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FTMs and Homosexuality

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ichasestarlight, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. ichasestarlight

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    This is something I've struggled with for a while.

    I'm very comfortable in my pansexuality. I'm a little less comfortable in my being trans. I'm engaged, so it's not like I have plans to be entering the dating field anytime soon, but there are instances where I have issues with gender roles, and, to an extent, I even have issues with the lack thereof. I looked and there doesn't seem to be a lot on the subject so I figured it might be nice to have a place where us FTMs who are closer to the homosexual side of the spectrum can voice issues.

    For example (and this is a genuine issue I have and any advice would be adored), I have some issue doing things that would normally be expected of a woman. Like being spooned. My fiance doesn't even remotely think of me as a woman, I know he decides to do it because he's significantly larger than me, but there are times where I'd like to do the same to him and feel like I shouldn't. Does anyone else have this issue? Or any other issues?
     
  2. Matto_Corvo

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    I've never been spooned so i have no clue.
    In fact my lack of any relationship experience will be a problem
     
  3. SystemGlitch

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    I have no issue with the fact that I prefer to take a more passive (traditionally feminine) role in a relationship with a person of any gender. It took me a long time to get there though, and to understand that being passive doesn't mean I'm being treated or seen as a woman. I should imagine it's an issue a fair few trans men face though and a cause of doubt for some of them.
     
  4. darkcomesoon

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    I've never been in a relationship with a guy, but I can definitely imagine having issues taking on a more feminine role in the relationship. On one hand, I think that's the role I'd prefer, but on the other hand, I think it could cause dysphoria if I wasn't 100% convinced my partner saw me as a guy. Personally, I think it'll be less of an issue once I'm on T because I'll be less insecure that people aren't seeing me as a guy. Gender roles don't really bother me; it's just that I'm often concerned people will use the fact that I sometimes follow a feminine gender role as an excuse to see me as actually a girl.
     
  5. LarryLC

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    This should make you laugh...

    I won't ballroom dance with my husband because I'm afraid he'll twirl me. Twirling is definitely a female thing. Of course if two gays do it, they'll usually both twirl each-other. I consider dancing symbolic of sex, so if he's twirling me, then he's the one f**king me. I am more of a Top, so I should be twirling him! But he's very much larger than me.

    And I am Vers, so I shouldn't be scared of being twirled once or twice... but, yeah, that fear of being judged as woman because you're taking the female role, even if you like the role... I understand.
     
  6. CJliving

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    I'm always the big spoon when falling asleep, but in the morning I do like being the little spoon. Just do it, if you need an excuse, say you're too hot. (I actually get a little, not clusterphobic, but the same general idea, when being cuddled. For some reason it doesn't apply first thing in the morning.)

    But I absolutely relate. Both my exes knew I was genderqueer (although at the time, I was still very much 'feminine' in presentation) and yet they both treated me as a woman. The first ex was bi and not so cis himself, but also an abusive ass, so I won't talk about him. The other guy, super straight, but when I told him I was definitely more masculine and wanted to change my pronouns and presentation, maybe one day do HRT, he said he was fine with it. Thing is, I believe him. But, there's no way I could see being with him because of the dynamics of the relationship. He would constantly insist on paying for my things and 'taking care of me'. Which shouldn't sound as bad as it does but it is a little emmasculating. He also refused to cook and would joke around with our landlord about me "needing to learn how to be a housewife (read: cook, because I hate cooking, but he always talked about loving it. Hmmm....)".
     
  7. August Silver

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    This has been a huge pain in my life and as of now I have no solution but I can relate.

    I'm currently single and plan to remain that way for a looong time, if not permanently, for many reasons and gender roles are a big one. In every other aspect of life gender roles have little to no meaning to me and I actually hate them, but when it comes to sex I am hopelessly old fashioned and can't help it.

    When I was still in the closet and forcing myself to present as female I had a problem with my then girlfriend because she was bigger and stronger than me in every way and when I tried to be the top she was all "what are you doing?". I gave up and resigned to the terrible truth that I'm tiny and weak and must be the bottom as I don't even have a penis. But with men it was even worse because nobody I fancied that I actually got to be with was the dominant type so I never got to experience properly being "the girl" either so I felt like I'm just having sex "backwards", neither giving nor receiving and always just hyper aware of both our shortcomings. And I also feared that if I were to experience it it would just make dysphoria worse.

    I know it's ridiculous but I'm obsessed with the notion of the guy being the assertive, active party and the girl being there for the ride. And now that I'm out as a trans guy and realise I'm more gay that I thought (I prefer guys) I'm even more reluctant to ever enter a relationship... With a girl I could never be the guy and with a man I could never comfortably be either bottom or top unless I magically grew a penis and a foot in height and he was über femme... But if I have learned something from the relationships I've had, it's that being quiet about all this was the worst mistake I made. If I ever do meet someone I want to be with I'm going to tell them exactly what I want (assuming I'll even know myself by then!) and not settle.
     
    #7 August Silver, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
  8. Linthras

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    I can only echo what's already been raised by other members who haven't (yet) been in a relationship with a guy.
    If this were to happen in the future, I honestly have to say, I don't know whether there would be a strict feminine/masculine division. I have no idea whether I would accept taking 'the feminine role' so to speak.

    I think it's not as easy as we often try to make it seem that there are specifically male and female roles and behaviour.
    I bet there's heterosexual couples, for examples, where the woman spoons the man.
     
  9. Rickystarr

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    Yeah, I wouldn"t worry about the spooning thing. Even women in a hetero relationship like to be the big sppon every so often. I don't mind if my lady spoons me. I've heard it called the "jetpack" or "backpack" when the smaller partner is the big spoon. Lol

    Just to clarify, I'm just saying spooning isn't necessarily a gender thing or even a gender role thing.
     
    #9 Rickystarr, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
  10. Linthras

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    :lol:
    First time I've heard about that.
     
  11. ThatOneAlien

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    I've only had two short relationships, both with guys as a "woman." The expectations of female gender roles were a huge issue for me. I'm really a pretty dominant person but I felt like I had to change that in order to be in a relationship with a guy. It got to the point where I felt like an entirely different person whenever I was around my partner. 0/10 would not recommend.

    I think after I am on T I would be a bit more comfortable with feminine roles while dating a guy. I'd still rather be dominant but I'm worried I'd feel silly being only 5'3" and thin as a twig.

    Something that really gets to me about being trans is that I'll never get to question and accept my sexuality as a non-straight teenage boy without all the complications of gender. It feels like a big experience I missed out on. I barely even had any conception of my sexuality until coming to terms with my gender (at 20) because I didn't like the idea of being with either men or women as a woman, and I didn't know there were any other options. So I just tried to force myself into straight relationships. Yuck.
     
  12. Jiramanau

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    I'm mtf, but I feel like alot of it (I'm thinking mostly of the spooning analogy) is just a communication issue. Idk if it's because sex/intimacy is such an instinctive, biologically-driven behavior or if it's social conditioning to think of sex as slightly taboo, maybe both. But people in general have this idea that sex/intimacy should be an act of passion with little to no communication, which kind of works in a cis relationship but can be uncomfortable and even disastrous for a trans person. You can pretty much count on any cis person, no matter how supportive, to assume that silence means you're fine with whatever is happening. And you can also count on that supportive cis man that loves you to not mind being the little spoon sometimes. The partners that truly accept our authentic selves wholeheartedly love us alot. Like, alot alot. And he knows you have specific needs, he wants to meet them. But he can't if you don't tell him what those needs are.