Neurobiology and the Social Construction of Gender

I definitely agree, and I think the "opposite" is true for a lot of trans people who didn't know they were trans when they were young. Whether I like it or not, I've internalized a lot of female gender roles because when I was young, people told me I was a girl, and I believed them.

 

This is something I think about ALOT. I don't remember being a toddler, but I remember when I was 5 sneaking into my moms room, playing dress up in her cloths and wearing her makeup. I remember it was something I'd done for awhile and knew damn well I would get in trouble but didn't care. I know i identified with my mom, ikept thinking I would grow up to be like her even after I realized my body wouldn't develop like hers. I don't have much memory of my dad from that age. He was there, I just didn't pay attention to him. Up until puberty (which began at 10 yo with VIOLENT hormonal acne) I was into sewing and crochet and any craft you can imagine, and my mom supported it but I remember knowing I shouldn't talk about it because it was "girl stuff". Looking at that, I think it's really clear that I must have had a female identity as a toddler and that by 6 I was fully aware that I had a male body and was expected to act a certain way even though it's not what I wanted. I also clearly knew I could do certain girl things like sewing as long as I avoided makeup and dolls (I think my mom told me that, not sure)

---------- Post added 25th Sep 2016 at 03:12 AM ----------

Idk if it's common for trans people but sometimes I get really dysphoric thinking about the childhood as a girl that I missed out on. It's almost like I'm mourning the little girl that I never really got to be.

 

There is something sad about watching my nieces and seeing myself in their actions. I wouldn't really call gender based behavior, gender roles or expression as you don't really learn to.be a girl or boy, you simply are one and it ie apparent from a very young age. Like anythijg else there are variabilities and if your behavior doesn't matchup stereotypically it means nothing but the impring of gender is usually there, even if you can't see it or remember the actions that reflect it. A nice example lies in my younger niece. Her parents are really proud of how she plays boys games, gorowls like a tiger and smiles happily when others respond. How she is just like her brother, always copying his behavior. I recognize in myself the same socially driven behavior to please others, to copy and empathetically connect with them. There isn't the same competitive drive for parents attention that you see in boys when they try mimicry, she simply observes and smiles when getting similar reactions as her brother. My nephews in contrast start fighting and arguing when one gets attention and another doesn't, her older brother becomes really agitated when we plwy the games we play with him, with her. If we give her, 'his' tiger, he responds with a tantrum while taking away the tiger from her ajd giving her something else to play with, she responds with a smile.

This shows how subtle the signs are because on the surface, the girl and hoy are playing similar games but somehow the game takes a different form depending on your gender. I remember how I sat endlessly as a child, watching my brothers play video games, observing their behavior and copying it so I would blendhat sitting there on the couch and watching my brother. He was happy that I was there, so so was I. The only time I wanted to play was when it was together as a team. I hated competitive games which my brother coaxed me to play and refused to play them. In my mind, I wanted to lose to him when plsying them because I didn't want to make him sad. A while back, I played a video game with my nephew, there was something so.intense about his behavior, it was about winning for him, beating me and being the best at the game. I tried to get him to play together against the computer and he thought that was boring, he wanted to win and show dominance and that was the dynamic of our game. I felt uncomfortable but gave him his wish and played along because that's what he wanted and it made him happy about it. This is just one manifestation of gender and it depends on the child. Many girls are competitive and boys sometimes aren't but for me seeing these patterns of behavior in my nieces and nephews help me understand and accept myself. It gives me peace knowing that I share this pattern with my nieces and that my childhood wasn't that of a boy, no matter how hard the people around me tried to make it so by giving me toys or playing specific games that they perceived to be masculine. When I came out to my mother, she told me I couldn't be female as I didn't play with dolls and happily played with my brother's games. People see what they want to see and give meaning to objects, instead of what those objects represent. To my brother, my niece is acting like a boy and he is happy for teaching her to be open and genderless, likewise my mother saw my actions as those of a boy, like my brother with my niece, she missed the signs that shout out that I am responding to the world as some girls do. That no matter how many cars she gives me, I will remain true to myself and my soul will shine through beyond the madk that I am forced to wear.