Navigating Society as my Biological Sex When Non Binary Trans

Gender is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. A lot, obsessively, to the point where I think it’s unhealthy, but at the same time I can’t find any way to turn it off. I can’t help it. This is a new and very complex aspect of my self identity after all, one that adds a lot of complications to my life.

I am biologically female. For most of my life, I thought I was cisgender, associating easily with effeminate things and expression, in spite of my tomboyish childhood until I realized those times I felt internally very male, disinterested in blatantly effeminate things, and wanting to express myself as more masculine, were impossible to ignore and entirely valid in their own right. But that made things complicated. Now, I was not cisgender, now I was something else, something in between the binary genders. For a little while I thought I was gender fluid, my gender identity simply shifting depending on how I felt. Sometimes I was female, sometimes I was male. But that underlying male presence seemed like it never really went away, even when I was feeling or presenting as female. So I thought I was more of an effeminate and subsequently non binary transman, because even my masculine side was not very stereotypically male, but more sensitive and effeminate, desiring mostly to be seen externally as being male.

Now, I’m not so sure. I think I may’ve exhausted myself on the topic, and may simply feel gender neutral as a defense mechanism, which ultimately makes me wonder if maybe gender queer is a better descriptor for my gender identity.

I want to be seen as male, but I also don’t mind effeminate things and if necessary I can act female to navigate society. I’m hesitant to begin HRT because of the irreversible effects of it, and SRS is not satisfactory enough for me at this point to seriously consider it as an option. I’ve also decided to remain in the closet when it comes to my family because they are very conservative in their views and sadly very ignorant. Even if I did come out to them, I doubt they would be able to understand what I was trying to tell them, and likely reject me outright. So essentially, I’m stuck in my female body for now, and while I do frequently experience a kind of mild gender dysphoria and disassociation, often followed by drastic change in external appearance/image, it’s not unbearable as others trans dysphoria seems to be.

I’m relatively happy as long as I can pass. My body looks close to how I'd like it to be in the end, minus the female bits, plus the male bits, and some slight improvements. My voice also isn't unbearably female in my opinion.

But the circumstances both internal and external surrounding my gender identity and ultimately preventing me from becoming myself can cause confusion and sometimes make me wonder if I really am male, but I have to reaffirm to myself that I am, that just because I can fit the mold of a female if necessary doesn’t necessarily make me female, it just means I’m something close to female, but not quite, and that I'm only masquerading as my biological sex because of the circumstances.

If it were up to me, I'd be an effeminate male, but then likely unable to express my femininity as freely due to societal rejection and ignorance, leading to potentially dangerous or life threatening circumstances or situations. Therefore sometimes being physically female seems ok. I can be myself without persecution, but it means I may not be seen as male. So I suppose above anything else it is the struggle of the non binary aspect of my identity that the conflict is coming from and it is the non binaryness of it all that I associate most with. Essentially a non-binary catch 22. Interesting, yet complicated, frustrating and confusing.

 

Sympathy is always appreciated, it's reassuring though a little disheartening to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. Overall though, while it's a relatively trapped type feeling, I generally have a positive outlook and hope that a few good people might be able to see me for me.