(This is just a long post where I ramble about my school year so far and other stuff)

Stuff has been pretty much nuts since school started. My anxiety has been up, and I'm starting to get really lethargic and sad all the time, but it's not just that or I wouldn't be surprised. I don't know /what/ happened over the summer, but I now pass. Just generally, I pass. I went back to school, and pretty much everyone I talked to that I hadn't met before immediately read me as a guy.
First time?
Some 7th grader I was hanging out with in PE apologized and said "Oh, sorry!! I thought you were a guy when we first met" when I told her my name.
Second?
When I said in US history that I didn't get why girls felt the need to talk about their periods (I really don't get it. It's like talking about the last time you took a dump and how much it hurt) and someone sitting a few seats away from me mumbled- "Don't even- guys don't get this stuff"
Third?
Some dude I occasionally talked to last year was trying to convince his friends I was a girl because they wouldn't believe him, and asked me to back him up. (That one still makes me smile and giggle to myself a little bit)
And in restaurants? I get "he" and "him".
It was great. At first. But it all brings on a massive cluster of different feelings now.
Those being-
* bittersweetness, because I wish it could be like this always, and I wouldn't have to correct them
* pain and confusion, because the fact that it doesn't make me as excited as it used to, and I don't know what it means
* nerves about how I'll never be able to pass in high school. That topic by itself would need a post of its own.
* guilt. I hate that it feels like I'm lying to myself when I say I'm a girl, and to everyone else when I say I'm a guy. I wish it could be simple
On top of that, I've had a pretty big dysphoria uptick. Over the summer I'm often alone or just with one or two people, so that versus the school year which is basically "she" and "her" and "her's" all over the place.. It's a lot to deal with. And I'm not doing it so well. I barely used to notice my name or pronouns, but now I feel my skin prickle and my insides ache. I almost cried when I heard my mom call me and my friend "the girls" to my aunt. I'm slowly going crazy under this. And I feel crazier because it's only bothered me for half a year, and it's only gotten worse since I figured out what's (probably) going on. I think I might collapse in on myself if I have to take another year after this, but I don't feel like I have the courage to move forward. To go to high school as a guy, I'd have to talk to mom and dad about it. Me and mom are pretty close in general, but compared to how enthusiastic she is to talk about basically anything else with me, she avoids the topic of my "self discovery" like the plague. And my dad really /really/ doesn't get it. If I had the courage to shop in the guys section, and finally reorder my binder, and ask about changing my name and pronouns for high school, then I could move forward.. But that huge, crushing fear of disappointing my parents, hurting them at all, or doing anything they disapprove of stops me dead where I am. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. And, if I was able to push my fears aside and talk, really /talk/ to them about it, I might be able to go on with their support of what I'm doing. I am realizing that at this point, pretty much the only thing holding me back is myself.
While I'm pondering, I've noticed that a lot of my worries about my thighs being too big, and my arms being too skinny, and my eyelashes being too long, and how ohnoamisittinglikeagirlamiwalkinglikeagirlamiwritinglikeagirlamibreathinglikeagirlwhatwillidoinhighschoolwhatwillidoohno.. Are things that no one really notices. So as much as I can look down and feel like I'm about to cry, or feel a bit sick when I notice my chest bouncing around, or worry that I'm (insert meaningless thing)ing like I girl.. Most people don't even see it.
It's crazy how sometimes your biggest demons can't be seen by anyone but you. And I've started to realize I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings from most people. If my heart is in it. A lot of the kids at my school know me as the person I put out there when I want to hide from the world. I want to get away from that. I want to be a new person. But I'm caught in a bit of a loop.
I guess I'll have to see how things go from here.

 

Re: (This is just a long post where I ramble about my school year so far and other st

Ack! Forgot someone had replied to this!! Thank you. That really helped. And you're right, I know I need to talk to them. It's mostly a question of how, when, and what to say. And I'm debating whether or not I'll ask my therapist to help facilitate. Thank you again. <3

Thanks I didn't know what else to call this mess lol

 

Re: (This is just a long post where I ramble about my school year so far and other st

Ha don't worry about it dude. I do the same thing sometimes.

That's my hope, but I worry that it won't be the case.

I have
and it came

Yep. I don't blame them, really. It's hard on all of us. I could do that I think. I have cool friends. I'm nervous about it though.. I don't know, it's silly how nervous I am about a lot of things.

Well, I'm hanging in there I think. My mental health state is now fluctuating really dramatically and it kind of sucks but is in some ways better than the monotony of depression. Luckily there's been a cool down in the way of people puzzling over my gender, so the stress around that is dissapating a bit. And now when a teacher I don't know calls me "he" or my friend I'm out to calls me mister it usually makes me feel good more than it does worried.

---------- Post added 18th Oct 2016 at 09:49 PM ----------

Yeah. You know, I would say it is. And yeah, it can be pretty disorienting!

Kind of weird and all over the place emotionally.. But c'est la vie (or my life anyway ha). How about you?

 

Re: (This is just a long post where I ramble about my school year so far and other st

Well, anxious? Yes. Just dealing with a lot of emotional ups and downs I spose :/
Nothing really happening around me. It's mostly just on the inside.

Life is crazy, right? Glad to hear you're doing pretty good though

---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2016 at 05:12 PM ----------

Oh and I'm sorry for the late reply!!