about because I have so many thoughts about this. I apologize if it's all over the place.

Most pressingly, I am afraid of medical procedures but I have no real basis for this fear. Now that I know for a fact I am at least getting blood drawn on Wednesday I am most concerned about that procedure. I have never had blood drawn and as far as I know I have no problems with blood or needles but my fiancee is super scared of both and doesn't want to go with me and definitely doesn't want to help with my shots so she isn't much help. So I've been watching a bunch of videos of people getting blood drawn for the first time (mostly kids) to prepare myself. It doesn't seem too scary but I'm just not used to this stuff. I've avoided doctors my whole life because of dysphoria and general anxiety. I'm also watching people get T shots and again, it doesn't seem so bad but for the fact that they are all getting them like in the hip (they say it is the butt but it looks like the hip to me) and I don't even like people seeing my hips let alone touch them. Idk maybe I shouldn't even worry about the shots yet because I prolly won't actually be getting one on Wednesday.

Then there is the fact that I'm worried about what my actual bloodwork will show and wondering if they will do hormonal tests since I'm just going to Planned Parenthood and not an endo. At first I was most interested in the hormone levels because for a long time I've figured I prolly have abnormal levels for a female and that is why I'm so hairy/unemotional/lacking biological clock (needing to have children or having any real feelings when looking at them)/having light and uneventful periods. But my fiancee today mentioned it assuming they would test my hormone levels (though I have recently found out they might not) and casually mentioning how my testosterone might be high anyway and I might not need much or something, and instead of that making me happy like it usually would, my first response was to say "Or I'll find out they are normal and I will just kill myself," and I was kind of joking but then I was sad for a long time and we were silent for a while. And she said maybe it's best I don't know. And I kind of agreed even though I have always been curious. Now that it is a real possibility I will find out, it is kind of scary because I've comforted myself in the past that my hormone levels are probably abnormal for a genetic female. I kind of feel like I'd be hurt some way if I found out that wasn't true and even getting my T levels corrected wouldn't completely heal that hurt.

And there is the fact that I've for a long time vowed that I would quit smoking entirely once I start T. Partly because it is more dangerous to smoke on T I've heard because of blood clots and what not, and partly because I've wanted to quit anyway but smoking is kind of my only pleasure right now. The only way I feel I have any control over my body. I've also vowed I would greatly cut down on drinking and start working out again. I was doing really well working out until it became clear I would never get the results I wanted without testosterone and I just got super depressed. And I just drink less when I work out in general. But yeah mainly concerned about the smoking thing especially because I would like to kind of track my emotional changes on T and I'm afraid I'm just going to be fucking pissed because of withdrawals the whole time and it will be hard to tell if it's the T or the withdrawals.

And finally there is the fact that I am still not 100% sure I want to physically transition, at least right now. But that is stupid because I have no real reasons not to and a thousand reasons why I should. I mean I don't know how to continue my life without physically transitioning. I don't think I can stand being misgendered much longer. The people I am close with for the most part gender me correctly and use my name and everything but I can't handle it (the misgendering) from strangers and acquaintances. It's humiliating. But at the same time I am still worried because this is so foreign. I don't know what kind of changes I will see. I keep looking at men and often my initial reaction is "God, I don't want to look like this nasty son of a bitch. Why am I trying to get on hormones??" But sometimes I think "Yes, that is what I wish I looked like." I've come to the conclusion lately though that it is not looking like a man that scares me but not looking like myself. And I realize now that I will still look like myself, and not only that but the changes will be slow. It's not going to just be like BAM who am I? I have a transmasculine friend who has been on T for 6 years who now passes as male most of the time but barely looks different. However I still feel like my genes are so much different. I am going to be crazy hairy for one thing. I am going to have to shave every single day and wax my fucking back. I already have hairs sticking out my nose. And I was just looking at this ftmtransition site again for the thousandth time, and my leg hair is about the same as this dude's at two years. And my belly hair is=his at 6 months. And of course I am afraid of balding though I am okay with it if I have decent hair until I am like 40.

Anyway, this is all kind of scary. I've only been really seriously considering physically transitioning for about a year. And it's happening SOON. Yet I don't think I can wait any longer. I chose my name 6 years ago. I first realized this would prolly happen more like eight years ago. This is fucking happening.

There are things I'm really excited about though and they aren't necessarily the typical things most guys are excited for. Namely: Increase in energy, appetite, sex drive and more masculine hairline. There are typical ones I want really bad too, particularly fat redistribution and lowering of the voice. Still not quite sure about the facial and body hair though...

Also about me watching videos of other transguys getting their first shots: They all look so happy and some of them even cry and shit. I especially see the crying in videos of tops surgery reveals. I just can't see myself getting emotional about something like this. Maybe just a bit of interest or relief, but emotion? No, I don't know. I'm not really emotional in general though. More anxious and cerebral. I'm kind of afraid if I don't feel emotional about it I am not really wanting it enough you know? And then I feel bad for doing it when other people want it SOOOO badly.

The conclusion I've basically come to is that I will go ahead and start T and after a few months if I'm not feeling it I will go off it and just enjoy my voice changes at least.

There is so much more to what I'm feeling right now but I could write a goshdarn book about it and this is already so long. I'm ridiculous.

 

Thanks for the support, everyone! I am always shocked by the amount of text EC users are willing to read lol.

I think I'm doing better about this now. If my biggest concern is body and facial hair which basically boils down to the fact that I don't want to have a more complicated grooming routine, I probably need to suck it up haha. I'm so used to just rolling out of bed, putting some gel in my hair and brushing my teeth is all. I don't have a lot of body odor and I have the perfect amount of body hair so I don't shave anything except my moustache and peach fuzz every two or three days. Now that I'm thinking about this practically like actually trying to picture it, I see myself having to shower every single day and wear a bunch of deoderant and shave my whole face and worry about acne and moderate the length of my body hair more, just to not be disgusting to my fiancee. And for the body odor, everyone around me lol.

I am just lazy, not scared. How could I have confused those two? XD I mean I am scared too, but mostly I just don't want to have to do so much. Also this means going to the doctor a lot and doing bloodwork and filling prescriptions. Things I've never ever had to do. My life is about to get complicated is all, but for the changes, I am ready.