Okay, let's face it. I'm young, going to graduate soon, never really been in a serious relationship before. Despite my crippling dysphoria and terrible, self-destructive tendencies, I find myself wanting more and more to be in a relationship. But I can never seem to actually try for one. Whenever I see someone I'm kind of interested in, who I might want to start talking to more, I end up holding back and not doing anything. I really want to get into a relationship, but I'm way too scared to try and start one. In a perfect world, everyone would see everyone as people, it wouldn't be complicated at all. But, it's not a perfect world. I'm a pre-transition trans girl, which means I have a fully male body. Not only that, but since I'm closeted, I still try to suppress things and act more "like a guy" when I'm around people I'm not out to (working on that, but still). So thing is.. whenever I meet someone I think I might be interested in, I almost feel guilty for even wanting to start something. I feel like I'd be lying to them, presenting a male version of someone that isn't me. And what if things did progress, what if we got really close, and then one day I transition and everything changes? I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm really scared to get into a relationship with someone, they fall in love with a "guy" and then I transition and everything falls apart? I guess a simple solution would be that I should just come out to them first, and get it out of the way, but what if that scares them away or something? It's already happened to me once or twice. Not to mention, would they really see me as a girl at first? Since I'm not actually presenting as a girl yet, and I try to act like a guy around people I don't know, would they really see me as a girl, or would they understand enough? They might not understand and still see me as a "guy". And that brings me right back to the same problem from above. Does anyone have any similar thoughts? Any experiences or advice? Maybe I'm just young and impatient :lol:
Hi Kristin, If you look at all the people out there who wish they could find a happy relationship - whether they be lgbtq or straight or whatever - it's almost just one of those problems everybody has to deal with in life. Everybody wants to just find that perfect someone and skip the lonely searching and painful relationships that don't work out so don't be too hard on yourself from that end of things. Obviously the other part of your dilemma is about being trans and whether that's going to be an issue for people. I'm pan like you but I wasn't open from the start of my relationship and I regret it so much. I'm not trans - I'm bi and married to a girl but obviously I like guys too & that's a problem because I'm trying to stay faithful & deal with all of that but trust me - I think you need to be open from the start. I don't mean you have to tell everyone the first time you meet them but I definitely think you need to be letting them know in the first couple of weeks. If it's a problem for them then really it was never going to work out with then anyway so you're as well to find out at the start than leave it until you are more involved with them or even in love and only then finding out. You have to be you and you have to try and be comfortable being you. Somebody on this forum last week used the word authentic and I think that's so true. You can't go through life pretending to be someone you're not - believe me - I've tried it and it's not going too well. There are of course people out there who won't mind at all when you tell them. As a pansexual male myself if I was with a guy and he told me he was trans it wouldn't be a problem. I'd be in love with the person, and the person won't change even post transition. And for me the physical side of things wouldn't be an issue either. So what I'm saying is that there will be people for who this won't be a problem. They'll love you for being you. I know when you transition you probably will let that feminine side of you shine out a lot more but hey - that's who you are so that's right for you - you can't go through life pretending to be someone you're not. You're a not a guy inside so you shouldn't have to act like one or look like one. If people aren't going to accept you then are they the kind of people you want to be with anyway? If they get scared off then that's too bad but that's their loss - not yours. It takes most people til their late twenties or thirties before they find someone anyway and for some people a lot longer than that. Now is the time for accepting who you are - having fun - making friends that will help you on your journey - and enjoying life. Don't be putting pressure on yourself about relationships. They'll happen probably when you least expect it so for now just enjoy yourself and see what happens. There's plenty of other trans people on this forum too so it might be worth while chatting to some of them and seeing how they dealt with it.
Coming from a fellow pre-transition trans girl(or I suppose woman at my age), don't borrow trouble from the future, there's enough trouble in the present. You can't know how someone will react before you even know THEM.
Hmm.. yeah maybe I'm just overthinking things a lot and making a huge deal where they don't need to be. After all I am pretty young still and like have so much ahead of me. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it so much for now. A kind of big problem I have in life is I always worry too much about the future or the past, and can never really enjoy the present. But then, that's a different topic on it's own - and way bigger than this one really.
Are you active on any social scenes? Like one good place to meet people who are more open would be a LGBTQIA club at school or for other young people in your community. I mean, I HOPE there is one there. I know you're closeted, but that's one way to find a space where you don't have to be. And you can meet other people who know you for who you are and accept you. In my current relationship, I'm open about just about everything except coming right out and saying, "I am a trans woman." I talk about anything and everything I want to, but we haven't quite made that particular step. I don't know if we will or not. She seems really cool with my dressing however I want and all that and she's always telling me to get to an esthe salon and get rid of my body hair once and for all. So it's pretty good. I did try online dating as openly trans and all I really got were a lot of "You're cute, good luck!" messages from well-wishers. And that's why I suggest the LGBTQIA club thing.
