I've gotten to this point with my gender where I'm sort of at a dead ends - or crossroads - as to where to go. I've explored a lot of it already and discovered a lot about myself and what I'm comfortable and not comfortable with. I've tried all types of male clothing, cut my hair super short only to realise I prefer it medium-length anyways, tried packing, tried binding (now with an actual binder, so that's a big plus), and questioned myself a million times over, researched loads and loads of information on trans things. I went back to 'living as a girl' and trying to do all that too for a little while, but now I'm back to being sure on some levels that I'm a trans dude. There's not really a lot left for me to explore, I think, except that I'm still fairly uncertain about some aspects of my gender identity. I'm just in this weird grey area. I know I'm not super, super masculine and I still enjoy looking pretty androgynous, but it's not even just that. I keep going back and forth on my gender, and by this point I feel like I'm going around in a tight circle on the same spot. If I've already done so much, what's next? It feels like I'm sort of at a dead end, and too scared to really come out to anyone. I'm considering two options though which is either trying to find a gender therapist (though I don't have a lot of money for it), or - and I've been mulling over this - coming out to one of my friends and seeing how it feels like just for her to call me Jake and use my pronouns with me. Except that I'm pretty apprehensive of coming out to her about this - it's a huge step and once I say it, I can't take it back. Even if I just come out as questioning. I don't know if it's a good idea. Besides all that I'm not sure what else I can do. I know I won't be stuck in the same spot or uncertain forever, but I have little ideas how else I can find some answers about myself. Any guidance or advice would be appreciated (*hug*)
I would personally recommend talking to a gender therapist before you go telling people if you can save up like 175 bucks. Though if you have one friend who you can trust and who is lgbt conscious/accepting, you could certainly talk to them about your doubts and ask them to help you experimemt with name and pronouns.
This is a really late reply, but I definitely recommend talking to a gender therapist if you can - having someone I can talk through all this stuff with has helped a lot. If you look online, you might be able to find therapists who offer things like Skype appointments which can often be cheaper. (I don't know if there's an overseas equivalent to pink-therapy, but depending on your time zone and if online appointements are okay for you it might be worth looking on pink-therapy anyway! There's a pretty big selection and lots of gender therapists who are themselves trans, which was important to me when I was looking.) If there's a close friend you can trust with the information, having someone in your life who knows can really help! But making that first step can be so nervewracking and I can understand the trepidation. That 'but if they know I can't make them un-know!' feeling is so familar to me. But it really does help to have at least someone you can confide in, and who will use your chosen name and correct pronouns for you. Also if there are any LGBT+ specific groups in your area, I'm sure that could be a good way to be open about your gender stuff away from the anxiety of broaching the topic with people you've known a long time! (My tiny hometown has recently gained an LGBT meetup, which I'm hoping will help in my own case.)
