1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't know how to let go

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Hats, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. Hats

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2015
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    39
    Location:
    Neverland
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I know I’m fluid; this isn’t a question, but while I admit to others that’s what I am, I keep going back into denial internally. Sort of like instead of letting my inner girl out of the closet, I’m just expanding the floor space inside, and I’ll do almost any kind of mental gymnastics to avoid opening that door, which is stupid because I like the girl who’s in there.

    I tell people I’m male most of the time, which is currently true, and I haven’t changed my pronouns. My shifts are generally fairly short in duration and this makes them a bit hard to manage if I get dysphoria. I think underneath it all is simply an inability and/or unwillingness to let go of my identity as a male. I have a very strong suspicion that my shifts would last longer and I would feel better if I could “let the brakes off” so to speak.

    The problem is, I don’t know how. If I say I’m female then my male side puts up a fight. If I say I’m male, or not entirely male, then my female side puts up a fight and my shifts to female increase in severity and frequency. In short, I’m a civil war on legs and whatever I say, I don’t seem to be able to win. Does anyone have any suggestions?
     
  2. Pel

    Pel
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2016
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This mostly seems like a question of accepting yourself. You're unwilling to let yourself be something other than what you've been told you are since birth. At least, that seems to be part of it. Maybe there's a bit of guilt? Maybe nervousness?

    However, I just thought of something that kind of makes it better. You, me, all of us, were given a certain title that we were told we are never allowed to change since we were born. Such a major choice was made for you without your consent. This choice decides how you are treated and seen and how you are addressed. However, now you are older. Gender really doesn't matter so much in the long run, since in the end you just want to be yourself. You should make this choice, it is your right. If you are genderfulid, then that is perfectly ok. That is how you feel and pushing it away will only make you feel worse over time. I know you probably want to accept it, but I think for a lot of people it is still something we still try and deny.

    Maybe find some friends you can talk to. Maybe if you know that you have support, here and with those you are close to, that can help your mental war a little? It's a bit of a subconscious thing to try and stick to just one 'gender', since that's what we've been told our whole lives; just choose already.

    Just take your time with things and eventually after you get your footing on things and fully know that you don't have to be pressured into 'choosing', maybe this civil war will cease.

    It's a big change to take in, so take your time. Things will sort out eventually. Sorry for the long post that probably didn't help, but I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone for feeling this way. :slight_smile: