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Phases of denial

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Alder, Sep 23, 2016.

  1. Alder

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    Has any other trans person gone through a long period of denial even after realising they're trans (whether non binary or binary, etc)? For a few months I was so incredibly sure I'm a trans guy, I went in the extremely masculine direction until something inside of me seemed to freak out, I grew really uncomfortable and all that, and I immediately rushed to go back to living as a girl and pushing all trans thoughts away from myself.

    For the past month or two I've just stuck with the label "non-binary girl" and tried to forget about all the trans guy stuff. I've been living as a "girl," not a super feminine one - I'm dressing really androgynously still, but growing my hair out, in a more feminine way - and really been trying not to think about gender much at all.

    Then recently (actually, the whole time), thoughts about being a guy keep drifting periodically back; not in strong waves, but I find myself not being able to let it go even as outwardly I'm just living/dressing as an androgynous girl. I can't deny I had (have) dysphoria but I feel like I was able to push it all away for a little while. I have realised that I'm not a super masculine person, and cutting my hair really short and dressing very masculine all the time isn't me (which is fine, even as a trans guy), but I still can't completely shake the thoughts of being a guy.

    Long story short, I thought I was a trans guy - so, incredibly certain - for a few months (almost half a year), then I kind of panicked/was almost overwhelmed by insecurities and discomfort, and went back to being a girl. I don't necessarily hate it, because I enjoy screwing around with gender roles and expressions.
    But now I'm back on here because I've realised that I can't completely shake the trans guy feelings. I'm not sure which parts of me are genuinely me, and how much I'm still in denial about things - or if I'm genderfluid or something like that. I have a lot of insecurities about living as a guy; I don't fit well into the masculine gender role, I don't think I look good as a guy, etc etc. Anyone have any advice?
     
    #1 Alder, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
  2. jstanotherstat

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    I've been through phases of denial for quite a while, it's pretty recent that I'm starting to accept. Even now, I find myself doubting for a few reasons. Among them are that I'm not that masculine too (although not exactly feminine either), I've also been socialized as a female so it's easier for me to fall back on that in situations where I can use it, like acting in the workplace or around people I'm not comfortable to show my real personality around. I don't want to transition into a manly guy either, so I feel like I can't relate to a lot of men or trans men who look really masc or want to look really masc after transition. After a while, I started to accept what matters most was what's inside, the thoughts that I have, the way I know myself, that there's an incongruence with my body and what others see. That feeling of incongruence has been there since puberty, and although I haven't always known what it is, it's never gone away.

    All guys are different - not all of them fit into masculine gender roles. What dysphoria do you have, if you don't mind the question. more social or physical?
     
    #2 jstanotherstat, Sep 23, 2016
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  3. Mihael

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    Welcome to my club. I even stopped identifying as a dude for a couple of days, but it just made me feel like there is something very wrong with me so I settled on genderqueer. My only advice is to just not push yourself too hard into something you're uncomfortable with, no matter what it is.
     
  4. Kodo

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    I can relate. For a whole year, I was really sure of being trans. But when I finally came out and met rejection, having heard my parents reasons why I wasn't trans, I began to doubt and deny it all. I went back to living as female for a few months until I had a crippling episode of depression and ended up self-harming from the bottled up stress living as someone I wasn't.

    Currently I dress sort of androgynously and have medium length hair, but it's always a tied into a knot. I would be presenting male and have short hair, but unfortunately I can't due to family circumstances and being reshoved into the closet after coming out.

    Anyway, like emerry said, don't force yourself into a said role. Do what makes you most comfortable and feels most authentic. And whatever that is, be it nonbinary or trans or even cis, that's alright. And whether you express masculinely or femininely isn't necessarily indicative of your inherent gender. You could just be a more androgynous guy or a nonbinary identity.

    Glad to have you back, Alder.
     
    #4 Kodo, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
  5. Rickystarr

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    I think this is very common. I first considered that I might be trans when I was about 18 and showed signs all throughout my teen years and some little signs as a child though I didn't really think much of it up until age eighteen. I got really scared of the thought that I might be trans (mostly because I was afraid it was a phase/thought maybe it was morally wrong/didn't want to have to come out as trans/scared of medical procedures etc.) and shoved it deep down where even I couldn't find it (though I acknowledged to myself that I knew I would have to deal with it eventually. I just wasn't ready yet) until last year when it resurfaced. Between the time I first considered it and now when I am out as trans, I continued dressing in exclusively men's clothes and had a men's haircut but used female pronouns and identified as an androgynous cis lesbian just as I had since I was about 14-15.

    Around the time I first started questioning more recently, I made some lame attempts to embrace my femaleness including trying to wear gender neutral women's underwear. First time I had worn women's underwear since I was like 15. I also bought some girl's jeans for the first time since about that age as well.
    Didn't work, here I am lol
     
    #5 Rickystarr, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
  6. Spoopy Monster

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    After I started realizing I was trans, I started slipping into this sort of self-internalized transphobia. I started dressing SUPER girly (more than I ever have before) and started looking at myself in the mirror WAY more often. I tried convincing myself that I wasn't trans, and It was just a phase or something. I even got really scared of liking other girls for a while. I was just so skeptical of myself, it was like I just couldn't believe it, like I didn't want to believe it. So yeah, I know how you feel :/
     
  7. AmyBee

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    Yes! The thought I might be trans occurred to me pretty early, like right around the first time I heard of "the operation" as everyone kept calling it. I'd insisted I was a girl very early but had to hide it because they told me that was something shameful. But the thought stayed with me and I did things secretly and read about "the operation." Anyway, it really started to hit me when I was around 14 or 15 but I just totally rejected it and decided I would be as guy-like as possible for someone like me. It wasn't until I was in my 20s where I finally said, "Screw it. I AM trans, let's do something positive about it."
     
  8. Cinis

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    Coming from the other side of the coin as someone that questioned basically since i was 5 and turned out cis I'd describe my experiences as being in something like a questioning state all the time. I could not identify with anything be it trans or cis for longer than a few days..maybe a week tops.
    I think simply asking this question here shows that deep down you somehow see yourself as trans..don't know if this is any help but that would be my answer.
     
    #8 Cinis, Sep 25, 2016
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  9. Alder

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    Thank you to all of you for the replies. It's certainly a lot to think about at the moment, and I've just been working through any denial or insecurity to find what feels right for myself. It's hard going back and forth on this for so long but I appreciate all the support on this site, it means a lot.