I hate wearing these clothes that don't match the gender that I feel. I hate male pronouns , when I just want to be seen as a woman and loved as one. I hate having to conform in fear of being left with nowhere to go and being disowned by everyone. But as I go on life continues to get more miserable. Death seems more pleasing than life at the moment.
Death seems more pleasing because this is not your life.We all need space to be ourselves. Even if its just a little space. Because the alternative does feel, and is in fact, a kind of death. So you have to change something. How about you start with something small. Can you share your secret with just one other person? so at least SOMEBODY knows who you really are? Can you go out and buy one item of clothing that you really want to wear? Can you find a safe space to wear it? Can you find like minded individuals around you? Get out there and search for that space. move if you must. But search...search...until you find. There ARE people who WILL accept you as you are. blessings
There isn't anyone irl that I feel safe talking to about myself even though I have known them for years. I don't even know how to find someone that will accept me. I wish moving was an option but it's not. I already have clothing but I don't have a safe place were I can wear them.
I googled trans groups in my area and went to a meet-up. If you can't find one you can create a group on meet-up or another app There's all sorts of support groups, too. Google is a girls best friend
Do your existing friends really not have the faintest idea? You might be surprised how much people already suspect...is there not one amongst them that you trust...? No?...How about a counsellor then, they are confidential...girl I just felt such a desperation in your post...you do need space to breathe... How sure are you that you would be disowned by everybody? I am wondering to myself how much of that is your own fear of taking a step into the limelight. To be sure I know some people react really badly...I've seen it with somebody I once worked with Especially those who are emotionally invested in an individual ...like siblings and parents...but others again have no issues. You don't have an option to move...can you create one?...as a long term possbility? The suggestion above to google support groups is also a good idea. So I'm guessing you just dress up in those clothes when you're alone huh?...it's easier for ftm's to get away with that in public without people staring...you have my sympathies... Nowhere you can go incognito???? (*hug*)hugs
I don't get how they would notice , I conform to being normal Cis guy. All people ever notice about me is that I never smile but that doesn't really give hints that lead to anything. They aren't people that I would see lgbt friendly. I don't know if they would just be disgusted at me or toss me in a dumpster... Doesn't seeing counsellor/therapist and etc cost money? Because I don't have that right now. How would seeing one be confidential? Wouldn't they mention to people if they felt its absolutely necessary , outside of my own judgment? Only option to see one would be using parents insurance but then they would know person that I am seeing and can't they seek out information that way , if it was gender therapist wouldn't big red flag show up that I was seeing one.. My family are religious , transphobic/homophobic as can be and I wish I don't include them in on anything about me. I actually had moment in my life when I somewhat came out to them by mentioning my honest feelings.. They found that I "dressed up" when I was younger and they gave me a lot of flak for it. In the end who they felt I was more absolute than who I thought I was. The best thing they did for me was to forgive and forget situation but they still bothered me for years about it. Right now I am not in best position for any plans. I am struggling with being depressed , panic attacks and etc. I find it difficult to keep up with a job and I always end up quitting with things getting bad. I don't have a car or drive , so getting around isn't the easiest thing to do. But rarely if at all. Not that I know of , home with family isn't the safest place.
All of the advice I would give has been given, but I wanted to say one thing in response to your last post - I'm not sure if it's true where you live but the LGBT centre in my city offers free counselling. It's worth checking into in your city. It has been an amazing source of support for me. I suggest going to your LGBT centre for support in general. Ours has trans resources and trans groups who meet twice a month. Our LGBT centre has made such a difference in my life.
Are there then no ACTUAL LGBT folk in your town? Do people out there actually express disgust and throw these in a dumpster....or is that just the impression your family& other religious folk have given you? It is a completely terrifying thought that everybody's gonna cut you out, but there are always exceptions. Want to find them?....don't talk about yourself...talk about the SUBJECT....and see how the people around you react. then you will know... To the best of my knowledge you can ask for confidentiality of a counsellor, unless you are underage/a minor. If you get to see one, that is the something you need to ask for clarity on because of your concerns. Mostly they should understand that people are sensitive bout what infomation goes out there. There are generally regulations and codes of ethics about these things. You could ask to see a general psychologist and then clarify your confidentiality status before revealing any information about your gender issue. You could, for example, tell your parents that you feel you need to see a psychologist about your depression and panic attacks. Any psychologist worth their salt should understand that depression can mask other things, like gender issues. I know that right now it seems that there are no options open to you...but you have to believe that that is going to change....although you can't see it now. I have deduced from your post that you are still quite young and dependent on your folks: that's awkward if they are so unaccepting of you...it's a rough space I know...but you know sooner or later independence will find you, and with it will come more possibilities. For now you face a difficult choice: to focus your efforts on that independance, and the freedom it will bring you; or to make a stand for yourself right now....in the face of their rejection... Its not an easy choice, and its one you going to have to make on a daily basis. But whatever you do, don't give up on the idea that you can be happy. Don't give up on yourself.
I wouldn't know and I wouldn't know where to find any in my area. People I know do show general disgust and I don't know if they would actually throw people in dumpster , I was just making an expression. I don't even know if they would get violent but I don't want to come out to them with their general views on world. I hear enough bad talk out of family and them on daily bases about it. I know my family would disown my right off the bat and most people that I talk to. I don't know much that I can trust confidentiality and putting my fate in someones hand. They might lack information on being trans and I might be referred to someone else and my parents might question why I want to see someone else and be adamant about knowing why. If they say go to gender therapist instead that might not work out. But I guess that I can try it if it's for the best..
Hey Ramlethal, It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. I'm not really in position to comment on the specific trans nature of your issues but I would just say two things. First off, are you a minor? If you are that might have an effect what a psychologist could tell your parents. If you aren't then your parents won't have any right to access any information about who you see and certainly not why. I see what you are saying about seeing a psychologist with a specialism in gender issues but you could discuss that with them. I'm sure you aren't the first person whose faced this issue and if they are specialists then should have an idea of how to deal with it. Second, you primary concern seems to be that your parents will found out or otherwise interfere - is that a fair assessment? If so, is this part of your reluctance to find a local trans support group? Others here with more direct experience might be able to advise you on how to deal with your parents. Wishing you well.
I am not a minor but it's like my parents insurance. I am pretty sure that person you see appears on their insurance? If for some odd reason they tell me to see like gender therapist or something instead that would appear on insurance. Assuming that they don't know much on the subject. If scenario like that happened then my parents would be adamant to know my desire to seek out someone else on short notice. I don't think I have local trans support group where I am at. I don't own a car to be able to go that far seeking one out.
Hi Ramlethal, Thank you for clarifying the situation regarding your parents. So you think your parents would be ok for you to see a therapist but you are concerned that they will find out it is a gender therapist? (Hopefully, that is an accurate summation - if not please correct me.) If that is the case then it might be that it could appear as simply therapy or psychiatrist on your parents insurance - would you be able to find out online about the insurance company's policy on this, or find out if gender therapists can address these concerns? At the least seeing a general therapist should help and they may be able to speak to gender specialist colleagues on your behalf if necessary - but if you could get your parents to support you in seeing a therapist then I think at the least you should try and see a general therapist. It would better than nothing, they may be able to help with your anxiety, depression and panics attacks by providing coping mechanisms and provide some help in coping with the situation with your parents. If you could get help with these issues (depression, anxiety and panic attacks) then it may help you deal with your family and expressing your identity. Given the obstacle your parents present to you being yourself, you may need to think of this as a long term process of dealing with things one step at a time. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear but, as BenFreeman said, the only way you could do something immediately would be to tell your parents and, from the sounds of it, that isn't an option for you right now.
