How do you find love when you are trans?

There are absolutely people who will see you for who you are. I honestly had a lot of the same hangups, most of the relationships I've been in have definitely not seen me for me, but I've had a couple of partners who have understood who I am and have treated me like it. My roommates, my friends, my wife all treat me like a guy, even though I look and dress like a girl. It might take some time, but there are people out there who aren't completely awful, and most people will be able to look past certain things once their educated about things. Don't give up!

 

You don't have to be the woman, nor do you have to be a feminist. Besides, men make awsome feminists too. Just be yourself, and anyone who is pissed off, doesn't have to be friends with you or date you. Speak up that you don't like the chivalry. Be chivalrous if you want to. It's not as rare as you might expect. Normal people who will see you for you, and would want to be with you as a person, are out there.

 

I have two fantastic gay boyfriends (one who is hardline "I will never be with a woman", the other considers himself homoflexible) who both accept me fully as male. I haven't started T, and they both know I have no intention as of this moment to have bottom surgery (top surgery is sorta on the table). People like that are rare but they are there. You also should keep in mind that bisexual and pansexual people exist.

You'll find gay men willing to be with trans men and you'll find straight men willing to be with trans men. Same for women, same for NB people. It depends entirely on the person, how they see you, and what they are sexually compatible with. Instead of thinking "I need to go for straight men and gay women!" or vice versa, just go for men and women. Those that love you for who you are and accept you - ALL of you - will make themselves known. Being in a relationship and pretending to be someone you're not isn't fun and will only cause you more heartache due to having to hide yourself, it'd benefit you greatly to be upfront about how you feel regarding your gender and how you want to be treated.

Also, don't ever feel like your transition isn't "full" or "enough". There's no guidebook on how a trans person is meant to transition, there's no global checklist of "well, okay, now you've transitioned properly, good job". Every person has their own unique transition. For some trans people, it's as basic as "I'm female, please call me she" or "I'm agender, please use they/them pronouns" and changing hairstyle. For others it's as complex as SRS (possibly including removal of ovaries/uterus along with the formation of a vagina/penis), plastic surgery on the face, lazer hair removal, intense vocal training, top surgery, a bunch of legal paperwork, and life on hormones. For others still it might be just mental acception of themself as trans without any social or physical aspects to their transition. All of these transition experiences are full and valid. (*hug*)

 

There are plenty of people who will treat you like a man. I'm female-to-male and dating a straight girl. Most trans men date straight women/gay men and most trans women date straight men/lesbians. It seems more difficult than it actually is, often times.

 

Well, think of it this way; It could be worse. You could be in my situation....
I've fallen head-over-heels for this beautiful, smart, amazing girl, but she's straighter than a rail and comes from a very conservative family T_T

 

My girlfriend is mtf (pre-op) trans, and she's amazing, and I can't see myself treating or seeing her as anything other than a woman. I identify as a lesbian, it would be weird for me to date her if I identify as straight; she's not a dude. If people can't see you as the gender you are, *they* are in the wrong, that's not you, that's them. It doesn't matter if you've had the surgery or not, you are a guy.

 

Yeah, exactly, I don't want to hijack the thread, but what if you present as your birth sex?

 

In my opinion, yes it still applies. Being a man or a woman, in my opinion does not refer to the body parts you are born with, or even how you present in public. If you feel and know you are a man, that's what you are. And the person who loves you and gets you, sees you for who you are won't love you only if you one day get surgery. They will know that's *not* what makes you a man. In my case, my feelings for my girlfriend are not dependent on what she chooses to do with her body. I can't be the only one who feels this way, there are certainly people whom you will meet who will want and love you for the real and true you, no matter what your body parts are.

I do think that there are many uneducated, narrow minded people in the world; but don't settle for anyone who can't see and love the real you, and/or are uncomfortable with your gender and your decisions you make related to your gender.


(*hug*) I know it's hard to imagine that someone will love us for who we really are. My girlfriend is one of the few people who loves *me* for exactly who I really am, and I certainly love her exactly as she is, for who she really is, so that's my proof that love like that exists.

---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2016 at 12:15 AM ----------

I will say though - it takes honesty, vulnerability and communication to show the person you're dating who you are and to get to the point where you can find if they understand and appreciate the real you.

---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2016 at 12:22 AM ----------

Also just one question, do you present sometimes as your birth sex because you feel it reflects who you are on some level, or is it based on fear in presenting as a man? Or some other reason?

I do think you will find you attract more people who like and understand the real you the more you publicly present yourself as the real you.

 

I'd personally bet on straight men, lesbian women and bisexuals, though... I'm inclined to believe that there are "tough chicks/andro women/... are my type" people, even if they are not the majority. But that's me. That applies:

It's definitely not a fear of presenting as male in my case.

Very true.

Those threads always make me anxious. Transition and you will be loved for who and not what you are. But I love my body and being a woman means much to me.

 

But in the case of someone who identifies as male, does this not mean they're not being seen as male by the person they're dating?....even if just initially? If it's me I'd rather be alone.... I'm saying that as someone who's felt unfulfilled in many relationships...it doesn't seem worth it anymore. I want to be loved for me.

 

My first crush was also on a gay guy, although he was in the closet back then. Haven't talked to him for a while :/ Instinctively, I always try to figure out if a guy that I like or think is attractive is bi or gay to gauge if he would be into me. Soon enough, I remember that I'm afab, haven't started transition and don't consistently pass so that may be weird... Guess because I'm a guy on the inside, that's just still what comes natural to me.

When I was presenting female, I used to get attention of straight guys pretty often. Since I've been presenting more male/androgynous that's really gone down. Pretty happy with that. Could never date a straight guy again. It feels so weird

I don't know who would be attracted to me, or would date me really. I'm not interested in dating at all for a while so I haven't really tested the waters that much... My guess is people who are probably bi, or flexible. I'm too much of a dude to be with a straight guy. I only know what I would be comfortable with. That is, dating someone who doesn't exclusively see themselves attracted to women, and saw me for me.

I spent a bit of time worrying about this myself, without even thinking what I'm comfortable with, so putting that first has helped me value to seek out that sort of relationship, when I want it, instead of worrying, "who will be attracted to me".

 

I think I'm too simple minded to understand. Personality is personality. Sex is sex. I don't care what gender they see me as, I care if I'm seen and liked for me, not for a stereotype. And that's the deal. "I feel like a man" is the way I describe an aspect of who I am, and I have my own critieria by which I judge if someone "got it" or not. Knowing my own sexuality, I woudn't demand from someone who likes penises to like my vagina, or from someone who finds broad shoulders and stubble attractive to be attracted to my female frame and depilated skin. I'm sorry folks, but if someone doesn't turn me on, they don't turn me on. No go. No matter how wonderful and beutiful personality. Conversely, complete a-holes turn me on. Because sex is sex, and personality is personality. Ideally, I would meet someone who will be attracted to my hairless, thin, hourglassy body and to my masculine macho personality at the same time. I'm also too simple minded to not say that I'm a woman.

I have seen men who are turned on by that. Seriously. It's just that I've been pretending someone else that I didn't get to date them. Literally, I behaved and dressed how others thought would be appropriate for me, not how I really like. And getting rid of this wall, that is for sure important. Once I cut my hair short, a different sort of men began showing interest, that's for sure. Cooler men, IMHO, but in truth just more compatible. Still, short haired woman with a temperament, that's what I am.

It's becoming a stream of consciousness... I'll stop here.

---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2016 at 02:03 AM ----------

Exactly, it depends on the person concerned.

---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2016 at 02:21 AM ----------

Man, I dated a closeted gay dude. The only shame I was his cover. His real boyfriend, no I dislike him. We almost beat each other up, hee hee. That's what I'm like. And for many guys it's a problem and a turnoff. But some find it attractive. Or unimportant.

 

You leave out bisexual people of both genders, but they're also a possibility. They can see you as the gender you are while not being bothered by your natural anatomy more so that straight/gay people.

That being said, straight and gay people can also accept pre-op trans people as partners, they're just a bit more difficult to find.

 

yeah, I would probably feel most comfortable dating another person who is bi. I would date a guy who's gay or a girl who's straight if they were into me, but I think I would be worried about not being a guy enough for them. What if they leave me because of my body, what if they lose feelings for me because they don't see me as a guy, will I be looking/acting up to their standards of masculinity when it comes to attraction (I can be pretty non-masculine :lol. There would be more things I'd be worried about.

 

That's exactly why I need to be seen as a certain gender by my significant other though. If my significant other is seeing me as female, they aren't seeing me or liking me for me, because I'm not female. I think that's how a lot of trans people feel (not necessarily all).

And I don't think any trans person is demanding that others be attracted to us if we aren't physically attractive to them... I would never tell someone who has a strict aversion to female genitalia that they had to suck it up and date me anyway. It's not fair to them and in the end wouldn't be fulfilling for either of us because they'd always be unhappy. I wouldn't be likely to date a very muscular guy because I don't like a muscular look. I prefer smaller guys. Sure, there are probably a lot of people who want a big muscleman, but that doesn't change the fact that there are people who are attracted to more feminine men and therefore may be attracted to a feminine trans guy who is pre-T. Likewise for masculine women and masculine trans women who are pre-estrogen. There are people who don't give a shit about genitals and are attracted to their partner because of their gender rather than sex, I shouldn't have to date a straight man if he only likes women, is going to see me as a woman, and is going to be uncomfortable with the idea of dating a man.

This post just made it feel like you were calling trans people who want to be recognised as their gender identity by their significant other bad people or like they're being picky/selfish/whatever. Which isn't fair at all.

 

Online dating has made it much easier to find all sorts of people and be upfront with what you want and how you identify. Just find a nice bi/pan person who is attracted to your "female" body and male spirit/mind.

 

Well. What can I say, Hunter? Sorry if you took it this way? It was clearly not my intention, I said it rather impersonally and explained my reasoning. I just don't think it would be fair of me to present as female in every way, a tomoyish one but female, and expect to be seen other than that. That is my opinion, and what I feel comfortable with, and I didn't say it has to be the case for anyone else. I wouldn't judge my chances of dating as a man as too high, given my choices. "Expect" might be a better word also.